Just a litte update . . .

I *did* go shopping this week, but not on Wednesday like I thought and I didn't accomplish much. I did, however, get a few new pairs of jeans and a new winter coat. Shopping for jeans is as tough as shopping for bathing suits or bras. Blech.

But I did find success in the BKE "Wendy" jean (higher rise, easy fit, so there's room through my knees.)
The Silver "Suki" jeans (don't stretch as much, but they fit comfortably around the upper thighs.)

And the Torrid jeans (cut high in the back to cover my ample booty and lower in the front so I still get that low-rise feel.)

I also needed (and found!) a good winter coat--something that was at once stylish, cut longer so it comes over my booty a bit, slimming, and that was wide enough to fit easily over my hips so I didn't feel like it was skirting up when I walked (Calvin Klein jeans jacket on sale at Macy's.)

Whew!

Anyway, I've been watching this Yoplait commercial for a few months but I always think it's way funny. Thought I'd share.




I love how she's looking at the cakes, even though she knows she shouldn't (don't I do that EVERY time, lol?) and how she tells the Bear Sheriff off. Guess it doesn't take much to make me smile, but I like it. I haven't have the nerve to try these "sweet treat" yogurts--have you?

Food makes me happy?

I...love...food. I am an emotional eater, and the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the last several months has been intense....so my eating has been intense. And as Ali so beautifully stated, I also..."am getting fatter".

I wonder if it is a bad thing that the gals at the Wendy's drive thru know me, and we talk as if we are life long friends. I wonder if it is strange that Ginger, who works at Steak burger where they have the BEST twist cones ever, will be receiving a Christmas gift from me because she is such a sweetie. Huh...I don't think that is normal. I wonder if that is a sign that I frequent those types of places WAY too much? Ya think? My two year old knows each fast food joint and will ask for whatever I usually get him as we drive by. "Taco Mama?" (Taco Bell) "I want Shake mama"(Burger King, and Jack in the Box) "Chicken nuggets pleeeeease" (Wendy's, McDonalds) and so on and so on. I see a Fast Food Intervention in my future.

A few weeks ago, my son said something to me that has haunted me. We were sitting in the parking lot eating our Wendy's, and he says to me, "You're happier now aren't you?" And then he said, "I feel happier when I eat too". Oh boy. This is not good. My 9 year old even recognizes my behavior. Yes...I feel happier when I eat. My mood definitely is brighter after I have partaken of some tasty morsel. I get excited when I know that I am going to go out to eat, and I think about what I am going to order. It's fun to take my kids to get icecream and they know that I will be fun and happy, so they in turn are excited. Wow...that's messed up.

So...what have I done to remedy the situation? Have I changed my life and started feeling giddy while eating carrots? Nope. I have remedied the situation by going to my "fun" places while my son is at school. That should help. Baby steps here people! :)

Does food make you happy? It sure makes me happy...for a while...until I am laying in bed at night beating myself up over eating way too much and getting fatter. Such is life. And here I sit typing this, thinking non-stop about the chocolate pie in the fridge. Time to go and partake.

P.S. If you are wondering who this random person is typing this...don't worry...you are not alone. I have not posted in a long time. I am back...and ready to rumble!

Oops, I Did It Again

I've gotten fatter.

The funny or weird thing about fat, though, is that I actually still weigh five pounds less than I did when I went on the hCG diet in May, but man oh man am I fatter.

I asked Skinny Man tonight if he'd go out with me on Wednesday to shop for new clothes. I need to be able to wear jeans that don't make me feel like my circulation has been cut off. I need to be able to find something in my closet that won't cling to the fat billowing over the top of my jeans.

We've been watching What Not To Wear lately. We both know what I should be looking for. Sweet, sweet man that he is, Skinny Man didn't even hesitate. He took me by the waist (yes, the fattest part of me) and said "I would love that."

It doesn't make me happy to be buying new fat clothes, but I know I'll be a lot happier if my clothes fit comfortably and I look my best. I might even go to Lane Bryant or Torrid. I'm probably just a size twelve or so, but . . . maybe I'll feel better shopping there, and be more likely to find things cut for girls with the wrong kind of curves.

In the interest of girlfriend sharing I *might* take pictures. But don't hold me to it. ;)

You Mean, Doing Nothing Doesn't Work?

Notice my weight ticker in the sidebar? Notice how it's going to the left instead of to the right?

Yeah, that's because doing nothing, doesn't make me lose weight. Doing nothing makes me gain weight.

Huh. Who'da thought?Today my jeans were so tight that there was a good three or four inch gap between the zipper when I just let them go. I had to really work to get these babies on. And now of course I feel like all of me is piling out of the top of them. Very nice. Sooo attractive.

And it means I have to face facts and accept that eating whatever I want, however much I want, not drinking any water and not exercising is not working for me.

Dang it.

Celebrate Your Body

This post goes along the same lines as Ali's, in that we are beautiful and need to learn to love ourselves just as we are. How much healthier it would be to our minds if we simply celebrated our bodies--every ounce of us.

The story Ali used about the woman that spread lotion all over her body really struck me. At first I thought . . . NO WAY! How disgusting. There is no way I could do that, but then something happened this weekend that made me rethink it.

A friend of mine said something to me that made me remember how I've always molded my life around what other people thought I should be like, who they thought I should be and lived how they thought I should live. My Father told me almost every day that no man could ever love a woman that was fat, like me. I've let those wounds fester and destroy certain parts of my life, especially my self esteem and I am so tired of it. I'm sick of hearing his voice echo in my head.

As I was sitting in church on Sunday, giving this a little more thought and wondering how I was going to be able to put myself in the public eye in order to promote my book, I realized something. I don't care anymore. If I'm not liked just as I am, too bad. Yes, I'd love to be healthier and I certainly need to build up my stamina and there is no doubt I'd like to fit into some great clothes, but not for anyone but ME.

So, today I celebrate my body . . . just as it is . . . every single ounce of it.

Learning to Love Yourself

My friend Jen wrote this amazing article today about whether you can lose weight simply by loving yourself.

Essentially, Jen references a pair of women who were featured on our local news the other night. These women practiced "self-acceptance"--the art of loving your body, accepting it in its imperfect state, and quitting the constantly-on-a-diet roller coaster.

I found this possibility fascinating. It resonates with truths that I believe in and have only just recently been starting to recognize.

Once I heard a story of a woman who's doctor advised her to lovingly spread lotion on her body twice a day. She was morbidly obese and at first the thought of not only seeing her naked body but touching it filled her with dread. As she had gotten heavier and heavier she had seriously disconnected from her body, barely acknowledging it in her daily hygiene routine.

Yet, she faithfully began the practice her doctor recommended. At first she was disgusted, then she grew more accepting. Her skin became smooth and supple, moisturized by the twice-daily lotion.

But soon, she began to notice something else.

She enjoyed the moments of quiet attention to her body. And her body slowly responded to the love by releasing much of the weight she'd been hanging on to for so long.

That story has lingered in the back of my mind for some time now. But now, after reading Jen's article, it's jumping to the forefront, demanding I pay it some attention.

I really love the notion of self-acceptance. Of loving yourself even in your imperfection.

But the idea also kind of frightens me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I really don't love myself? Certainly not my body.

My body has always betrayed me. I couldn't break bones when I tried to so I could get attention from my family when I was little. I enjoyed sex taken from me by an abuser. I've always used my body as a weapon--against others, against myself, to punish, to control.

I know, maybe a bit too much information. But this is a safe place for me. A place to face these scary truths. Because they are mine. And hey, maybe this is the first step in finally accepting myself. In finally coming to love myself, from the inside out.

My Relationship With the Scale

Every morning I walk into the kitchen and open the pantry door. I'm not only greeted with a variety of food I shouldn't eat, but also my scale. That's right people. I keep my scale on the floor in my pantry. What better place. I literally have to scoot it to the side or step on it to reach out for food. Too bad it doesn't grab hold of my foot and tackle me to the floor when I choose something from the shelf that's going to make me gain a pound or ten.

So, there I stand, face to face with the evil numbers that seem to rise and fall with no sense of rhyme or reason. Will the numbers make me happy or depressed? It seems that the scale has complete control of my life, my happiness, my emotions and self worth. How do I get past that? How do I tell myself and the scale that I am in control of my life and the food I put into my mouth? And most importantly, how do I gain control and get this stinkin' weight off? I guess if I had all the answers I'd be making the big bucks, eh?

Must I Always Feed My Pain?

I've had a kind of rough weekend that hasn't gotten any better this sunny Monday. At every turn, I felt like I got socked in the gut until I lay on the ground in the fetal position. Not literally, but . . . you know.

So what did I do?

I ate a McDonald's Big Mac meal. Totally. Every single fry. Every single bite of burger.

And then I had a piece of apple pie with ice cream.

And you know what? I don't even feel done. If Skinny Man wasn't sitting right beside me, I'd be eating more.

So why do I feel like I need to feed my pain?

Some people care for emotional pain with exercise. Crazy amounts of exercise.

I once knew a woman who suffered from OCD to such an extreme she couldn't sleep if her house wasn't thoroughly cleaned. As in toothbrush-to-the-grout kind of clean. Her need for perfection extended to herself too--she exercised until her menstruation was interrupted, until she was losing weight at an alarming rate.

I guess a lot of us have issues, right? I used to look at my friend--perfect house, perfect body, perfect wardrobe--and think she was . . . well, perfect. Until I got to know her and learned that her perfection was her greatest shame. It was an illness, not perfection. Her perfection hurt.

You can't look at other people and know what pain their outward appearance may hide. People may look at me and wonder why I've let myself get so chubby, when if only I exercise, I'd look so cute.

Right. If only.

But I can't add my lack of will power to my really bad day. I'm burdened enough as it is. So for tonight, I'm going to feed my pain and not beat myself up for it.

A Plane Crash Didn't Make Me Fat

In fact, it wasn't an accident at all.

I chose each and every one of those bites of tasty food. I chose to skip all those workouts.

Recently I heard about Stephanie Nielsen, a popular blogger who was in a plane crash with her husband. Both of them suffered serious injuries as a result of the accident, with Stephanie being burned over (I believe) 89% of her body.

Stephanie's blog from the other day struck me to the core. She wrote about her sorrow at not being able to recognize herself in the mirror anymore. About her desire to be beautiful.

What happened to Stephanie was not her fault. She was dealt a bad hand and she's making the most of it. She's fighting her way back to health and a new kind of beauty--the kind that radiates from the inside out.

But what happened to me, is my fault. I chose my path, every step. If, when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see, it is because I've fashioned the mask that I wear out of guilt, insecurity, loneliness, despair, laziness, anger . . . I've covered myself with feelings so I can no longer see the girl that lives inside of me.

The beautiful girl that wants to shine. Me.

Stephanie can't undo the damage that's been done to her body. She has no choice but to accept and live.

I, however, have every choice. I have the ability to completely undo all the bad choices I've made and make myself beautiful once more.

YIKES!

Man oh man, did I get an eye opener. I went to a book launch party for a fellow author Tuesday and took a few pictures of me and my writing buddies. Loaded up the pics this morning and EEEK! Let's just say I need to lose more than just a few pounds.

Yep, that would be me there on the left. Can't even see Ali cuz my tummy is covering her. At least you can see her beautiful face. Isn't she cute?
The other two in the picture are writing friends, Kimberly Job and Daron Fraley.
Both gorgeous and talented, I might add.

So, once again, here I go looking for some kind of diet that will work for me and promising to exercise everyday. Sheesh! There's got to be something that works here.

Just put the fork down!


Did anyone hear something? Could have sworn I heard a voice from the distance.
Oh, well. I'm off and running (waddling).

The More the Merrier

Sometimes that's not always true. More fat does not make me merrier. But more chocolate does.

More aches and pains on my over-burdened body does not make me merrier. But more chocolate does.

And right up there with chocolate is friendship. More friends definitely make things merrier. Especially when they are the right friends.

Well, I've invited a friend to join me here and I know you'll agree--she's definitely going to add a lot to this party.

Meet, Christine Bryant. Writer extraordinaire, and fellow fatty. She told me she likes to collect funny pictures and cartoons of fat people, so I know she'll liven things up around here. This is what she said to tell you . . .

"I'm funny, gorgeous, smart, talented, beautiful, skinny and....honest."

Just you wait and see . . . I know you're gonna love her just as much as I do. Welcome Chris!

Things That Make Me Fat

My apologies for not writing in so long. It's not that I'm totally skinny now and don't need to think about my weight. No, no, it's not that at all. It's just that . . . I haven't wanted to look at my weight issues too closely, ya know?

Recently, a local news station ran a bit about the dangers of taking hCG without a doctor's care and my "pusher" (lol) has decided she doesn't want to be a drug dealer and so she's not going to facilitate getting the medicine anymore. I wasn't even really sure I wanted to, I don't know. I loved it the first time round when I really worked the program the way I was supposed to. But didn't like it so much the second time when I was a bit more carefree with the restrictions.

However, I liked knowing it was still an option for me. I'm quite sure I won't be signing up with a local weight weight loss clinic for $200 a pop. No, probably not.

Yet, the bulk (ha!) of the weight remains and my issues with it still remain. I have been really good at not binging for quite some time, but . . . I still have things that make me fat.

1. I stay up late and sleep in late, leaving no time for exercise in the morning (really my only time for exercise because I home school and then we're on the run until evening and then I'm too exhausted to exercise.)
2. I like food that's bad for me. I like hamburgers and fries and we eat out a lot. Way, way too much. Because my family, and I, like it. And I don't want to choose a salad, I want the hamburger.
3. We eat out a lot. Mainly because I get tired or stressed or I haven't adequately planned the week's menu. Or I planned, but I failed to get groceries. It's like sabotage. Oh gee, there's nothing for dinner, guess we should eat out!
4. Sometimes I just like to pop something into my mouth. Cookies work really well for this. They're small, yummy, and easy to grab and go. Fruits take far more work, plus they are bigger, and sometimes I don't want to eat that much. So I just eat crap instead.
   
5. I can't resist nighttime snacking when Skinny Man brings out the Fritos or ice cream. I don't always have what he's having, but his snacking awakens my own desires and I just. can't. resist. must. snack.
6. I don't drink nearly enough water. 'Nuff said.

Because there's nothing more fun that beating a dead horse, I'm back here again. Self-flagellation and all that. (So, I'm a dead horse? Hmm . . . might explain a few things.)

This week I'm going to work on 1 and 6. Going to bed at a decent time, getting up early, and drinking water. I'm not going to say how much, just more will suffice.

If you're reading this, where are you in your weight-loss journey? What's working for you? Or how will you, like me, start over, again?

Cheating on the hCG Diet

Oh yeah, this time round has not been a walk in the park.

It's the chicken and the egg argument all over again. Am I hungry so much because I've been cheating a little? Or has the diet not been meeting my needs this time and so I've been cheating?

It's a conundrum, I know.

I've been on the diet for two weeks now and I'm suffering, man. I've had pizza, I've had a bowl of cereal, I've had some popcorn. Bad, bad, bad.

I've lost almost six pounds, but seriously? Come on, that's lame.

I'm trying to focus and tough out the last week of the low-cal part of the diet, but tomorrow's my birthday so, yeah ... not feeling all the confident. But I'm gonna try. Seriously.

I really wanted to get to 155 this round of the diet. That's five more pounds and I've only lost 5.5 in two whole weeks, so I'm not sure how confident I am that I can meet that goal. *sigh*

Maybe it's because I don't have any friends doing the diet with me with this time. Last time, I shopped with friends, shared meal ideas, shared meals even. Definitely, those things were a big help last time and I really miss them. I feel so weak without a friend to support me.

So it hasn't been a stellar go at the diet this time and I can definitely see how some people might hate the diet if this was how their first attempt went. Luckily, my first time was excellent, so I'm not ready to write the diet off because I'm having a bad couple of weeks.

Even if I weren't to lose any more weight than the near-six I've lost so far this round, this diet has still been a resounding success. I've lost almost twenty pounds in three months. That's not shabby at all.

Binging Blech

I've started on my second round of the hCG diet. I'm on day two, which means I'm still in the major pigging-out stage. You'd think that would be awesome fun, right? Eating as much as of I want of all the bad-for-me stuff I love? Yeah ... not so much. What's happened to me?

Actually, I think what's happened to me is ... (shudder, gasp) my body likes being healthy.

I KNOW! This is why I wondered what in the world is happening to me? I LOVE eating bad-for-me stuff. Or ... I used to.

But today I've been battling a migraine all day and I've had diarrhea most of the day too. Rotten, sucky, stinky. The good new is, it makes me really look forward to starting on the low-cal portion of the diet tomorrow.

I felt so good on the diet, clean, healthy, lighter, happier. I'll try to enjoy the last of the pig-out, but ... it's not as much fun as it used to be.

Life After the hCG Diet

It's been six weeks since I finished my last hCG shot and it has been easily as educational for me as the diet itself.

I've learned that my body really needs a low carb diet. The minute I start adding carbs to my diet, my weight jumps up and I feel rotten to boot. The good news is, the first time it happened to me I did that steak and tomatoes thing I told you about and the extra weight just popped right off.

I gained back two pounds, but have stayed at a consistent weight, still twelve pounds less than my starting weight for six weeks. I consider that a success. I start back on another round of the shots on Sunday and I'm looking forward to losing another ten to fifteen pounds. I had hoped the diet would be *more* successful, in that I hoped to lose in the twenties each round, but I'm really happy with how I've done. It just means I'll have to do the shots a few times as opposed to only twice like I'd originally hoped.

One of the reasons why I'm excited to start the diet again is because I need more practice making the good choices a part of my life. I've definitely improved--even Skinny Man noticed that I've been making better choices. But, I think I can only get better with more practice.

When I went on vacation a week or so back and we started eating crappy food. And man, I went insane. Holy Smokes. I ate like a madwoman. You'd think my husband had been starving me or something. Mostly, I pigged out on the bed late at night watching TV. I ate doughnuts and chips and chocolate bars. It was seriously bad. I thought my stomach would explode it was so full. And I'm talkin' more than once too.

I still don't know where that insanity came from, but I finally went "whoa" and got a grip. I wish I knew how I managed to do that because it's that fall from grace that scares me the most. That complete abandon of all that I know to be good and right. And that rebellious chick inside me who screams "I can pig out if I want to!" I have no idea what to do with her when she shows up.

But, like I said, I did get over it and it didn't do any damage to my weight and, I feel so good having kicked her in the behind and out of the house that I feel strangely empowered. I suspect she'll come back. I suspect she's like a teenager who never truly moves out. Just keeps coming back to do their laundry. But at least now I know I can kick her out and I can reclaim my sanity when she's gone.

Kinda nervous to start back on the diet again, but ... kinda excited too! Ten more pounds (or more)! Yeah!

Just a Little Update

So, I finished the first phase, the part during which I took the shots and ate the 500 calorie diet, last Tuesday. 

I was disappointed that I only lost thirteen pounds (I did drop another pound by the end of the week, so I'm at a little over fourteen pounds lost now.) I really had hoped for more. BUT, if you've read any of my posts here for the past several months, you know that losing ANY weight is a tremendous accomplishment. I need to focus on that and let myself feel proud and satisfied.

This next part of the diet doesn't have calorie restrictions, but is still a diet. No sugars and no starches/carbs. It's harder than it sounds my friends!

I'm finding it almost easier to stick with the restrictions of the phase one diet, because once I start letting in new foods, I find I start giving in and eating badly. I have cheated almost every day. Bad! I know! So far, I haven't gained back any weight, but I find I'm scared most every day that I'll gain back the precious pounds I lost.

There is a "trick" noted in my literature, that I'll pass on ... If you find that you've gained back two pounds, fast that day and then eat a large steak with tomatoes for dinner and nothing else. Supposedly you'll be back to your proper weight the next day. Haven't had to try that yet.

It's normal, they say, to fluctuate a little, but you shouldn't more than a pound. I've just been dancing around half a pound up and down. 

Anyway, that's where I'm at. If you're doing the hCG diet, I'd love to hear from you about what's been working and what hasn't. I'll be doing another round in July and I'd love to be more successful than I was this time.

Tips & Tricks for Surviving the hCG Diet

I haven't lost as much weight as I had hoped on the diet, but I still consider it a success. I have about five days left, I think, and so far I've lost thirteen pounds. Thirteen lost after several failed diet attempts is a giant success in my book! So, I thought I'd share some of the things that have helped me on this journey:

Your morning tea: buy a box of Chamomile (I bought Chamomile with honey and vanilla for a little sweeter taste) and a Fruit Tea Sampler. Mix it up every other day. One day, have the Chamomile. The next day, try something new from your sampler. The little bit of variety and the element of surprise changed what could have been a boring morning tea into something enjoyable.

Buy pre-cut and washed veggies and salad. Unfortunately for me, my grocery store only had salad and broccoli pre-washed and cut, but even that has been a huge help. There will be many times when you'll be starving or in a rush and you'll look in your cupboard or your fridge waiting for something to pop out at you screaming eat me! Let that thing be your broccoli. :) In a pinch, I can stick a bunch of pre-prepared broccoli in a bowl, add a bit of water and nuke it for two minutes and I've got a yummy vegetable with no waiting. Helps a ton.

Make extra meat. Whenever you're making shrimp, or fish or chicken--whatever meat it is that you're preparing, make a little extra. Stick it in the fridge so when you are having that moment like I mentioned above, you can grab a little protein to go along with your broccoli. Two minutes and you could be sitting down at the table with a yummy lunch.

Lemon & Pepper seasoning. This stuff is fabulous! A friend of mine who had done this diet before recommended this seasoning and it has become a favorite of mine. I used to think steamed broccoli was boring unless it was doused in butter or cheese sauce. Now I love it freshly warm sprinkled heartily with Lemon & Pepper seasoning. Very yummy. Even my boys loved it. And super-duper healthy and good for you. Hurray!

Try new things. It can be really easy to just stick with broiled fish and salad. Broiled chicken and salad. Grilled steak and salad. Not that there's anything wrong with those things, but after three weeks (or longer) those simple meals can get pretty old. Try branching out a little. Make some soup. Try a new recipe, like the Baked Tilapia or Tangy Chicken. These simple recipes can make a big difference to your satisfaction level.

Buy a George Foreman Grill. Seriously. Buy one. I got mine, a small one, for $19.99 and it has been worth every penny. The other day I was in a bind ... had to eat fast. I got out my grill, grabbed a handful of medium pre-prepared shrimp from the freezer and threw them on the grill. The nice thing about this grill is that you don't need to spray it or use oil of any kind. You close the lid and it cooks your meat on the top and bottom with pretty grill lines so you don't even have to tend it. Three minutes later--the time it took me to grab some salad from the bag, chop up a tomato and throw some cucumber I had cut at a previous meal onto my plate--my shrimp was done. I tossed them onto my salad and enjoyed a yummy shrimp salad. 

Salad Spritzers. These are not strictly legal on the diet, but I love them and they have made a world of difference for me. Just a couple squirts and you have enough to satisfy and add some variety to your salads. I have tried the Balsamic Breeze and Raspberry Bliss. The Balsamic was my favorite. 

Be creative with your fruit. You are allowed fruit twice a day. I don't like grapefruit, but I think you're allowed a half of one twice a day. I do however like apples, oranges and strawberries, all of which are allowed on the diet. I bought two of each type of apple they had at my store. This way, I get a little something different each time. I've discovered some new favorites! Try a Granny Smith apple with that cinnamon sauce one night when you're in the mood for munchies. Or put a handful of strawberries in a bowl and sprinkle with Stevia--makes you feel like you're getting something special ... and you are!

Exercise. Yes, exercise. I know how much we love that word. But really? If you're losing weight, and starting to feel in control again ... you won't mind exercising so much. I swear. And the nice thing about this diet is they don't expect you to go crazy. Just walk. It's all you have to do, but it will help with the weight loss--never mind the emotional ways that exercise helps.

And Water. Drink lots of it. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. I hope this helps! If you come up with any tips & tricks of your own, will you please share? We'd love to hear them. 

Also, Kristi mentioned that she's concerned about the emotional eating. Twice while doing the hCG diet, I have had days where I really wanted to cheat. Really. I can't say how I managed to not give in, but I did. Remember "This too shall pass." Eat an orange. The tactile experience of it, and it's sweet juiciness seems to be particularly satisfying for me when I'm feeling the need to pig out. And, if you cheat a tiny, tiny bit (like I did with my two Rollos last week when I was feeling sad) it's not the end of the world. Just don't do it again :)

Good luck!

Gotta Hate That Emotional Eating Thang

Today was hard.

I have a wonderful family who normally spoil me silly on special occasions. Perhaps I've become a brat or something, but this year they are letting me down.

Also in past years, we've been so broke around Mother's Day and my birthday (which is in a couple months) that there hasn't been much to spend on gifts. I've always been fine with that. But I have to admit that this year, knowing we weren't so tight, I was looking forward to a little spoiling.

I gave plenty of suggestions well in advance of this weekend. Plenty reminders that Mother's Day was coming up, lol. But it wasn't until today that Skinny Man decided to go shopping for me. But that's not the problem.

The problem was he took me and the boys with him (why did I have to go?) and just kept asking me what I wanted. 

Well, if you're a girl, you know that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

Finally I got frustrated--not angry, just sad, really--and told them that I loved them and I didn't like feeling that they were only out to get me a gift to give me something. I'd be happy with some extra lovin'. If they didn't have any idea of what to get me, then they shouldn't get me anything. Ya know?

Of course you know that I was also not telling the truth, right?

Sure, I want the extra lovin' and I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want, for a moment, to feel like a Queen in my home. But, I also like gifts. :D

So I dropped everyone off at home and went out to get groceries. And I had an epiphany. 

I was craving sweets, treats ... anything that I could shove in my mouth. I ate two Rollo's which took a great amount of self control not to eat more, but still ... it shouldn't have happened at all.

I found myself hoping they weren't home when I returned so that I could sit down with a bag of Doritos and pig out. That would have been bad on so many levels. It might have single-handedly ruined my efforts on my diet. It would have left me feeling hated (by me) and punished (by me) and icky in general. It would have disappointed Skinny Man who has been so proud of my progress.

I did not come home and pig out. Aside from those two little Rollo's I did not have anything illegal today.

But I found it so interesting that in the face of feeling let down by the ones I love, my reaction was to punish myself. 

Why? What would I accomplish, psychologically speaking, if I were to do that? Prove that I'm unlovable? And that they have good reason not to spoil me because I am so unlovable? To hurt myself so they would feel sorry for letting me down? For driving me to pig out?

I think both, really. I wanted Skinny Man to feel sorry--to realize that he had an opportunity to really make me feel loved, and instead he made me feel like I--and this special day--was just an afterthought. 

And I wanted to punish myself because I hate feeling so needy that I have to drive my family into caring for me, into loving me. Am I that horrible? That rotten that people wont' just love me and show me they love me? Not unless I hold their strings, like puppets, and make them? 

I need to believe in myself more.

I know Skinny Man loves me. I know it. He doesn't always show me in the way I want him to, but he shows me in his own way and it is no less because of that.

I know Thing 1 and Thing 2 love me. They treat me with respect and always give me love and kisses. Why should Mother's Day be special when every day with them is special? Sounds corny, I know, but my boys are very affectionate and are often telling me how much they love me. Why do I need a day to prove it to myself?

I shouldn't.

I am loved. These three people love me. I would do them honor, and my Father in Heaven, if I would only love myself as well. 

hCG Diet Day Eleven

I haven't lost that much this week and I've been a bit discouraged by that. However, I also haven't been regular. You'd think that wouldn't be a problem eating so much roughage and all, but somehow it is. Apparently it's a normal side-effect of the diet. Go figure.

I've started taking supplements call BX-93. You can find them in a health food store or probably in a good pharmacy. They have helped me go a little, but I'm sure still not enough. Hopefully soon, the problem will correct itself. 

Nevertheless, I've still lost a total of 9.2 lbs and that's freakin' awesome.

I haven't lost that much in over three years doing traditional diets and exercise, so I am very happy with these results. I just ordered a second round that I will do after the appropriate rest once this one is done.

So far, I've had two difficult days. I don't remember the first one too well, but the second one was today. I wanted a Big Mac so bad I was practically salivating, lol. I wanted to stick things in my mouth--cookies, treats, chips, you know the stuff. I am so amazingly proud of myself to say I did not give in! I swear, I deserve a medal. 

And I will get a medal--when I am done with the second round and have succeeded in dropping a ton of weight I'm going to seriously reward myself. Oh yeah.

Oh, and on the difficult day line of thought ... I think the culprit is low blood sugar, because once I ate, I felt much better and not at all like I needed to cheat. It was the getting to eat that I was so tempted, not afterwards. So, yeah, I think it was blood sugar. A simple sugary drink, like juice or even sugar in water, or even a teaspoon of sugar would have remedied the problem quickly and I probably would have felt much better.

But I survived, without cheating, and I'm doing much better now. Whew! I am a little worried about date night tomorrow night. Normally we like to go to a movie, eat a personal pan pizza each, and have a huge bag of popcorn (buttered of course!) and a big pop. Tomorrow we'll go out for dinner instead and I'll have a steak and big salad and steamed veggies. I am so looking forward to this, I can't tell you! I'll bring a cut apple to the movie with me so I have something crunchy and satisfying to eat. I'm hoping that will help offset the craving for popcorn.

Alright then, some recipes, shall we?

I've tried two more that I really like:

Baked Tilapia

Ingredients:

• 4 Tilapia Fillets (100 grams each)
• 1 large or 2 med Vidalia onions, sliced 1/4" thick (I skipped this part altogether)
• 4 Tbsp chopped Basil, or Tbsp dry Basil (I actually didn't have any Basil, so I just used dry Taragon--I think I will like it better with Basil, but the Taragon was okay.)
• 8 cloves chopped or pressed garlic (I used minced garlic from the jar and used 4 tsp)
• 2 medium tomatoes, sliced 1/4" thick

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Peel and slice onions. Saute onions in nonstick pan until translucent, add a little water.
3. In a shallow baking dish, place fillets over onion slices (since I did not make onions, I very lightly sprayed the bottom of the dish with olive oil baking spray which is technically illegal on this diet, but ... oh well.) Sprinkle Garlic and basil over fish. Place tomato slices on top. Salt and Pepper to taste.
4. Place pan with fish in center of oven, uncovered, for 35-45 minutes until fish is white.
   

This recipe makes four servings--put three of them into individual containers and you've got an easy and quick fix for days when you're in a rush. Enjoy one fresh from the oven!

Yummy Vegetable Soup

Ingredients:

• 1 32 oz. container of organic, fat free, Vegetable Broth
• 1/2 quart bottled Tomatoes or buy organic with nothing added
• 8 cloves of Garlic, pressed or chopped (you know me, only bottled will do!)
• 1 large chopped Onion (I don't like onions much, but I just bought one big white onion--which I discovered has a very mild flavor which appealed to me. I used half of it for this recipe.)
• 400 grams of Chicken, Beef or Venison
• chopped Celery
• chopped Cabbage
• chopped Broccoli
• any other legal Vegetables you want to add
• Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Bring broth and tomatoes to boil, while sauteing meat with onions in nonstick pan.
2. Add meat and onions to broth mixture.
3. Add additional vegetables, except broccoli.
4. Simmer until vegetables are cooked through.
5. Turn off heat, then add chopped broccoli, let sit with lid on for 5 minutes.
6. 4 servings, place in individual containers.
7. Yummy with Melba toast!

I LOVED this soup! It was delicious and made six servings for me, not just four. I've so enjoyed having a fast and easy something to make for lunch or dinner that is so yummy and satisfying. This was easily as good as any 'non diet' soup I've had. Very flavorful and awesome! Enjoy!

hCG Diet Day Seven

Wow, I meant to post before now. Sorry.

They said to expect some mood swings in my first week on the diet, due to the hCG in my system, but I've felt just fine. I have on occasion felt like I was suffering from low blood sugar--but I think that was usually due to me waiting too long between meals or something like that. I've also felt a little hungry from time to time, but that seems to be passing.

I've lost 6.8 pounds! Wowie! If I continue at this rate, I could lose 25 lbs. But I'm only hoping for 20.

The biggest problem I've had on this diet is boredom. I haven't been that creative with my meals--having mostly the same thing for dinner as I had for lunch. However, last night I mixed it up a little and oh wow, what a difference!

So here's what I've been up to:

You begin with the shots, but for the the first two days you PIG OUT. I was lovin' the diet then! And I mean, totally pigging out. A license to eat whatever you want, as much as you want. If I understand the science right, (wait--I think I might have said this already in my last post. Sorry!) when you first take the medicine, your body sets your metabolism. The more you eat during those first two days, the more fuel your body will know it can burn.

Then on the third day you start the real diet. 500 calories a day. But your body is still burning what you told it it could during those first two days. Perhaps as much as 2500 calories--taking 2000 of those from your fat stores.

I did great on the pigging out!  Of course I did ;) I'm an expert.

For the 500 calorie a day part:

I drink a cup of herbal tea in the morning. I bought a package of chamomile with honey and vanilla and a sampler package. I alternate between the chamomile and something different from the sampler. I do find it kind of hard to go from breakfast to lunch--I was a big breakfast eater before.

For lunch you can have some protein--super lean something, like fish, chicken, or beef. I haven't had any beef so it's just been fish and chicken. Grilled. Boring. I need to branch out. I forgot I bought some shrimp that I need to use. And I need some lean beef--I've been totally craving beef lately.

You can also eat as much of a couple vegetables you want, like salad with cucumbers, radishes and broccoli. This is basically what I've been living on for the past week. Like I said ... boring. Oh, and no dressing really, except I've been using a little bit of a balsamic vinegar spritzer. Then one Melba toast or four soda crackers.

Dinner? The same as for lunch. Boring.

Oh, and you can have an apple, an orange or a handful of strawberries with or between lunch and dinner (so two times you can have a fruit.)

Nevertheless. I said I could do anything for three weeks if I was seeing results and I'm still singing that tune. Plus, last night I tried some new things and realized that flavor was what I was missing. 

So here's the two recipes I tried that I loved and added a lot more satisfaction with my diet.

Tangy Vinegar Chicken

Ingredients:

• 100 grams chicken breast
• 1/4 c. chicken broth or water (I just used water)
• 1/4 c. apple cider vinegar (next time I make this I will likely cut back a smidge on the vinegar as it was VERY tangy.)
• 2 tbsp. lemon juice
• 2 tbsp. chopped onion (I skipped the onion, as I'm not a huge fan)
• 1 clove diced garlic (I used a tsp. of pre-minced)
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

In a small saucepan combine vinegar, stock/water, onion, garlic, salt and pepper. Add chicken and cook thoroughly. Deglaze the pan periodically with a little water to create a sauce.

I have no idea what deglazing is. Mine was pretty watery, so I just turned the heat up a bit so it would thicken a bit. It was still pretty watery, but it tasted and smelled so good. I had no idea just smelling and anticipating something would add to it's satisfaction so much.

For dinner last night I had steamed broccoli, a green salad with cucumber and tomatoes (and balsamic vinegar spritzer) and a chicken tender using the tangy chicken recipe. It was very satisfying. 

Then later in the evening I wanted a snack. For several days I had a handful of strawberries with a little stevia sweetener. But then they were gone :( So last night I had an apple, but I thought I'd branch out and try something new again:

Apple Slices with Cinnamon Sauce

Ingredients:

• 1 sliced apple
• 3 tbsp. lemon juice
• 1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
• 1-2 tsp. cinnamon (I used 2 tsp. but next time I'll try 1 1/2--it was a little strong)
• dash of nutmeg
• powdered stevia to taste

Directions:

In the microwave or small saucepan, heat the liquid and spice ingredients together, stirring constantly. Serve in a small dipping bowl and serve with chilled apple slices or other fruit.

Now I know that it will really pay to try some new recipes and not just go with the plain Jane stuff I've been eating. 

Only two more weeks to go and I'm feeling confident that I can do this. 

Oh, and I was asked about where I got my injections. A friend of mine, Gypsy, has done this diet before at a clinic. This time, she ordered the medicine and supplies online from a London pharmacy. I'm sorry I don't know any details. I know she did a lot of research to find one that was reputable and safe.

Breaking My Own Rules

I hate diets. In fact, I despise them.

Why? Because I suck at them. And I'm nothing if not one who needs reciprocated love.

I loved Weight Watchers until I didn't lose anything more than a quarter pound that kept leaving and returning, but never staying gone for long. I believe they call that fluctuation.

I loved South Beach and stayed on it for nearly two months before giving up. I lost a whopping two or three pounds on South Beach, even after denying myself all my sweet treats and happy-making-meals for what felt like eons.

But today, I started a new diet. 

I know, slap me. But I really do have hopes for this one. Why do I think it might work? Because I'm doing it with a handful of friends and we're going to meet once a week to check in, help each other, offer tips and support. Also, it's a very strict diet but it only lasts for three weeks AND you lose a lot of weight during that time. So I'm thinking that especially if I'm seeing results, I can do anything for three weeks.

What is this remarkable diet? Well, it's the hCG diet. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I'm doing it, because I'm not normally one to fall in with fads. However, a couple of my friends have done it (two of them are doing it again with me this time) and they have both had success in losing weight and in keeping it off for over a year. And ... I really need something to give me a boost. 

So, today I started the diet. What it entails is a daily shot of hCG--the hormone women produce when they are pregnant. The drug tricks the body into thinking that it is pregnant and starts burning a ton of calories--something like 2500 a day. 

For the first two days, you eat like a maniac. Anything and everything you can possibly consume. The more, the better. I'm not one hundred percent clear on why you do that, but I think it has something to do with tricking your body again. Your body is not only pregnant, but is also getting so many calories, it starts to burn them in earnest. Except on the third day, and for the next three weeks, you consume so little that your body's ramped up calorie-burning needs turn to your fat stores instead.

Anyway, so far so good, right? I mean, I love the gorging part. We'll see how the actual super-low calorie diet part goes--that starts on Tuesday. Don't judge me--please. Just, wish me luck, okay?

You Can't Trust A Thing I Say

And by now, you've probably figured that out.

When it comes to myself and my health, you just can't trust me. 

I haven't been reading the scriptures and talks I said I would. I haven't been watching what I eat. Like I said, I'm a bad, bad girl.

I have however, been exercising. I KNOW! Go figure. I can't explain it either. It's just been happening.

Nothing more to report just now, I just wanted you to know I hadn't yet eaten myself to death, so I guess that's something.

A Perfect Brightness of Hope

Only a couple of months behind my goal, I'm now working on step two of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' twelve step program for overcoming addiction. This step is all about Hope.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life"

(2 Nephi 31:20.)

At General Conference this past weekend, President Monson said, "Fear not, the future is as bright as your faith." If you have a perfect brightness of hope, then you will be blessed. 

But how do you get faith? How do you nurture hope? This is a mystery to me. 

I want to have faith that I can get better. I want to have hope in Christ. But sometimes I just don't manage to make it happen. 

Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talked at Saturday's session of Conference about addiction to food. He gave suggestions on how one can overcome the temptations of life. Elder Pearson also talked about the 6 Destructive D's that put us in Satan's power and ruin our lives. I related to both of these talks--I'll watch for them in the upcoming Ensign so I read and ponder them more.

In the meantime, I intend to read my scriptures more in an effort to feast upon His words. I want to let Him help me. I know He can. I know He would want to--the thing that keeps Him from me is not Him at all, but only myself.

The other night as I was saying my prayers, I felt like I couldn't make my prayer heard, like I was only talking to myself. And I didn't know what to say anyway. It's the same old thing all the time--just more of me saying I can't do this alone, but almost while asking for help thinking to myself that He won't help me because I'm not worthy.

When I lay down in my bed after saying my prayer, the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" came flowing into my mind. And not just any part . . . 

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;

I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

This was the answer to my prayer that I had asked for. I believe Heavenly Father answered me through this hymn. This is what He would tell me, if He were here face to face. He would tell me I can do this--I can do anything that is good and right. Because He will ever stand with me, He will strengthen and help me.

He will hold me up with His righteous, omnipotent hand.

So, there is hope, after all.

Mercy

"And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved" 

(Alma 32:13.)

I found this scripture so interesting because there is also another scripture in which we are told that we must not be compelled in all things. And yet, the Lord sees fit to compel us to be humble. I think He does that because He wants to be able to grant us his love and mercy, but we will never accept those things unless we are first humble. 

And none of us, really, wants to be humble.

You know what I mean--we want to be beautiful, smart, charming, sexy. We don't want to feel like we are the exact opposite of these things, and yet, that's what brings us to our low, helps us be humble. And from there, we look up and ask for help.

From there, if we are open-hearted, we can receive the mercy that Father wants so badly to give us.

I am working on this. Oh man, I'm working on it. It's so hard because I always just feel unworthy of His help. But then I read this scripture and am reminded that He loves me and that He wants to help me. He is a merciful Father, and He knows my every challenge, my every need. 

A Righteous Struggle

I was going to complain about the struggle I am having with this whole thing, but then I realized, at least I am still struggling. It could be worse. I could give up.

I haven't lost any more weight since those two pounds I lost when I first started this effort. However, I haven't gained them back. And I'm not giving up. And, honestly, I ate like a pig. Cookies? Bring 'em on. McDonald's? Sure, get me a Big Mac. 

So how could I expect to lose weight eating like that, right?

Skinny Man gave me a blessing a week or so ago and I was instructed to make small manageable goals and I would be successful. So, while I'm tempted to go hog wild and add a bunch more restrictions, I'm not going to do that.

My goals remain the same as last week, and will until I get a hang of those things.

However, there is one thing I did not do last week that I am going to try to do better at this week: I am going to rely more on Heavenly Father and read the helpful scriptures and talks I have for each month for help and inspiration.

I will not give up.

Say it with me folks . . .

I weigh 130 lbs and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

Time To Get That Spark

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit. 

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can. 

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
2. Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
3. Go to karate twice.
4. Exercise at home once.
5. Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh? 

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . 

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE. 

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

Choose

For Honesty, the Church's Twelve-Step program recommends reading "Addiction or Freedom" by Elder Russell M. Nelson. 

Most of the article isn't relevant for me since it's specific for drug addictions, but I was able to read it with an open mind and glean some wonderful things from it.

Elder Nelson says: 

"This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail." 

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that my will can prevail. He goes on to say,

"Healing doesn't come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure."

It's kind of scary to think it could take as long to heal as it took me to become sick. I mean, I think I've been 'sick' like this most of my life. But it does give me hope that even if I can't all of sudden become a good eater, a good steward of my body, that if I keep trying, keep walking in the right direction, then one day, I will be well again.

Elder Nelson offers a 'spiritual prescription' to help us regain our health and wellness again:

1. Choose to Be Alive. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you in return. Cheer up your hearts.

"The choice for life brings an outlook of optimism. It breathes hope. It rekindles self-esteem--regarding one's body as a timeless trust. And it awakens a personal commitment to "see that ye take care of these scared things, . . . that ye look to God and live." 

2. Choose to Believe. This is sometimes the hardest one for me. I believe in God and I know that He loves me, but I often fall short of believing that He will help me. But if I really think about it, about how He truly is my Father and that He is a loving parent, I realize that He would never let me down if I asked sincerely for His help. What parent would?

3. Choose to Change. "How long will ye suffer [yourself] to be led by foolish and blind guides? Yea, how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" (Hel. 13:29.) I choose to change.

4. Choose to Be Different. 

"Thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation." (D&C 89:4.)

"The Word of Wisdom is a spiritual law. To be obedient He proclaimed: "I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them." (D&C 89:21.)

The thing about the Word of Wisdom is, that it says "to be used with prudence." I want to be more obedient to this law. I am not putting anything into my body that contradicts it's dictates, but I am not careful to partake in moderation. This is where I need to improve.

5. Choose to Exercise. Exercising the body and spirit is freeing. It cheers us and gives us hope.

6. Choose to Be Free. "Leave behind "an iron yoke, . . . handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell." (D&C 123:8.)" Oh, how I want to do this! I truly feel trapped by my food addictions. I want to be free!

I Am Filled

I am often "encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." I hate myself for it. I struggle with myself, like a prize fighter who never wins the prize.

And when things do start to go well, when I start to think I can manage my life, my temptations, "my heart groaneth because of my sins."

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support" and He loves me. 

"He hath led me through mine afflictions . . .; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep."

There is no shame that I cannot take to Him. There is no help He would withhold from me, if I but ask. 

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

I do not need to consume so much that I am filled from the inside out. I only need to turn to my Father in Heaven. He will fill me with His love, and, being filled, I will overcome my temptations that they have no hold on me.

This, I believe.

*everything in quotes is scripture taken from 2 Nephi 4:18-21.

Stuff Happens

Namely . . . feelings happen.

Chocolate happens.

McDonalds happens.

Yeah, and that pretty much sums up why I didn't update my sidebar stuff last week and why I didn't lose any more weight last week.

But you know? It's all good.

I didn't GAIN any weight back, either. I know what went wrong last week and I do have the power to do it better this week. I shall prevail!

I'm still working through Step One, or Honesty, and last week I read Helaman 12:6. It reads:

"Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide."

I had to read that several times before I could really grasp what that meant to me. I think I've figured it out, but it's also still rattling around in my head, looking for a more firm purchase.

For me, it means that I am still hard-hearted and still forget or refuse to let my Father in Heaven help me. And yet, He is great, and He has mercy toward me. He wants to help me. He is kind and good. He loves me. 

I think why this concept is hard for me to grasp is because I have difficulty loving myself, so why should Heavenly Father love me, let alone want to help me?

If I am so weak, constantly giving in to my cravings, why should He want to help? Why not throw His hands up and be done with me already? 

And yet . . . this scripture would seem to say, that His hand of mercy is stretched out toward me still. If I would but remember and turn my heart to Him, let Him help me, let Him love me . . . He will.

A New Week ~ A New Goal

I did super last week!

I even lost two pounds. Isn't that amazing? It's tempting, when you've had some success, to do more and more--which, for a person like me, can spell disaster. I had been planning to do just that, but when I prayed about it, I felt that I should just increase my weekly goal by a very little bit.

Last week, my goal was to drink four glasses of water a day and to not eat past 9:00. 

This week, I will drink five glasses of water and not eat past 8:30 p.m. I'm also going to stretch each morning and go to all three of my karate classes. Baby steps boys and girls! Baby steps!

I've also been doing a good job of saying my mantra to myself. It is a very powerful thing. For the first time in a long time I've been able to envision what I will look like when I'm all done. When I shower I can imagine the fat being washed off of my body along with the soap.

Sing with me "I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my. And send it on its way!" (courtesy of South Pacific, of course.)

When I look in the mirror, particularly after a shower when (gasp!) I'm naked, instead of scowling at my blubbery self, I smile and say my mantra. It's possible for me, then, to see where I still have curves and where my real self is hiding underneath.

I was thinking that for me, being fat, is like curling up under layers of warm, soft quilts. I go to hide in there when I don't want to face the world. When I'm feeling down and out, I just want to curl up in a ball where no one can see me because I'm so small. Or, hide under the quilts. I wonder if that's what I've done to myself. Covered myself up with layer upon layer of nice fat quilts so that I can hide my true self from the world. Hmm.

So it's a slow and sometimes painful process to peel back those quilts, but I'm starting to think it might not be so bad. And my mantra is helping me to believe that.

I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

I Am A Masterpiece

I will probably post this video on every single one of my blogs because it is just ... powerful.

In regard to my issues of my body and my untamed spirit that I have difficulty controlling, this video is inspiring to me. I am a masterpiece. You are. We all are. I am so grateful to know that I am a daughter of God. I want to start acting like one.

Bye, Bye Ugly Fat Girl

Last night I read the first scripture in the twelve-step program. I think I'd read it before, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Like I said yesterday, I'm feeling pretty open-minded right now, which is an amazing thing.

I prayed for help last night. I feel good. I read the scriptures and I felt they spoke to me. Ahh. It's beautiful. 

(I weigh 130 lbs., and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.)

The first scripture recommended is 2 Nephi 26:22: 

And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Now, I know we already discussed this scripture, but the thing is, I wasn't really listening. Or my heart wasn't in it. Either way, I'm only now going "Hey, I get this!" I'm slow that way.

A cross reference for this scripture was 2 Nephi 28:21, and that was the one that really spoke to me when I read it:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

I tried to explain to my husband how this scripture made me feel, and I had a really hard time. I probably won't be able to do any better, but ... well, we're all sistah freaks here right?

So, I got this image of myself standing in front of the pantry door, hiding behind it, really, while I stuffed chocolates into my mouth. As one awesome commenter said, (Kristi? Jeri? Cindy?) Satan as few tools to use against us. He knows he's not going to catch me watching porn on my computer. He knows he's not going to help stuff pills down my throat. 

He knows that he can defeat my sense of self, my self-value, my ability to believe in myself by continually working at demeaning me and my ability to control myself. 

I have a mission here on earth. I was created to do a job. My own personal belief is that I need to be well and healthy to do that job. But regardless, I'm less likely to stand up with my arm raised saying "Here I am, Lord, send me" if I'm feeling like the ugly fat girl. 

The ugly fat girl doesn't want anyone to look at her, let alone to be in charge of something, to lead ... anything.

The ugly fat girl doesn't believe in herself, so how is she ever going to really believe that God believes in her?

The ugly fat girl entirely lacks faith. Faith in herself, and by extension, faith in her Heavenly Father.

I do not want to be that ugly fat girl anymore.

I am closing that pantry door. I am cutting those flaxen cords. I will not give Satan a tool to use against me. 

I am the ugly fat girl, no more.

Trust in God

Just in case anyone out there is looking for the third step in our journey to good mental, spiritual and bodily health, here it is:

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

• Submission of One's Will ~ "Insights From My Life", Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9.
• Trust in God ~ Alma 5:13
• I Will Come In To Him ~ Revelation 3:20
• With God Nothing is Impossible ~ Luke 1:37
• The Plan of Happiness ~ Alma 42:8
• Reconcile To The Will of God ~ 2 Nephi 10:24
• Submit Cheerfully ~ Mosiah 24:15
• Fast and Pray ~ Helaman 3:35
• Extending the Arm of Mercy ~ Mosiah 29:20
• Thanks to God ~ Alma 7:23
• Become As A Child ~ Mosiah 3:19
• Thy Will Be Done ~ Luke 22:41-42

I am in an interesting place right now. Those positive mantras that I've been working on? Well, they are having a powerful influence on me. I am feeling happier, more beautiful, and I can, for the first time ever, see myself living a more healthy life with a much slimmer body. So, right now, I'm feeling like I want to go back and really try to do these steps. That hope that seemed so far away last month, seems within my grasp this month. 

Yes, I am feeling hopeful.

Hunger

I was listening to Dr. Laura today when a woman called her for help with a drinking problem. 

Through their discussion it became apparent that this woman drank because it brought her closer to her parents, who were always out, drinking.

She hungered for their attention.

I had only been half-listening, until I heard that word. 

Hunger.

It really struck me, hit me--hard. That I hungered for my mom's attention, for someone's attention, and so I ate. I hungered, and so I filled my hunger.

Anyway, I don't really feel like going into all the things I have hungered for, but this realization felt powerful and true to me today. Just wanted to share.

Uh Oh. She's Been Thinking.

First of all, thanks to Jeri for the link to that excellent article. I read it. I am still pondering it. I may post on it in the future. Thanks again!

OK, so what have I been thinking about? Well, several things, actually.

A bunch of things have been colliding in my brain.

• Jonathan Roche wrote an article for Flylady.com that said we needed to have specific goals, not vague ones. Specific goals have been proven to be more effective in motivating people so they actually reach those goals.
• I re-read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself which says you need to say ten positive things to yourself for each negative thing you say because we are more likely to listen to the negative.
• This book also says you need to be specific about the goal you want to reach. For instance, if you want to weigh 130 lbs, tell yourself you weigh 130 lbs, rather than saying you weigh 'less'. Be specific.
• Another Flylady.com email this week suggested to us that if we set the goal to lose one pound a week, by Memorial Day we would have lost twelve pounds. Maybe that wouldn't make a huge impact on how we looked, but I can bet that it would make a huge impact on how we felt about ourselves.
• I have a habit of failing at the diets I try. But baby steps might work.

So, I'm going to try something. I'm going to try a combo of the things I just mentioned. I've already said this out loud to my honey, so now I'm writing it down. I will not beat myself up if I slip up. I will not. I will not. I swear it. (Remind me of this if I forget, ok?)

1. I will lose 12 pounds by Memorial Day, 2009.
2. For every negative thing I say to myself or about myself, I will repeat a positive mantra ten times. An example of what I might say is "I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy."
3. For the next week I will drink four glasses of water a day. Currently I'm lucky to drink two--I know the goal is to drink eight or more a day, but for now, I'm going to concentrate on baby steps. So, four glasses a day for the next week.
4. For the next week, I will not eat past 9:00 p.m. Again, I know the goal is to not eat past 7:00 p.m., but I tend to like to eat late at night, so I'm going to start with a goal that I feel is within reach. 

I am practicing have a positive attitude. I don't know how I'll do as I've failed lots and lots, but I do think these goals are doable, and even if I don't meet these goals, I think I'll be better off.

Care to join me?