I used to look at very fat people, even chubby people, and scoff. "How can they let themselves get like that?" I'd wonder.
I mean, I could always tell when I was putting on some weight, when I was starting to get a bit chubby. Then I'd work out harder, watch what I ate. I always knew that I loved food and sometimes would get a little 'thicker' but I knew what I needed to do to reign myself in and so I thought I could always control it.
I'd see the others, the one who did not reign it in, who did not control it, and I'd think they had failed somehow.
My mom was one of those. Mind you, she'd always been a chubby girl, but as a woman, she allowed herself to get fat. That's what I thought she'd done, anyway.
But now I find myself trapped inside this body that is not responding to my efforts to reign it in. I literally felt like I was in some sort of fun-mirror house, watching my body spread wider and wider while I bang on the mirrors from the other side. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. I couldn't escape the image in the mirror.
And then I just gave up. I slid down to the floor with my back to the mirror, and wrapped my arms around my knees. That's where I am today.
The girl on the outside is after gettin' fat. (Nova Scotia speak for "Gee, you're getting kind of fat, aren't you?") The girl on the inside has given up.
And that's how those fat women do it. They didn't just allow themselves to gain enormous amounts of weight. Rather, I think now, that something happened to them. Something trapped them inside of themselves, looking out, helpless to stop the gaining, helpless to get out.
So yep, I'm after gettin' fat. No water today, well, maybe two glasses. See? It's a small thing, but so hard for me. No binging per se, but I did eat till I was stuffed to the gills when we went out for dinner tonight. I have got to get myself recommitted to drinking my water. I need to break out of this fun-house. It's a lie, after all. It's not fun, at all. Food Feelings? ENTITLED, UNCONTROLLED.
