I should really write every day again, because when I don't write you miss whole chunks of the inner workings that are the mysterious and wonderful me.
I wanted to write this whole thing about rebellion, but I'm not in that place right at this moment. I move around a lot. In the nice places, the rent is too high and I can't pay it for very long. In the decent places, the rent isn't bad but the upkeep is terrible and I'm lazy, so adios suckers! In the shabby places, well, you move around a lot, no one really gets to know you and it's safe, sort of, in a "I'm a total loser" sort of way.
Skinny Man has been home for a long stretch and life has been good. Until one day I grabbed a handful of chocolates and ate them right in front of him. That almost never happens. Usually I hide my naughtiness.
It was like I was thumbing my nose right at him, right at me, right at the sensible me who knew better.
I hid a piece of pizza in my lap and took sneaky bites when my boys weren't looking.
I ate the rest of my son's chocolate cake even though he said he wanted to save it for later.
Most of these I did do on the sly (and so many more) but I also have done a lot of eating right in front of Skinny Man. Like I said, I usually don't do that. I was and am shocked at myself. I'm breaking my own rules and it feels creepy and strange like I've hit a whole new low.
I haven't been praying. Not for help or hope or anything. I haven't been praying at all. I feel too ashamed to talk to my Heavenly Father. I figure, why would He want to hear from me when I can't even do the simple things He has asked me to do? I'm in a bad and yucky place :(
Don't be surprised if I post more often and it's stupid and boring. Hey, I'm not really here for you, remember? I'm here for me and because I hate writing in long hand and writing that just goes nowhere doesn't do it for me. I have to at least pretend that YOU are out there. And I must imagine you to be somewhat hostile, I guess too eh? Since I mistreat you so badly, lol.
I think I need to keep it real and the only way I can do that is to write about it all ... the ... time.
Sorry.
