A New Week ~ A New Goal

I did super last week!

I even lost two pounds. Isn't that amazing? It's tempting, when you've had some success, to do more and more--which, for a person like me, can spell disaster. I had been planning to do just that, but when I prayed about it, I felt that I should just increase my weekly goal by a very little bit.

Last week, my goal was to drink four glasses of water a day and to not eat past 9:00. 

This week, I will drink five glasses of water and not eat past 8:30 p.m. I'm also going to stretch each morning and go to all three of my karate classes. Baby steps boys and girls! Baby steps!

I've also been doing a good job of saying my mantra to myself. It is a very powerful thing. For the first time in a long time I've been able to envision what I will look like when I'm all done. When I shower I can imagine the fat being washed off of my body along with the soap.

Sing with me "I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my. And send it on its way!" (courtesy of South Pacific, of course.)

When I look in the mirror, particularly after a shower when (gasp!) I'm naked, instead of scowling at my blubbery self, I smile and say my mantra. It's possible for me, then, to see where I still have curves and where my real self is hiding underneath.

I was thinking that for me, being fat, is like curling up under layers of warm, soft quilts. I go to hide in there when I don't want to face the world. When I'm feeling down and out, I just want to curl up in a ball where no one can see me because I'm so small. Or, hide under the quilts. I wonder if that's what I've done to myself. Covered myself up with layer upon layer of nice fat quilts so that I can hide my true self from the world. Hmm.

So it's a slow and sometimes painful process to peel back those quilts, but I'm starting to think it might not be so bad. And my mantra is helping me to believe that.

I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

Uh Oh ... My Good Intentions are Failing ...

Another bad water day. I don't know about the food. Not too bad, I guess. I think I'm going to check out some books, like the one Jeri recommended, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman. 

Jeri wrote in the comment trail: 

"It has a "script" in it that you use to "process negative emotions." While I am not 100% sold on everything in the book, I have found the script somewhat helpful. I'd be REALLY interested to see if "scripting" the emotions curbed the need to "eat" them."

My local library has it checked out at the moment, so I put it on hold. I think it's time to get some more input or ideas as to what's going on in my messed up brain.

So, I only got two glasses of water in today. There's no excuse for that - tomorrow I WILL do better.

No real food feelings today - I was busy enough that I didn't really get any time to hang out with food at all, I just ate what and when everyone else was eating.

A Heavy Burden

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy. 

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here. 

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden. 

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts  of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food. 

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

• work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
• add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
• get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.  

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Switching Things Up ` Day Two of the Four-Glass Challenge

Ta Da! I did it again! Hurray!

I've eaten like a pregnant woman carrying septuplets, but hey, at least I drank my four glasses of water :) And I'm not even knocking the fact that I'm only drinking four glasses instead of the recommended eight. It's more than i was drinking and that, my friends, is success.

Last night I had a thought: I should check out a book I read earlier in the year "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmsetter. A girl I met at karate suggested this book. She said it had changed her life. It was like magic. A miracle.

I read the book with an open mind. I could definitely see how it could help and bless your life. But I just didn't feel like putting in the effort to make it work. Plus, no one has tape cassettes anymore and all that jazz. 

But last night it occurred to me that I had a digital voice recorder. It's tiny and is easily portable. Heck, my phone has a voice recorder in it. If I need some positive affirmations, I can put them on it. I can listen to them (the affirmations) whenever and wherever I want.

I'm gonna give it a try. What's wrong with me is manifesting itself as a physical problem, but it's an internal one, really. I think if I can change my inner dialogue, I'll definitely be further ahead in the game.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt HAPPY. And the mantra that was going through my head, for the first time in a long, long time ... maybe even ever ... was "I'm Beautiful, Healthy and Happy." 

I've felt pretty darn good all day. Despite the extra helpings of Christmas goodies.