Last night I read the first scripture in the twelve-step program. I think I'd read it before, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Like I said yesterday, I'm feeling pretty open-minded right now, which is an amazing thing.
I prayed for help last night. I feel good. I read the scriptures and I felt they spoke to me. Ahh. It's beautiful.
(I weigh 130 lbs., and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.)
The first scripture recommended is 2 Nephi 26:22:
And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.
Now, I know we already discussed this scripture, but the thing is, I wasn't really listening. Or my heart wasn't in it. Either way, I'm only now going "Hey, I get this!" I'm slow that way.
A cross reference for this scripture was 2 Nephi 28:21, and that was the one that really spoke to me when I read it:
And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.
I tried to explain to my husband how this scripture made me feel, and I had a really hard time. I probably won't be able to do any better, but ... well, we're all sistah freaks here right?
So, I got this image of myself standing in front of the pantry door, hiding behind it, really, while I stuffed chocolates into my mouth. As one awesome commenter said, (Kristi? Jeri? Cindy?) Satan as few tools to use against us. He knows he's not going to catch me watching porn on my computer. He knows he's not going to help stuff pills down my throat.
He knows that he can defeat my sense of self, my self-value, my ability to believe in myself by continually working at demeaning me and my ability to control myself.
I have a mission here on earth. I was created to do a job. My own personal belief is that I need to be well and healthy to do that job. But regardless, I'm less likely to stand up with my arm raised saying "Here I am, Lord, send me" if I'm feeling like the ugly fat girl.
The ugly fat girl doesn't want anyone to look at her, let alone to be in charge of something, to lead ... anything.
The ugly fat girl doesn't believe in herself, so how is she ever going to really believe that God believes in her?
The ugly fat girl entirely lacks faith. Faith in herself, and by extension, faith in her Heavenly Father.
I do not want to be that ugly fat girl anymore.
I am closing that pantry door. I am cutting those flaxen cords. I will not give Satan a tool to use against me.
I am the ugly fat girl, no more.
