Just a Little Update

So, I finished the first phase, the part during which I took the shots and ate the 500 calorie diet, last Tuesday. 

I was disappointed that I only lost thirteen pounds (I did drop another pound by the end of the week, so I'm at a little over fourteen pounds lost now.) I really had hoped for more. BUT, if you've read any of my posts here for the past several months, you know that losing ANY weight is a tremendous accomplishment. I need to focus on that and let myself feel proud and satisfied.

This next part of the diet doesn't have calorie restrictions, but is still a diet. No sugars and no starches/carbs. It's harder than it sounds my friends!

I'm finding it almost easier to stick with the restrictions of the phase one diet, because once I start letting in new foods, I find I start giving in and eating badly. I have cheated almost every day. Bad! I know! So far, I haven't gained back any weight, but I find I'm scared most every day that I'll gain back the precious pounds I lost.

There is a "trick" noted in my literature, that I'll pass on ... If you find that you've gained back two pounds, fast that day and then eat a large steak with tomatoes for dinner and nothing else. Supposedly you'll be back to your proper weight the next day. Haven't had to try that yet.

It's normal, they say, to fluctuate a little, but you shouldn't more than a pound. I've just been dancing around half a pound up and down. 

Anyway, that's where I'm at. If you're doing the hCG diet, I'd love to hear from you about what's been working and what hasn't. I'll be doing another round in July and I'd love to be more successful than I was this time.

Hope. No Hope. Bob Hope?

I have no clue.

I should really write every day again, because when I don't write you miss whole chunks of the inner workings that are the mysterious and wonderful me.

I wanted to write this whole thing about rebellion, but I'm not in that place right at this moment. I move around a lot. In the nice places, the rent is too high and I can't pay it for very long. In the decent places, the rent isn't bad but the upkeep is terrible and I'm lazy, so adios suckers! In the shabby places, well, you move around a lot, no one really gets to know you and it's safe, sort of, in a "I'm a total loser" sort of way.

Skinny Man has been home for a long stretch and life has been good. Until one day I grabbed a handful of chocolates and ate them right in front of him. That almost never happens. Usually I hide my naughtiness.

It was like I was thumbing my nose right at him, right at me, right at the sensible me who knew better.

I hid a piece of pizza in my lap and took sneaky bites when my boys weren't looking. 

I ate the rest of my son's chocolate cake even though he said he wanted to save it for later.

Most of these I did do on the sly (and so many more) but I also have done a lot of eating right in front of Skinny Man. Like I said, I usually don't do that. I was and am shocked at myself. I'm breaking my own rules and it feels creepy and strange like I've hit a whole new low.

I haven't been praying. Not for help or hope or anything. I haven't been praying at all. I feel too ashamed to talk to my Heavenly Father. I figure, why would He want to hear from me when I can't even do the simple things He has asked me to do? I'm in a bad and yucky place :(

Don't be surprised if I post more often and it's stupid and boring. Hey, I'm not really here for you, remember? I'm here for me and because I hate writing in long hand and writing that just goes nowhere doesn't do it for me. I have to at least pretend that YOU are out there. And I must imagine you to be somewhat hostile, I guess too eh? Since I mistreat you so badly, lol.

I think I need to keep it real and the only way I can do that is to write about it all ... the ... time.

Sorry.

Am I A Compulsive Eater?

Like Kristi, I checked out Overeaters Anonymous before I started this blog. I was looking for answers - any answers. I didn't want to commit to a whole group-thang, so I passed on that, and I didn't notice the questions that Kristi mentioned about whether or not OA was for you. So I went back there the other day and answered the questions. 

All I can say is, WOW. 

These are the questions, lifted off of the Overeaters Anonymous website, to find out if you are a compulsive eater: 

 1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Umm ... yes. Is that a problem? In fact, I'm not sure I ever eat when I am actually hungry - at least, not if I can help it.

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

Yes. That's why I'm here. I manage my eating perhaps 80% of the time, but there's that pesky 20% when I can't get enough. 

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

Pretty much all the time, because either I'm eating the wrong stuff, too much stuff, or I'm wishing it was something better tasting.

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

I think about food pretty much all of the time. What I will eat next, when, where. All the time.

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

Yes! This is my favorite reason for my hubby to go on business trips, which I otherwise hate. When he's gone, I don't have to feel guilty (or at least, I don't have to be SEEN) when I have my late-night pig-outs.

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

YES! I dream of when he's away, or when the kids are out of the house so I can eat that last chocolate bar, or spoonfuls of peanut butter.

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

Absolutely. I'm the picture of health. Other people have no idea what I eat (or how much) behind their backs. 

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

Perhaps not so much yet. Although, my friends want me to go walking with them in the mornings, but I can't keep up with them, so I miss out on that. And I would like to be able to go sledding with my boys and other stuff like that, but I don't dare.

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

Oh yeah. Every single time. I am totally afraid of diets now because they always end in failure.

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?

Yeah, that and when they are full of ideas as to what will work for me, or the "you just need to ..." advice. I've BTDT and NONE of it has worked.

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

I'm getting over that, but otherwise, I would have said yes. Up until maybe two or three months ago, I totally thought that if I really did just TRY harder, I would and could lose weight. Now I'm just totally discouraged and think maybe I never, ever will lose this weight.

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

Yes. Mostly in the mid-afternoon when I wish I could have privacy for half an hour to eat alone - and whatever I want, and in the late evenings.

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

Absolutely. There's this commercial for Paul Blart - Mall Cop where they guy is having a piece of pie and smearing it with peanut butter after he has failed the police officer test for the umpteenth time. He says "Pie, it just fills the cracks of your heart." Yup, I totally get that.

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? 

No. But I think mainly because I haven't ever told anyone about my secret eating habits. I'm quite sure I have what's called "binge-eating disorder".

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Yes. Here's my biggest guilty admission: I've eaten treats my boys were looking forward to eating and blamed it on the dog.

So it's clear I have an eating problem. But I'm hoping that coming clean with my behavior, pulling back the curtain, so to speak, will help me heal those cracks in my heart - NOT with pie, but with truth and love for myself.

The First Day ...

3:30 p.m.

I usually start the day out alright. I love Fiber One's Honey Bunches of Oats so I always have that for breakfast and I like it. So I'm going along feeling fine, not hungry, not snacking (not drinking water either, but that's a whole 'nother issue).

Until the boys ask for lunch.

"Lunch?" I asked, surprised. I mean, I'm not hungry, are they really hungry? What time is it anyway? Is it really lunch time? Wow. 

Ok, so I head to the kitchen to scrounge up something for lunch. In the fridge is left over pizza from earlier this week. The boys don't want it for lunch. But I'm feeling lazy and bored with my food choices so I pull it out of the fridge and start munching on it while I look for something to feed the guys.

There were three pizzas in the fridge, but by the time I've finished making the boys roast beef sandwiches, I've eaten all three. Didn't I say I wasn't hungry? Huh. 

I ate the pizza cold and without a drop of water or milk or anything to drink. I'm sure that can't be good. I don't care. Now I feel yucky and like I didn't really enjoy my lunch and like I need something else to make my lunch better.

So I have a piece of chocolate. Then another. And another.

I did manage to get in two glasses of water between 8:00 this morning and 3:30 this afternoon. But I'm aiming for EIGHT. Argh.

My feelings when I started eating were LAZY and BORED. 

9:00 p.m.

Again, at dinner time, I was not hungry, but I ate. I ate a big meal, everything on my plate. Two feelings: RESIGNED and ANGRY.

Resigned because of course I'm going to eat it all. Of course it's too much. Of course my stomach will hurt from being filled too much. Of course.

Angry because of all of the above. I think there's something else there, but I'm not sure what. Angry at myself for not taking more control of myself? I'm not sure. Probably that.

And here's another thing ... when I've eaten a meal, I feel like I want, that I NEED to keep eating. It doesn't matter how much I've eaten or whether I'm full or empty. What matters, is that I eat. Eat, eat, and eat. So I had some more chocolate. I'm only talkin' the mini bars here, but still, I had three of them. 

Another feeling: SHAME. I don't want people to see me eat, especially the treats. I stand behind the pantry door to eat them. Tonight the boys and I were watching a movie and I had a bag of chocolates (given by a neighbor as a Christmas gift) that I brought down to share with them. But I was glad they had their faces turned toward the TV and didn't see that I ate twice as many chcolates as them.

They can leave their food if they are full. They can stop at one chocolate if they're sweet tooth has been satisfied.  Will I ever have that kind of control over my eating? I hope so.