Exercising leads to fatness

I don't know if you all are aware of this or not, studies have shown that exercising leads to weight gain. I'm not talking about the infamous "building muscle" weight gain. I am talking about the good old fashioned puttin on the fat pounds. Oh...alright...I have not found an "official" study that states that if you exercise you will gain weight. I am referring to my own personal study of my life.

Why is it that every single time I start exercising, I start packing on the pounds? I have been walking for the past 3 months, about 2-3 times a week, yes, that in and of itself is a stinkin mir-a-cle!, so why oh why am I fatter than ever? Well...I can tell you why. After my 2.4 mile morning walk, I come home and feel "justified" in eating a donut(I guess I should say donut's because lets get honest here...who can eat just one donut?). Then, an hour later, I feel justified in having four cookies, with a side of See's chocolate, and then for lunch, I feel justifed in having those chicken nuggets, and so on and so on because...Hey! I exercised today! So, just because I exercise...it gives me license to eat and eat? Shouldn't I be turning more health conscious and watching what I eat, because I exercised? Especially since I really, really, dislike exercising. I'll admit it...I am SO lazy when it comes to exercising. If I didn't have a friend that literally called me every....single...morning to get me out walking, I would never do it. I told her I am going to make her a 65 lb. fat suit for her to wear, because that is how much heavier I am than her. That might slow her down a little bit, and help her realize why it is so hard to get this old "voluptuous" body moving every single day.

So...now what? I'm not sure. I just polished off two huge bowls of Captain Crunch Berries...because...Hey! I exercised today.

Food makes me happy?

I...love...food. I am an emotional eater, and the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the last several months has been intense....so my eating has been intense. And as Ali so beautifully stated, I also..."am getting fatter".

I wonder if it is a bad thing that the gals at the Wendy's drive thru know me, and we talk as if we are life long friends. I wonder if it is strange that Ginger, who works at Steak burger where they have the BEST twist cones ever, will be receiving a Christmas gift from me because she is such a sweetie. Huh...I don't think that is normal. I wonder if that is a sign that I frequent those types of places WAY too much? Ya think? My two year old knows each fast food joint and will ask for whatever I usually get him as we drive by. "Taco Mama?" (Taco Bell) "I want Shake mama"(Burger King, and Jack in the Box) "Chicken nuggets pleeeeease" (Wendy's, McDonalds) and so on and so on. I see a Fast Food Intervention in my future.

A few weeks ago, my son said something to me that has haunted me. We were sitting in the parking lot eating our Wendy's, and he says to me, "You're happier now aren't you?" And then he said, "I feel happier when I eat too". Oh boy. This is not good. My 9 year old even recognizes my behavior. Yes...I feel happier when I eat. My mood definitely is brighter after I have partaken of some tasty morsel. I get excited when I know that I am going to go out to eat, and I think about what I am going to order. It's fun to take my kids to get icecream and they know that I will be fun and happy, so they in turn are excited. Wow...that's messed up.

So...what have I done to remedy the situation? Have I changed my life and started feeling giddy while eating carrots? Nope. I have remedied the situation by going to my "fun" places while my son is at school. That should help. Baby steps here people! :)

Does food make you happy? It sure makes me happy...for a while...until I am laying in bed at night beating myself up over eating way too much and getting fatter. Such is life. And here I sit typing this, thinking non-stop about the chocolate pie in the fridge. Time to go and partake.

P.S. If you are wondering who this random person is typing this...don't worry...you are not alone. I have not posted in a long time. I am back...and ready to rumble!

Cheating on the hCG Diet

Oh yeah, this time round has not been a walk in the park.

It's the chicken and the egg argument all over again. Am I hungry so much because I've been cheating a little? Or has the diet not been meeting my needs this time and so I've been cheating?

It's a conundrum, I know.

I've been on the diet for two weeks now and I'm suffering, man. I've had pizza, I've had a bowl of cereal, I've had some popcorn. Bad, bad, bad.

I've lost almost six pounds, but seriously? Come on, that's lame.

I'm trying to focus and tough out the last week of the low-cal part of the diet, but tomorrow's my birthday so, yeah ... not feeling all the confident. But I'm gonna try. Seriously.

I really wanted to get to 155 this round of the diet. That's five more pounds and I've only lost 5.5 in two whole weeks, so I'm not sure how confident I am that I can meet that goal. *sigh*

Maybe it's because I don't have any friends doing the diet with me with this time. Last time, I shopped with friends, shared meal ideas, shared meals even. Definitely, those things were a big help last time and I really miss them. I feel so weak without a friend to support me.

So it hasn't been a stellar go at the diet this time and I can definitely see how some people might hate the diet if this was how their first attempt went. Luckily, my first time was excellent, so I'm not ready to write the diet off because I'm having a bad couple of weeks.

Even if I weren't to lose any more weight than the near-six I've lost so far this round, this diet has still been a resounding success. I've lost almost twenty pounds in three months. That's not shabby at all.

Gotta Hate That Emotional Eating Thang

Today was hard.

I have a wonderful family who normally spoil me silly on special occasions. Perhaps I've become a brat or something, but this year they are letting me down.

Also in past years, we've been so broke around Mother's Day and my birthday (which is in a couple months) that there hasn't been much to spend on gifts. I've always been fine with that. But I have to admit that this year, knowing we weren't so tight, I was looking forward to a little spoiling.

I gave plenty of suggestions well in advance of this weekend. Plenty reminders that Mother's Day was coming up, lol. But it wasn't until today that Skinny Man decided to go shopping for me. But that's not the problem.

The problem was he took me and the boys with him (why did I have to go?) and just kept asking me what I wanted. 

Well, if you're a girl, you know that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

Finally I got frustrated--not angry, just sad, really--and told them that I loved them and I didn't like feeling that they were only out to get me a gift to give me something. I'd be happy with some extra lovin'. If they didn't have any idea of what to get me, then they shouldn't get me anything. Ya know?

Of course you know that I was also not telling the truth, right?

Sure, I want the extra lovin' and I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want, for a moment, to feel like a Queen in my home. But, I also like gifts. :D

So I dropped everyone off at home and went out to get groceries. And I had an epiphany. 

I was craving sweets, treats ... anything that I could shove in my mouth. I ate two Rollo's which took a great amount of self control not to eat more, but still ... it shouldn't have happened at all.

I found myself hoping they weren't home when I returned so that I could sit down with a bag of Doritos and pig out. That would have been bad on so many levels. It might have single-handedly ruined my efforts on my diet. It would have left me feeling hated (by me) and punished (by me) and icky in general. It would have disappointed Skinny Man who has been so proud of my progress.

I did not come home and pig out. Aside from those two little Rollo's I did not have anything illegal today.

But I found it so interesting that in the face of feeling let down by the ones I love, my reaction was to punish myself. 

Why? What would I accomplish, psychologically speaking, if I were to do that? Prove that I'm unlovable? And that they have good reason not to spoil me because I am so unlovable? To hurt myself so they would feel sorry for letting me down? For driving me to pig out?

I think both, really. I wanted Skinny Man to feel sorry--to realize that he had an opportunity to really make me feel loved, and instead he made me feel like I--and this special day--was just an afterthought. 

And I wanted to punish myself because I hate feeling so needy that I have to drive my family into caring for me, into loving me. Am I that horrible? That rotten that people wont' just love me and show me they love me? Not unless I hold their strings, like puppets, and make them? 

I need to believe in myself more.

I know Skinny Man loves me. I know it. He doesn't always show me in the way I want him to, but he shows me in his own way and it is no less because of that.

I know Thing 1 and Thing 2 love me. They treat me with respect and always give me love and kisses. Why should Mother's Day be special when every day with them is special? Sounds corny, I know, but my boys are very affectionate and are often telling me how much they love me. Why do I need a day to prove it to myself?

I shouldn't.

I am loved. These three people love me. I would do them honor, and my Father in Heaven, if I would only love myself as well. 

The Benefits of Tight Pants

• Because they're so tight, you have to get up and move around fairly often or else you're circulation gets cut off - leading to more exercise.
• They act like a girdle, making you look like you're five pounds lighter than you really are - never mind that you think you can't breathe.
• And because you feel like you feel like you might throw up from the super-tight waist band, you might not eat quite so much.

So resist those lazy-girl pants - you know the ones. The ones with the stretchy waist band? The comfy ones that let you all hang out? Yeah, don't do it! Resist! Those tight jeans are terribly uncomfortable, I know, but think of them as your life-line ... the last barrier between you and the next size up.

At least, that's what I've been telling myself all day long as I've been squishing around in my getting-too-tight jeans. 

I nearly didn't make my water goal today, but I did.

However, I did eat, eat, and eat. Oh, about a half a bag of Doritos in a t.v.-watching stupor, later, a whole tube of Townhouse crackers and then, in an effort to do something healthy-ish, and craving something sweet, I had a cottage cheese bowl with strawberry. Blech. 

Not 'blech' the cottage cheese, just ... blech. I'm full, unhappy with myself and, in my too-tight-jeans, uncomfortable. I need my plaid flannel jammies.

My food feelings today? FRUSTRATED, because my day wasn't going the way I needed/wanted it to go; BORED, because we were watching t.v. and, well, bored. Now? SORRY.