Must I Always Feed My Pain?

I've had a kind of rough weekend that hasn't gotten any better this sunny Monday. At every turn, I felt like I got socked in the gut until I lay on the ground in the fetal position. Not literally, but . . . you know.

So what did I do?

I ate a McDonald's Big Mac meal. Totally. Every single fry. Every single bite of burger.

And then I had a piece of apple pie with ice cream.

And you know what? I don't even feel done. If Skinny Man wasn't sitting right beside me, I'd be eating more.

So why do I feel like I need to feed my pain?

Some people care for emotional pain with exercise. Crazy amounts of exercise.

I once knew a woman who suffered from OCD to such an extreme she couldn't sleep if her house wasn't thoroughly cleaned. As in toothbrush-to-the-grout kind of clean. Her need for perfection extended to herself too--she exercised until her menstruation was interrupted, until she was losing weight at an alarming rate.

I guess a lot of us have issues, right? I used to look at my friend--perfect house, perfect body, perfect wardrobe--and think she was . . . well, perfect. Until I got to know her and learned that her perfection was her greatest shame. It was an illness, not perfection. Her perfection hurt.

You can't look at other people and know what pain their outward appearance may hide. People may look at me and wonder why I've let myself get so chubby, when if only I exercise, I'd look so cute.

Right. If only.

But I can't add my lack of will power to my really bad day. I'm burdened enough as it is. So for tonight, I'm going to feed my pain and not beat myself up for it.

You Can't Trust A Thing I Say

And by now, you've probably figured that out.

When it comes to myself and my health, you just can't trust me. 

I haven't been reading the scriptures and talks I said I would. I haven't been watching what I eat. Like I said, I'm a bad, bad girl.

I have however, been exercising. I KNOW! Go figure. I can't explain it either. It's just been happening.

Nothing more to report just now, I just wanted you to know I hadn't yet eaten myself to death, so I guess that's something.

Time To Get That Spark

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit. 

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can. 

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
2. Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
3. Go to karate twice.
4. Exercise at home once.
5. Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh? 

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . 

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE. 

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

Protein Shake to Coffee Cake

Yesterday I woke up and I was bound and determined to have a good day. I started out my day with a protein shake. Yum...it was chocolate and actually tasted good. A few minutes later I was sitting at the computer fantasizing about chocolate. Huh...this can't be good. I just had some "chocolate" and I was not hungry per say. But I didn't give in. My friend called me and invited me over for a play date. She asked me if I had eaten breakfast, I told her "kindof", and she proceeded to make her coffee cake. Oh my heavenly goodness. The house smelled of cinnamon and sugar. When it came out I had to have a piece...besides it would be "rude" right? She told me that it was especially good with butter smeared all over the top. I had to try that. Oh my...3 HUGE pieces later I finally stopped. Wow...how did THAT happen? Protein Shake to Coffee Cake all in the matter of a couple of hours. If I even try to "diet" or eat right, something in my brain goes crazy and I end up doing way more damage than if I ate a regular breakfast. No more protein shakes that is for sure. I'll stick to my cereal thank you very much.