I know it sounds wildly crazy to admit out loud, but I have.
When I was a girl I thought about anorexia, but I liked food too much and the thought of shunning it altogether just wasn't going to happen for me. I hadn't heard about bulimia then, and the idea didn't occur to me on my own.
Later, I heard about it, and gave it a try. Yes, that's right, I tried several times to induce vomiting after a big meal. But I could never do it. I mean, I could do it, I just couldn't figure out how to make the vomit come.
I also tried going the stool softener route, but my poor bum couldn't handle it after a while.
All of this was many years ago, but still ... it lingers in my mind. It's still a part of me. It's still a part of my inner dialogue.
In a weird way I think the women/girls who have been able to follow through with their anorexic or bulimic behaviors have amazing willpower and self-control. They just used their powers for evil instead of for good.
*sigh* I guess I need to read some books by women who've been there. Like "A Future For Tomorrow" by Haley Hatch Freeman. Thing is,, I don't want to read about how someone survived their weight issues by doing this thing or that. I don't want a project. I don't want to be told how I can do it too. I just want to know I'm not alone, where I am right now.
Well, on that kind of melodramatic note, I'm here to tell you that I did drink my water today, but it was hard. Six glasses is hard for me. I might have to stick with six for a while before I try to do eight.
But for now, here's my reward for today:
I noticed an interesting food feeling today: ENTITLEMENT. I have no idea why, or where that came from, but that's definitely what I was feeling. Gonna have to explore that one some more and try to figure it out.
