Trust in God

Just in case anyone out there is looking for the third step in our journey to good mental, spiritual and bodily health, here it is:

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

• Submission of One's Will ~ "Insights From My Life", Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9.
• Trust in God ~ Alma 5:13
• I Will Come In To Him ~ Revelation 3:20
• With God Nothing is Impossible ~ Luke 1:37
• The Plan of Happiness ~ Alma 42:8
• Reconcile To The Will of God ~ 2 Nephi 10:24
• Submit Cheerfully ~ Mosiah 24:15
• Fast and Pray ~ Helaman 3:35
• Extending the Arm of Mercy ~ Mosiah 29:20
• Thanks to God ~ Alma 7:23
• Become As A Child ~ Mosiah 3:19
• Thy Will Be Done ~ Luke 22:41-42

I am in an interesting place right now. Those positive mantras that I've been working on? Well, they are having a powerful influence on me. I am feeling happier, more beautiful, and I can, for the first time ever, see myself living a more healthy life with a much slimmer body. So, right now, I'm feeling like I want to go back and really try to do these steps. That hope that seemed so far away last month, seems within my grasp this month. 

Yes, I am feeling hopeful.

A Heavy Burden

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy. 

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here. 

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden. 

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts  of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food. 

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

• work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
• add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
• get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.  

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Super Late ...

So this'll be just a quickie.

Day Three of the Four-Glass Challenge and I did it ... AGAIN!!!

But I've just GOT to tell you the good news: My rings and watch were slightly looser today. MUCH more comfortable. It's got to be the water. If that's what four glasses'll do, I wonder what eight glasses will do? Hmm ...

I ate pretty darn good today. Skinny Man and I actually went on a date and I did not eat the whole large popcorn! Hurray for me! Usually he eats this dainty amount, like an inch's worth, while I eat all the way down the crumbs at the bottom. But tonight, I was the one who stopped first.

But then I was so surprised by my behavior that a few minutes later I dipped in again. But I didn't enjoy it as much and only ate a couple more handfuls before throwing in the towel for good. I really didn't want it. Surprise! When we threw out the box, there was more than half of the popcorn still in there. A HUGE accomplishment for me.

My mantra continued to work well for me today. I'd like to post more about that, but for tonight, I'll just repeat it one more time: 

I am Beautiful, Healthy, and Happy.

Switching Things Up ` Day Two of the Four-Glass Challenge

Ta Da! I did it again! Hurray!

I've eaten like a pregnant woman carrying septuplets, but hey, at least I drank my four glasses of water :) And I'm not even knocking the fact that I'm only drinking four glasses instead of the recommended eight. It's more than i was drinking and that, my friends, is success.

Last night I had a thought: I should check out a book I read earlier in the year "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmsetter. A girl I met at karate suggested this book. She said it had changed her life. It was like magic. A miracle.

I read the book with an open mind. I could definitely see how it could help and bless your life. But I just didn't feel like putting in the effort to make it work. Plus, no one has tape cassettes anymore and all that jazz. 

But last night it occurred to me that I had a digital voice recorder. It's tiny and is easily portable. Heck, my phone has a voice recorder in it. If I need some positive affirmations, I can put them on it. I can listen to them (the affirmations) whenever and wherever I want.

I'm gonna give it a try. What's wrong with me is manifesting itself as a physical problem, but it's an internal one, really. I think if I can change my inner dialogue, I'll definitely be further ahead in the game.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt HAPPY. And the mantra that was going through my head, for the first time in a long, long time ... maybe even ever ... was "I'm Beautiful, Healthy and Happy." 

I've felt pretty darn good all day. Despite the extra helpings of Christmas goodies.

Day Four

Other than having a Big Mac combo for dinner today for lunch today, this has been a good day and I have been a good day. 

Sorry, I started this blog and ya'll probably expected some serious binging behavior to relate to, and here I'm having good days. But this is how it goes for me ... good followed by bad. 

But here's the thing, I've gained almost thirty pounds during this past year alone. I'm only 5'2 and should weight between 100-135 lbs or something like that. Personally, I like myself at 130. But right now, I weight about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my twins.

Oh, and before you go thinking I am justified to weigh that much after having twins, I was back to 130 and wearing my size 6 jeans just ten months after the boys were born. Go figure. I think it was the nursing that helped me there though ;)

So, good day for me. Hurray! I still only drank about one glass of water today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot for TWO. Woo! Go Marge!

Day Three

Today was mostly a good day ... Again, family around me, doing family stuff, and not any time really to sneak off and eat. I felt full most of the day anyway. Except, there were cookies - lots of cookies.

I didn't think I would have anything at all to post today until it became late.  I hit my 'have-to-go-to-bed-now' spot right around 10:00, but I still had a lot to do. 

An hour and a half later I am finally ready to head uip to bed, but have eatern four more cookies just while I was cleaning up the kitchen. I eat them behind my husband's back, so he can't see me. I don't offer him one, because then I'll have to admit I'm eating one (or two, or three or four). It's not that I don't want to share (thought sometimes that IS it) - just this time, I didn't want to be seen. 

So now, again, I'm going to bed feeling full and really fat. I guess the food feeling tonight was TIRED.

Day Two

Today has been a good day, with no bad eating.

Partly, it's becasue I haven't been alone all day, so there hasn't been a chance to sneak food or to crave it, really. I've felt loved and happy with my family. All is well. 

Although we went to Red Robin for dinner and I ate everything on my plate (huge hamburger, huge steak fries). Pretty much no water at all. Oh well, I'm happy at least that I had a day that I can't feel too ashamed of.

11:40 p.m.

Scratch that. I did the late-night-eating-thing and it wasn't veggies and dip, if you know what I mean. It wasn't too bad, as in, it wasn't a full-on binge. But still, I'm going to bed with my tummy full and a disappointed feeling. 

I was a little hungry (we had dinner early)  which started the eating, but when I didn't stop at full, my feelings were probably PLEASURE. I liked what I was eating (wheat thins and cream cheese) and didn't want a handful of them to be all I got. I wanted lots.