I'm looking at Alma 26: 11-12 tonight. It's late and I ought to be going to bed, but . . . I just wanted to read this scripture and ponder it for a minute. My bed is empty anyway :(
11. But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
It's funny, I had never before tonight considered this scripture in relation to my actual weaknesses. I had always thought of it as a scripture dealing with pride. Ammon was not prideful, because he knew to Whom he had to look for the blessings he had received. I didn't realize that he's also saying that he himself was weak, and without God's help, he could not have done the things he did.
Do you see the difference?
In the one instance you have a person who has done great things and you think "Wow, that guy has it all together," when in reality, that person is thinking "I couldn't have done this without God's help."
On the other hand, there's a person who's weak and "poor in spirit" as the topical guide reference for "nothing" says, and looks at the task he's been called to do and thinks, "Man, there is no way I can do this." Like Jonah, this person might think he should just run away, give up, surrender, because it's impossible for him to climb the mountain placed before him.
I always thought Ammon was the first guy. The I-can-do-it guy. I'm blown away at the idea that he was in fact the poor-in-spirit-guy and that maybe he doubted himself.
I'm a doubter too. I am poor in spirit too.
I know God can help people, and does help them. I know He has helped me in the past too. I just think, sometimes, that He won't.
That sounds crazy, I'm sure, because I would also say that I know He loves me. So if He loves me, why wouldn't He help me?
Why? Oh, probablly because I never ask?
Somehow, I think that's an important step.
My patriarchal blessing is relatively short compared to the few others I've had the priviledge of reading. It also blesses me with "happiness and joy" seventeen times. In addition, it says that "I will cause you to know that Jesus is the Christ, every day of your life."
If you know - I mean really know - that Jesus is the Christ, your personal Lord and Savior, every day of your life, you will, by extension, have happiness and joy. You will also, I believe, have happiness and joy because of that knowledge.
So why am I not claiming this blessing?
I desire to rejoice in my God. I do. If it were my child who needed help, I would ask, for him. I would go to the ends of the earth to find the help that he needed. Why then, do I treat myself so poorly? Why do I value myself so little that I can't find the strenght or the courage to ask for help for myself?
God loves me. I do believe that. He would want to help me, as I would want to help my child. Except in this case, He can't help me if I don't ask. It's like I'm a rebellious teenager, with my door shut and locked while my parent stands on the other side begging to be let in. "No," I cry. "You can't see me like this!" Except any good parent - and He is the best - loves us even at our worst. Even with tear streaked cheeks, blotchy skin, and chocolate smeared lips.
Tonight I'm going to open that door. I'm going to ask for help. Because, without Him, I am nothing. But with Him . . . well, who knows.
