Enough....is enough!

I am shouting to the world..."Enough already!" I...am...sick...of...being...fat. I have been fat my whole life, and I have had enough. I have had many moments through out my life where I was tired of being fat, and would go on a diet, and would fail...or lose it and gain it back. I have had lots of excuses to lean upon that have kept me fat...things from my childhood that have spilled over into my adult life that has made me feel "safe" with all my fat, and in control of MY life, because I can eat whatever I want and no one can tell me otherwise!

I have had lots of excuses the past several years that because I have been under extreme stress, it is OK to emotionally eat my way to obesity. I have dealt with loved ones dying from cancer, I am constantly dealing with my husband and all of his health problems that have literally taken all of my emotional time and energy...and on and on.

You know what I came to realize? My life (and yours) will ALWAYS be stressful. I keep waiting for the time when things will calm down a little...and then I'll lose weight. That candybar sure makes me feel better when I am waiting for my husbands test results. Food, makes me feel better.....for a while.

The moment of realization came, when my 10 year old son, who is athletic to the core, and even has a 6 pack! said that he was getting fat and needed to go on a diet. Huh...that is not good. He has said it several times, and then I realized...he has a fat mom, a fat dad, and fat grandparents...one of which just recently passed away from leukemia. I am setting a horrible example for my children. What...am I doing? I have no energy to play with my children. I was at the park and told my 3 year old that I was not going to push him on the swings. I didn't have the energy. And then, a woman, who was clearly going through chemotherapy, came over and pushed her toddler on the swing for at least 20 minutes. Oh boy...I felt like an ungrateful mom. Here I was sitting on a bench, too tired because I am too fat...and this woman who is going through something horrible, is finding the energy to push forward and enjoy every moment. Talk about another wake up call! I am missing out on the best years of my life. I am 37 and too young to feel this awful.

So...I have taken back control of my life. I always thought that eating whatever I wanted, was taking control...but that was out of control. I was giving my control away and in the meantime, I was miserable and fat.

One night, while I was feeling an extreme low trying to figure out how to pay all the stacks and stacks of medical bills, I decided to do something for myself. I ordered a month of Nutri-system. The guilt was overwhelming at first, and then I decided that if I did not do something for me..I would be the one in a few years with diabetes and obese diseases that all my relatives have. This is my preventative health care.

So...here I am 6 weeks later, and I have lost almost 20 pounds. Holy Ca-rap is right! I am actually doing it. And you know what the best part about it is? I know WHY I am doing it, and for WHO. Not only am I doing it for my children, I am doing it for ME. My mind has shifted this time, and it has been a totally different experience. (It also doesn't hurt that my 20 year reunion is next summer...I would love to go back and show people what a thin Kristi would look like...that would be a real shocker for everyone!)

Exercising leads to fatness

I don't know if you all are aware of this or not, studies have shown that exercising leads to weight gain. I'm not talking about the infamous "building muscle" weight gain. I am talking about the good old fashioned puttin on the fat pounds. Oh...alright...I have not found an "official" study that states that if you exercise you will gain weight. I am referring to my own personal study of my life.

Why is it that every single time I start exercising, I start packing on the pounds? I have been walking for the past 3 months, about 2-3 times a week, yes, that in and of itself is a stinkin mir-a-cle!, so why oh why am I fatter than ever? Well...I can tell you why. After my 2.4 mile morning walk, I come home and feel "justified" in eating a donut(I guess I should say donut's because lets get honest here...who can eat just one donut?). Then, an hour later, I feel justified in having four cookies, with a side of See's chocolate, and then for lunch, I feel justifed in having those chicken nuggets, and so on and so on because...Hey! I exercised today! So, just because I exercise...it gives me license to eat and eat? Shouldn't I be turning more health conscious and watching what I eat, because I exercised? Especially since I really, really, dislike exercising. I'll admit it...I am SO lazy when it comes to exercising. If I didn't have a friend that literally called me every....single...morning to get me out walking, I would never do it. I told her I am going to make her a 65 lb. fat suit for her to wear, because that is how much heavier I am than her. That might slow her down a little bit, and help her realize why it is so hard to get this old "voluptuous" body moving every single day.

So...now what? I'm not sure. I just polished off two huge bowls of Captain Crunch Berries...because...Hey! I exercised today.

Protein Shake to Coffee Cake

Yesterday I woke up and I was bound and determined to have a good day. I started out my day with a protein shake. Yum...it was chocolate and actually tasted good. A few minutes later I was sitting at the computer fantasizing about chocolate. Huh...this can't be good. I just had some "chocolate" and I was not hungry per say. But I didn't give in. My friend called me and invited me over for a play date. She asked me if I had eaten breakfast, I told her "kindof", and she proceeded to make her coffee cake. Oh my heavenly goodness. The house smelled of cinnamon and sugar. When it came out I had to have a piece...besides it would be "rude" right? She told me that it was especially good with butter smeared all over the top. I had to try that. Oh my...3 HUGE pieces later I finally stopped. Wow...how did THAT happen? Protein Shake to Coffee Cake all in the matter of a couple of hours. If I even try to "diet" or eat right, something in my brain goes crazy and I end up doing way more damage than if I ate a regular breakfast. No more protein shakes that is for sure. I'll stick to my cereal thank you very much.

From Prayer to Burger King

Ali was wondering how I am doing. So here it is folks. The truth. Last week I was reading Ali's post about asking Heavenly Father for help in this whole process. So I decided to give it a whirl. One night I was feeling really down on myself and beating myself up for all my lack of control I have in my life....related to food. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am the kind of person that once I say I am going to do something...I get...it...done. I am one serious booty kicker when it comes to all aspects of my life. Except Food!

So, I am laying in bed after an especially long day of emotional eating and realize that I can't do this alone. In my nightly prayers I pray and ask for help in this whole process. I am ready to conquer the world. Ummm.....errrr....not quite. I say my prayer, go to sleep, and 12 hours later I find myself at Burger King eating a Whopper Junior Value Meal. Huh...that didn't quite go as planned now did it? Nathan was out of school and wanted to go and play on the new play structure there, so of course we had to go and partake of the Burger King Goodness right? *sigh* I am sitting there wondering how I have no will power, even after praying, to even last one...single...day! Maybe I am not ready to commit? Maybe I am a total loser? Maybe I hide behind my fat, and will always be the funny fat girl? I don't know. I just know, that for now, I am not getting it done. I can say that things are more stressful because of my mother in law's cancer, but when is life not going to be stressful?

As I was sitting at my table in Burger King I was listening to a table full of skinny girls. They all had a couple of kids and were just adorable and so skinny! And here they were talking about losing weight. One girl said, "I need to lose 10 pounds! But if I lost 15, I would be like totally anorexic looking". Yeah...me too. NOT! 15 pounds would not even make a dent in my physique. It is interesting how we are all obsessed about our bodies and how we look. It is hard for me to fathom why those women would feel that way being a size 6, but hey...who am I to judge? Heartfelt prayer for help to Burger King 12 hours later. That has to be some kind of record.

One Glass Wonder

Well, I am officially the "One glass Wonder". What does that mean? It means that I have successfully drank a single glass of water every day since my post. AND, a couple of days I drank two. Wow. Sometimes it is hard to deal with my own awesomeness. I am currently rewarding myself with a truckload of mint truffles. You do whatcha gotta do. Heaven forbid I actually get ahead of the game. :) Just thought I'd share the water love. Sharing is caring right?

To Drink, or Not to Drink?

To Drink, or not to Drink? That is the question now isn't it. I have such an issue with drinking water. I absolutely detest drinking the nasty stuff, and I always have. I will drink it if there is nothing else to drink. People say, "Add a fresh lemon to it...it's so refreshing". Um...without the 1/2 cup of sugar? You have got to be kidding me. I can down a pitcher of lemonade in a heartbeat. Give me a cherry Pepsi (I know...I am SO evil! I am not nursing now, so in the past week I have done some serious damage!) and I can gulp it down in two minutes. Any sort of beverage with sugar in it, I can drink it lickity split. I know the health benefits of drinking water. I took all the health and anatomy classes. I went to massage school for crying out loud where a lot of the courses were on nutrition for the "whole" body healing. I know all that stuff, but I can't get myself to do it. And I know that without the water intake, I will never lose any weight, or be healthy.

When I read Ali's daily water intake struggle I realized that I am not the only one who battles this issue. It seems like such a simple thing...drink water, yet we have to make a conscious effort to do it. So.... What to do? Am I going to commit and drink some water? I am. I am going to commit to one glass a day. Hey...better start slow or I'll never accomplish it. I always tend to go overboard starting anything new. My "old" me would go to Walmart and buy a gallon size water bottle, fill it up first thing in the morning, then by 10:00 am realize that I am never going to finish that bad boy. Ever. Or drink so much in such a short time to accomplish the goal that I am water logged and want to die. Defeat. So...One cup it is. Look out America, Kristi is breakin out the water glass. If I am really living large, I'll drink two. OH yeah.

The Biggest Loser

I have never actually written on someone elses blog before. I love this. I love watching the Biggest Loser. The first episode I was sitting in my chair with a bag of doritos in my lap. I was watching these obese people get on the scale and I asked myself, "How on earth did they let themselves get that fat?" Huh...go figure as I am literally shoveling chips into my mouth by the hand full. I stopped what I was thinking and had to chuckle at the irony of the situation. I know exactly how they got into the position they are in. By doing exactly what I am doing in my life right now. By "not caring" about myself, or being "self-destructive" and eating and eating to fill some kind of void, and then beating myself up for it later. Who's the Biggest Loser now? I chant to myself.

So, do I get off my bum and exercise as I watch all the episodes of The Biggest Loser? Do I put away the snacks and crack down and take charge of my life? Nope...food controls me. How can that be? I don't know. What I do know is that I am looking forward to the next season of the Biggest Loser starting in January. Maybe I'll have some epiphany and change my life as I watch others change their life. Who am I kidding? We could all lose 100 pounds living on the Biggest Loser Ranch right?