Who Has the Power?

Not me.

I had an epiphany the other day. And it involved physical intimacy, or at least, that was the catalyst.

I often don't enjoy touching so much with my husband because I have far too much time to think about my fat, and I know he can feel it. How can he say I am beautiful, or that he loves me when he's touching me? It feels like a lie because I hate the fat, and how can he touch me and say he loves me, when he has to hate the fat too?

The other day, in a moment of unusual generosity, I let him touch me and tried to put myself in the moment, away from the negative thoughts. For a fleeting moment I had a feeling of POWER. I felt powerful. And I realized that that's the problem I'm having right now with food in my life. There's been a power shift, and I've given over my power to someone else - something else.  Food.

But when did I give up my power? How did I lose it? I think I know when it happened. I think I know why it happened. That was all part of my epiphany. But I'll have to tell you more about it another time.  That's my carrot to dangle in front of you so you can come back another time.

For today, I did much better on the water. I drank four glasses! Hurray! I even have a graphic for that one:

It's the start of a new week, but I'm going to stick with my six-glass baby step. I did four well, but I struggled with six, so I'm going to continue to work on it. Plus, with Christmas this week, there's no way I can do more than that. 

I ate quite a bit of sweets today, but I'm not sweating it too much. No food feelings, that I can identify today. I'm really happy with the water, so I'm going to celebrate that and not worry about anything else right now.

Sharing

As you can see, I'm sharing this blog with Kristi. She's an awesome, funny, real person who struggles with many of the same things as I do. I thought she might benefit from this journey too, and that maybe she might have something to offer you, that will help you too. 

And if there's anyone out there who would like to share your story of how you are struggling with overeating, or binging, feel free to email me your story and I'll post it on our blog.

I thought this blog was just all about me. And let me tell you, make no mistake, it still IS about me, lol. But I realize now, that it's about all of us. I realize now that I'm not alone, that there are many people out there struggling, just like I am. Just like Kristi, and you. Perhaps if we share, together we can overcome.

The Biggest Loser

I have never actually written on someone elses blog before. I love this. I love watching the Biggest Loser. The first episode I was sitting in my chair with a bag of doritos in my lap. I was watching these obese people get on the scale and I asked myself, "How on earth did they let themselves get that fat?" Huh...go figure as I am literally shoveling chips into my mouth by the hand full. I stopped what I was thinking and had to chuckle at the irony of the situation. I know exactly how they got into the position they are in. By doing exactly what I am doing in my life right now. By "not caring" about myself, or being "self-destructive" and eating and eating to fill some kind of void, and then beating myself up for it later. Who's the Biggest Loser now? I chant to myself.

So, do I get off my bum and exercise as I watch all the episodes of The Biggest Loser? Do I put away the snacks and crack down and take charge of my life? Nope...food controls me. How can that be? I don't know. What I do know is that I am looking forward to the next season of the Biggest Loser starting in January. Maybe I'll have some epiphany and change my life as I watch others change their life. Who am I kidding? We could all lose 100 pounds living on the Biggest Loser Ranch right?

So, You're After Gettin' Fat, Eh?

That's my Canadian-self showing itself for your snickering enjoyment. Not that you'd snicker at me, I know, but ... still, just in case.

I used to look at very fat people, even chubby people, and scoff. "How can they let themselves get like that?" I'd wonder.

I mean, I could always tell when I was putting on some weight, when I was starting to get a bit chubby. Then I'd work out harder, watch what I ate. I always knew that I loved food and sometimes would get a little 'thicker' but I knew what I needed to do to reign myself in and so I thought I could always control it.

I'd see the others, the one who did not reign it in, who did not control it, and I'd think they had failed somehow.

My mom was one of those. Mind you, she'd always been a chubby girl, but as a woman, she allowed herself to get fat. That's what I thought she'd done, anyway.

But now I find myself trapped inside this body that is not responding to my efforts to reign it in. I literally felt like I was in some sort of fun-mirror house, watching my body spread wider and wider while I bang on the mirrors from the other side. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. I couldn't escape the image in the mirror. 

And then I just gave up. I slid down to the floor with my back to the mirror, and wrapped my arms around my knees. That's where I am today.

The girl on the outside is after gettin' fat. (Nova Scotia speak for "Gee, you're getting kind of fat, aren't you?") The girl on the inside has given up.

And that's how those fat women do it. They didn't just allow themselves to gain enormous amounts of weight. Rather, I think now, that something happened to them. Something trapped them inside of themselves, looking out, helpless to stop the gaining, helpless to get out. 

So yep, I'm after gettin' fat. No water today, well, maybe two glasses. See? It's a small thing, but so hard for me. No binging per se, but I did eat till I was stuffed to the gills when we went out for dinner tonight. I have got to get myself recommitted to drinking my water. I need to break out of this fun-house. It's a lie, after all. It's not fun, at all. Food Feelings? ENTITLED, UNCONTROLLED.

Uh Oh ... My Good Intentions are Failing ...

Another bad water day. I don't know about the food. Not too bad, I guess. I think I'm going to check out some books, like the one Jeri recommended, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman. 

Jeri wrote in the comment trail: 

"It has a "script" in it that you use to "process negative emotions." While I am not 100% sold on everything in the book, I have found the script somewhat helpful. I'd be REALLY interested to see if "scripting" the emotions curbed the need to "eat" them."

My local library has it checked out at the moment, so I put it on hold. I think it's time to get some more input or ideas as to what's going on in my messed up brain.

So, I only got two glasses of water in today. There's no excuse for that - tomorrow I WILL do better.

No real food feelings today - I was busy enough that I didn't really get any time to hang out with food at all, I just ate what and when everyone else was eating.

Whatever

This has been a whatever day. 

It didn't start out that way. It started out fine. But, somewhere along the way, it took a dark turn.

That family trouble I told you about the other day? It got a little yuckier today and I think that was when I turned down the broken road. My dog ate all the cookies I had made to make me feel better.

I should be grateful, right? But instead it made me really, really ANGRY.

I did not drink my water. I think I got three glasses in today. 

Food feelings?  First, strangley (the family stuff triggered ... ) FEAR, then I felt APATATHETIC, and now I just feel ANGRY. 

Hello, Bulimia, come on in ...

Have you ever wished you had an eating disorder? Like the kind that actually made you get smaller?

I know it sounds wildly crazy to admit out loud, but I have.

When I was a girl I thought about anorexia, but I liked food too much and the thought of shunning it altogether just wasn't going to happen for me. I hadn't heard about bulimia then, and the idea didn't occur to me on my own.

Later, I heard about it, and gave it a try. Yes, that's right, I tried several times to induce vomiting after a big meal. But I could never do it. I mean, I could do it, I just couldn't figure out how to make the vomit come. 

I also tried going the stool softener route, but my poor bum couldn't handle it after a while. 

All of this was many years ago, but still ... it lingers in my mind. It's still a part of me. It's still a part of my inner dialogue.

In a weird way I think the women/girls who have been able to follow through with their anorexic or bulimic behaviors have amazing willpower and self-control. They just used their powers for evil instead of for good.

*sigh* I guess I need to read some books by women who've been there. Like "A Future For Tomorrow" by Haley Hatch Freeman. Thing is,, I don't want to read about how someone survived their weight issues by doing this thing or that. I don't want a project. I don't want to be told how I can do it too. I just want to know I'm not alone, where I am right now.

Well, on that kind of melodramatic note, I'm here to tell you that I did drink my water today, but it was hard. Six glasses is hard for me. I might have to stick with six for a while before I try to do eight. 

But for now, here's my reward for today:

I noticed an interesting food feeling today: ENTITLEMENT. I have no idea why, or where that came from, but that's definitely what I was feeling. Gonna have to explore that one some more and try to figure it out.

The Benefits of Tight Pants

• Because they're so tight, you have to get up and move around fairly often or else you're circulation gets cut off - leading to more exercise.
• They act like a girdle, making you look like you're five pounds lighter than you really are - never mind that you think you can't breathe.
• And because you feel like you feel like you might throw up from the super-tight waist band, you might not eat quite so much.

So resist those lazy-girl pants - you know the ones. The ones with the stretchy waist band? The comfy ones that let you all hang out? Yeah, don't do it! Resist! Those tight jeans are terribly uncomfortable, I know, but think of them as your life-line ... the last barrier between you and the next size up.

At least, that's what I've been telling myself all day long as I've been squishing around in my getting-too-tight jeans. 

I nearly didn't make my water goal today, but I did.

However, I did eat, eat, and eat. Oh, about a half a bag of Doritos in a t.v.-watching stupor, later, a whole tube of Townhouse crackers and then, in an effort to do something healthy-ish, and craving something sweet, I had a cottage cheese bowl with strawberry. Blech. 

Not 'blech' the cottage cheese, just ... blech. I'm full, unhappy with myself and, in my too-tight-jeans, uncomfortable. I need my plaid flannel jammies.

My food feelings today? FRUSTRATED, because my day wasn't going the way I needed/wanted it to go; BORED, because we were watching t.v. and, well, bored. Now? SORRY.

Can't ... Stop ... Thinking ... About ... Food ...

Or at least, that's how I usually feel.

On every diet, and during every post-diet binge, (or mid-diet binge, as the case might be) I canNOT stop thinking about food. What I'm eating, what I'm

 not eating. Hating it, loving it, didn't matter, I still wanted it to go into my mouth. I jealously watched other people ate too. Make food off-limits, and I'm all over it. My food feeling? OBSESSED.

After a couple weeks of strictly NOT dieting, I'm finally coming to a point where I am enjoying food again. What an amazing relief. I've always loved food, the way it tastes, it's smell, even the way it looks. I love food. I want to eat it. The super nifty thing about the changes I'm experiencing is that I am just beginning to enjoy food again. It's wonderful. Hurray!

And, amazingly, when food is not consuming my every waking thought - when I'm going to eat again, what I'm going to eat again, can I do it, no I can't, ahhh ... must have junk food, hurry, stuff, stuff, stuff, *gasp* - I don't seem to need to eat quite so much.

There are no rules as to what I can eat or when I can eat it. I can just enjoy food again. Ahhhh ... (picture me sinking into a warm, soft bubble bath, that's how this feels - a release of the most sublime kind.)

So, there has, once again, been no binging today. I still didn't eat great, I know, but I'm beginning to think I might actually get there. Just perhaps by my own meandering route. Still, I think if I take my time, I'll want to stay once I get there.

About my baby steps for today. I had planned to up the water ante to six glasses a day, and add exercise three times a week. But I began to feel pressured and scared about the exercise, certain I would fail. So, it's not a goal, after all. 

However, I did exercise today! I thought, maybe three or five minutes on the elliptical. But I did ten! Might not sound like much to you, but seriously? I'm sooo out of shape. So I am thrilled with ten. I'm going to put exercise as a possibility for me throughout the week. If I do it, great, if I don't, I won't sweat it. It is not a goal, and because of that, I will not be disappointed in myself if I don't exercise at all for the rest of the week.

The one and only goal I did set for myself this week was to drink six glasses of water today, which I did without any problem. 

I thought of another baby step to add to my list too. To not eat after 7:00 p.m. That would be a good one. 

Wanna Know What I Ate today? (and let my kids eat?)

I had toast with margarine and peanut butter and hot chocolate for breakfast.

We all had waffles and syrup with milk for lunch, or rather, linner since it was like four o'clock in the afternoon.

We had cookies and pop for dinner. Yep, you read that right ... cookies and pop.

It was just that kind of day. A day that screamed for comfort food and Mommy. Except, my cupboards were bare and my Mommy has long since left this world so ... I gave myself what counted as comfort food, and took the day off of mommy-hood myself. Although, I think I scored some major mommy-points with my kids, lol.

My food feelings today were TIRED, and, not sure how to say it ... ESCAPIST? Is that even a word? You know what I mean, right? I wanted to take the day off of life, to run away, just for the day.

BUT I did get my four glasses in AND I think I'll start wtih some new goals tomorrow.

A Heavy Burden

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy. 

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here. 

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden. 

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts  of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food. 

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

• work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
• add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
• get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.  

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Super Late ...

So this'll be just a quickie.

Day Three of the Four-Glass Challenge and I did it ... AGAIN!!!

But I've just GOT to tell you the good news: My rings and watch were slightly looser today. MUCH more comfortable. It's got to be the water. If that's what four glasses'll do, I wonder what eight glasses will do? Hmm ...

I ate pretty darn good today. Skinny Man and I actually went on a date and I did not eat the whole large popcorn! Hurray for me! Usually he eats this dainty amount, like an inch's worth, while I eat all the way down the crumbs at the bottom. But tonight, I was the one who stopped first.

But then I was so surprised by my behavior that a few minutes later I dipped in again. But I didn't enjoy it as much and only ate a couple more handfuls before throwing in the towel for good. I really didn't want it. Surprise! When we threw out the box, there was more than half of the popcorn still in there. A HUGE accomplishment for me.

My mantra continued to work well for me today. I'd like to post more about that, but for tonight, I'll just repeat it one more time: 

I am Beautiful, Healthy, and Happy.

Switching Things Up ` Day Two of the Four-Glass Challenge

Ta Da! I did it again! Hurray!

I've eaten like a pregnant woman carrying septuplets, but hey, at least I drank my four glasses of water :) And I'm not even knocking the fact that I'm only drinking four glasses instead of the recommended eight. It's more than i was drinking and that, my friends, is success.

Last night I had a thought: I should check out a book I read earlier in the year "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmsetter. A girl I met at karate suggested this book. She said it had changed her life. It was like magic. A miracle.

I read the book with an open mind. I could definitely see how it could help and bless your life. But I just didn't feel like putting in the effort to make it work. Plus, no one has tape cassettes anymore and all that jazz. 

But last night it occurred to me that I had a digital voice recorder. It's tiny and is easily portable. Heck, my phone has a voice recorder in it. If I need some positive affirmations, I can put them on it. I can listen to them (the affirmations) whenever and wherever I want.

I'm gonna give it a try. What's wrong with me is manifesting itself as a physical problem, but it's an internal one, really. I think if I can change my inner dialogue, I'll definitely be further ahead in the game.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt HAPPY. And the mantra that was going through my head, for the first time in a long, long time ... maybe even ever ... was "I'm Beautiful, Healthy and Happy." 

I've felt pretty darn good all day. Despite the extra helpings of Christmas goodies.

Day Six ~ I made a goal and I met it!

I'm breaking it down to the basics. Drink my water.

My goal for today ... just four glasses. Not the entire amount I'm supposed to get, but hey, it's a start. And remember, on the past days I've jounralled here, I've barely drunk one, let alone four. So for one week, I am challenging myself to drink four glasses of water a day. And guess what? I made my goal! Hurray!

As for eating, I've been a bit of a garbage can today. Cleaning up the kitchen, I find a chocolate here, a cookie there, and instead of putting them away, I eat them. 

I remember back when I was first married and struggling with a little post-wedding-day weight gain. My Aunt Jean, an incredible wise woman who counselled men and women with eating disorders, what I could do. She suggested gauging my hunger on a scale of 1-10. One was starving, while ten was so full you would burst. I don't remember the details right now. 

What I do remember is how she said that anything else we eat, past that happy, satisfied feeling (around a 7 on her scale) was just garbage. And she looked at me and said "Do you want it to be garbage in the can, or garbage in your body? Are YOU a garbage can?" I was shocked, and of course I said "No way!"

I'm sad to say that today, I am a garbage can. My feeling as I'm hoovering up the kitchen and throwing stuff away into my stomach? DISGUST and WORTHLESSNESS.

But I did drink my four glasses of water, darn it!

Day Five and Can God Help Me?

You might be thinking my only intent is to write about my eating habits, but not to make any changes or to try to fix my problem. That's not it at all. I'm just here because I needed to take stock of where I was, why I continued to gain weight instead of losing, and why each diet or weight-loss effort I made set me back further in my efforts.

I've tried Weight Watchers in person (you know, where you go to the weekly meetings and keep a little notebook). I followed the rules and stayed within my points carefully for about seven weeks but didn't lose a single pound. My ounces fluctuated, but I didn't actually lose any pounds. 

At that time I went to see a doctor to find out why I couldn't lose weight. Turned out they said I was pre-diabetic and because my body wasn't using insulin properly, my body was retaining fat. They put me on the South Beach diet.

I followed that religiously for four months. I lost five pounds. I liked how I felt, but the diet was hard and the holidays came. I became frustrated trying to follow the diet during that time and became resentful of the meager weight loss. I gave in and binged like a maniac. And that's pretty much where I stayed for another eight months ... no diet, no real care taken for my health.

Then I had my check up with my Gyn. I had a total hysterectomy of June of 2007. Yes, it's been since then since I've really not been able to control my weight. But I'm not sure if it's had anything to do with my huge weight gain or state of mind or what. Anyway, my Gyn. said I really ought to go back on Weight Watchers because it has the best long-term success rate. 

I immediately enrolled again, though this time I went online, and have been keeping track of my points and 'trying' again. Except each week since I started (four months or so now) I would do great for about four days or so, then I would go over my points, or nearly, and then I would feel like I just couldn't stay within my points, so I would throw in the towel. I became resentful and would binge every weekend. And that's been my nasty cycle pretty much every week.

So that brought me to where I am now. I was trying to get my water in, my veggies, my dairy, and stay within my points, AND exercise. That's a lot to ask of a girl who wasn't doing anything right before. 

And that's when I prayed for help. I am a very religious person and love Heavenly Father, but for some reason I hadn't turned to Him for help. But I have a friend who had struggled for weight for a long time who finally lost his weight when he asked Heavenly Father for help. 

I felt that i needed to break my weight loss efforts down. First, buy a fun small plate to help me reduce my portion sizes. I've been doing that, but I'm not sure how much it's helping me. Then, concentrate in drinking enough water. I've been totally stinking at the water thing.  Move a little more. Ahh, nope.

Will He help me if I don't help myself? I don't think so. I don't think He can. Or should, really. These are the things I felt prompted to do, and I haven't done a good job at them. It's been two months or so since I felt I should do these things. 

I think I've been crying in my soup for the past week and unfortunately, you've been my victims. But I really ought to try harder. Just ... TRY.

So for today? I did well for most of it, until two things happened: 1) I found myself alone (everyone was out) and 2) I got some very disturbing and stressful news. 

My cravings for sweets skyrocketed from there and I ate about five cookies. Just pacing the floor, stressing out, stuffing cookies in my face. Argh.

And again, maybe not even a glass of water today. It's not like I'm downing tons of pop, either. I usually have one caffeine-free diet Coke at the end of each day, but otherwise I don't drink pop (unless we go out to eat which we don't do every day.) With other meals I have water or sometimes milk. I don't drink anything in between unless it's water. Guess I just haven't been drinking anything really at all. No wonder I've been having a lot of headaches lately.

So, I'm really going to TRY. Just drink my darn water tomorrow. Come on, it can't be that hard, can it? Really?

Day Four

Other than having a Big Mac combo for dinner today for lunch today, this has been a good day and I have been a good day. 

Sorry, I started this blog and ya'll probably expected some serious binging behavior to relate to, and here I'm having good days. But this is how it goes for me ... good followed by bad. 

But here's the thing, I've gained almost thirty pounds during this past year alone. I'm only 5'2 and should weight between 100-135 lbs or something like that. Personally, I like myself at 130. But right now, I weight about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my twins.

Oh, and before you go thinking I am justified to weigh that much after having twins, I was back to 130 and wearing my size 6 jeans just ten months after the boys were born. Go figure. I think it was the nursing that helped me there though ;)

So, good day for me. Hurray! I still only drank about one glass of water today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot for TWO. Woo! Go Marge!

Day Three

Today was mostly a good day ... Again, family around me, doing family stuff, and not any time really to sneak off and eat. I felt full most of the day anyway. Except, there were cookies - lots of cookies.

I didn't think I would have anything at all to post today until it became late.  I hit my 'have-to-go-to-bed-now' spot right around 10:00, but I still had a lot to do. 

An hour and a half later I am finally ready to head uip to bed, but have eatern four more cookies just while I was cleaning up the kitchen. I eat them behind my husband's back, so he can't see me. I don't offer him one, because then I'll have to admit I'm eating one (or two, or three or four). It's not that I don't want to share (thought sometimes that IS it) - just this time, I didn't want to be seen. 

So now, again, I'm going to bed feeling full and really fat. I guess the food feeling tonight was TIRED.

Day Two

Today has been a good day, with no bad eating.

Partly, it's becasue I haven't been alone all day, so there hasn't been a chance to sneak food or to crave it, really. I've felt loved and happy with my family. All is well. 

Although we went to Red Robin for dinner and I ate everything on my plate (huge hamburger, huge steak fries). Pretty much no water at all. Oh well, I'm happy at least that I had a day that I can't feel too ashamed of.

11:40 p.m.

Scratch that. I did the late-night-eating-thing and it wasn't veggies and dip, if you know what I mean. It wasn't too bad, as in, it wasn't a full-on binge. But still, I'm going to bed with my tummy full and a disappointed feeling. 

I was a little hungry (we had dinner early)  which started the eating, but when I didn't stop at full, my feelings were probably PLEASURE. I liked what I was eating (wheat thins and cream cheese) and didn't want a handful of them to be all I got. I wanted lots. 

The First Day ...

3:30 p.m.

I usually start the day out alright. I love Fiber One's Honey Bunches of Oats so I always have that for breakfast and I like it. So I'm going along feeling fine, not hungry, not snacking (not drinking water either, but that's a whole 'nother issue).

Until the boys ask for lunch.

"Lunch?" I asked, surprised. I mean, I'm not hungry, are they really hungry? What time is it anyway? Is it really lunch time? Wow. 

Ok, so I head to the kitchen to scrounge up something for lunch. In the fridge is left over pizza from earlier this week. The boys don't want it for lunch. But I'm feeling lazy and bored with my food choices so I pull it out of the fridge and start munching on it while I look for something to feed the guys.

There were three pizzas in the fridge, but by the time I've finished making the boys roast beef sandwiches, I've eaten all three. Didn't I say I wasn't hungry? Huh. 

I ate the pizza cold and without a drop of water or milk or anything to drink. I'm sure that can't be good. I don't care. Now I feel yucky and like I didn't really enjoy my lunch and like I need something else to make my lunch better.

So I have a piece of chocolate. Then another. And another.

I did manage to get in two glasses of water between 8:00 this morning and 3:30 this afternoon. But I'm aiming for EIGHT. Argh.

My feelings when I started eating were LAZY and BORED. 

9:00 p.m.

Again, at dinner time, I was not hungry, but I ate. I ate a big meal, everything on my plate. Two feelings: RESIGNED and ANGRY.

Resigned because of course I'm going to eat it all. Of course it's too much. Of course my stomach will hurt from being filled too much. Of course.

Angry because of all of the above. I think there's something else there, but I'm not sure what. Angry at myself for not taking more control of myself? I'm not sure. Probably that.

And here's another thing ... when I've eaten a meal, I feel like I want, that I NEED to keep eating. It doesn't matter how much I've eaten or whether I'm full or empty. What matters, is that I eat. Eat, eat, and eat. So I had some more chocolate. I'm only talkin' the mini bars here, but still, I had three of them. 

Another feeling: SHAME. I don't want people to see me eat, especially the treats. I stand behind the pantry door to eat them. Tonight the boys and I were watching a movie and I had a bag of chocolates (given by a neighbor as a Christmas gift) that I brought down to share with them. But I was glad they had their faces turned toward the TV and didn't see that I ate twice as many chcolates as them.

They can leave their food if they are full. They can stop at one chocolate if they're sweet tooth has been satisfied.  Will I ever have that kind of control over my eating? I hope so.

Why I'm Here

This blog is not for you. It's for me. Except, I don't really like writing for me, it helps when I think someone is reading what I'm writing ... and that's why I'm here.

I have an eating problem. I don't know what kind of problem it is, but it's a problem nonetheless. I think, from the reading I've done, that it's binge eating. I have all sorts of feelings about what I'm doing, but I'm not sure if I'm 'eating my feelings' or not.  

I've tried dieting and like a lot of people, my issues with food are just getting worse and I've gained a ton of weight. I know, logically, that I'm not alone, but I sure feel alone. 

I decided, after researching what was going on with me, that I needed to write what I felt when I was eating. So I tried to keep a journal, but I hate writing by hand (can't write as fast as I think) and it really helps to write in a public forum. 

At least for the moment I'm not linking this blog to my other blogs. I'm not sure I'm ready for people who know me to know the real me, ya know? For now, you can call me Marge, because my Mom was Marg and people sometimes called her Large Marge when she was a girl.  Because I can relate, I'll be Large Marge too.