Time To Get That Spark

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit. 

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can. 

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
2. Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
3. Go to karate twice.
4. Exercise at home once.
5. Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh? 

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . 

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE. 

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

I Am Filled

I am often "encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." I hate myself for it. I struggle with myself, like a prize fighter who never wins the prize.

And when things do start to go well, when I start to think I can manage my life, my temptations, "my heart groaneth because of my sins."

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support" and He loves me. 

"He hath led me through mine afflictions . . .; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep."

There is no shame that I cannot take to Him. There is no help He would withhold from me, if I but ask. 

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

I do not need to consume so much that I am filled from the inside out. I only need to turn to my Father in Heaven. He will fill me with His love, and, being filled, I will overcome my temptations that they have no hold on me.

This, I believe.

*everything in quotes is scripture taken from 2 Nephi 4:18-21.

Hope. No Hope. Bob Hope?

I have no clue.

I should really write every day again, because when I don't write you miss whole chunks of the inner workings that are the mysterious and wonderful me.

I wanted to write this whole thing about rebellion, but I'm not in that place right at this moment. I move around a lot. In the nice places, the rent is too high and I can't pay it for very long. In the decent places, the rent isn't bad but the upkeep is terrible and I'm lazy, so adios suckers! In the shabby places, well, you move around a lot, no one really gets to know you and it's safe, sort of, in a "I'm a total loser" sort of way.

Skinny Man has been home for a long stretch and life has been good. Until one day I grabbed a handful of chocolates and ate them right in front of him. That almost never happens. Usually I hide my naughtiness.

It was like I was thumbing my nose right at him, right at me, right at the sensible me who knew better.

I hid a piece of pizza in my lap and took sneaky bites when my boys weren't looking. 

I ate the rest of my son's chocolate cake even though he said he wanted to save it for later.

Most of these I did do on the sly (and so many more) but I also have done a lot of eating right in front of Skinny Man. Like I said, I usually don't do that. I was and am shocked at myself. I'm breaking my own rules and it feels creepy and strange like I've hit a whole new low.

I haven't been praying. Not for help or hope or anything. I haven't been praying at all. I feel too ashamed to talk to my Heavenly Father. I figure, why would He want to hear from me when I can't even do the simple things He has asked me to do? I'm in a bad and yucky place :(

Don't be surprised if I post more often and it's stupid and boring. Hey, I'm not really here for you, remember? I'm here for me and because I hate writing in long hand and writing that just goes nowhere doesn't do it for me. I have to at least pretend that YOU are out there. And I must imagine you to be somewhat hostile, I guess too eh? Since I mistreat you so badly, lol.

I think I need to keep it real and the only way I can do that is to write about it all ... the ... time.

Sorry.

From Prayer to Burger King

Ali was wondering how I am doing. So here it is folks. The truth. Last week I was reading Ali's post about asking Heavenly Father for help in this whole process. So I decided to give it a whirl. One night I was feeling really down on myself and beating myself up for all my lack of control I have in my life....related to food. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am the kind of person that once I say I am going to do something...I get...it...done. I am one serious booty kicker when it comes to all aspects of my life. Except Food!

So, I am laying in bed after an especially long day of emotional eating and realize that I can't do this alone. In my nightly prayers I pray and ask for help in this whole process. I am ready to conquer the world. Ummm.....errrr....not quite. I say my prayer, go to sleep, and 12 hours later I find myself at Burger King eating a Whopper Junior Value Meal. Huh...that didn't quite go as planned now did it? Nathan was out of school and wanted to go and play on the new play structure there, so of course we had to go and partake of the Burger King Goodness right? *sigh* I am sitting there wondering how I have no will power, even after praying, to even last one...single...day! Maybe I am not ready to commit? Maybe I am a total loser? Maybe I hide behind my fat, and will always be the funny fat girl? I don't know. I just know, that for now, I am not getting it done. I can say that things are more stressful because of my mother in law's cancer, but when is life not going to be stressful?

As I was sitting at my table in Burger King I was listening to a table full of skinny girls. They all had a couple of kids and were just adorable and so skinny! And here they were talking about losing weight. One girl said, "I need to lose 10 pounds! But if I lost 15, I would be like totally anorexic looking". Yeah...me too. NOT! 15 pounds would not even make a dent in my physique. It is interesting how we are all obsessed about our bodies and how we look. It is hard for me to fathom why those women would feel that way being a size 6, but hey...who am I to judge? Heartfelt prayer for help to Burger King 12 hours later. That has to be some kind of record.