Big Macs. Water, or no water. Chocolate Brownies.

And that about sums up where I'm at.

There is not a single piece of fruit or vegetable in my house.

I was mad at my dog for eating half the pan of brownies NOT because he ate them and that was super naughty of him. No, I was mad at him because then *I* didn't get eat them.

BUT Skinny Man got home today, a whole day and a half earlier than expected so I'm a happy girl again. Maybe now I'll eat a bit better and take better care. It's a happy thought, anyway.

Sorry this isn't much of an update, but there it is. I'm still struggling. In general I am drinking more water than I did when I first started this blog. Then, like Kristi, I was lucky to get in ONE glass. Now I regularly drink four, give or take one. I still haven't been able to drink six regularly.

I've been going to karate pretty regularly and I eat better when I'm exercising. I feel better about myself and feel that burning need for filling a little less. But I still snuck a handful of chocolate kisses while my hubby wasn't looking and stuffed them in my mouth.

A work in progress, that's for sure.

I Am Weak. But I Am Not Alone.

I have not been doing too badly since Skinny Man left town. Except, I've discovered the joys of mini M&M's and since we still had half a bag left over from Christmas treats, I've been discovering them a lot. It's not their flavor so much as the very satisfying crunch of their tiny size. See, now I'm thinking of them and diving for the last little package I have left. *sigh*

I'm looking at Alma 26: 11-12 tonight. It's late and I ought to be going to bed, but . . . I just wanted to read this scripture and ponder it for a minute. My bed is empty anyway :(

11. But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

12. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

It's funny, I had never before tonight considered this scripture in relation to my actual weaknesses. I had always thought of it as a scripture dealing with pride. Ammon was not prideful, because he knew to Whom he had to look for the blessings he had received. I didn't realize that he's also saying that he himself was weak, and without God's help, he could not have done the things he did.

Do you see the difference?

In the one instance you have a person who has done great things and you think "Wow, that guy has it all together," when in reality, that person is thinking "I couldn't have done this without God's help."

On the other hand, there's a person who's weak and "poor in spirit" as the topical guide reference for "nothing" says, and looks at the task he's been called to do and thinks, "Man, there is no way I can do this." Like Jonah, this person might think he should just run away, give up, surrender, because it's impossible for him to climb the mountain placed before him.

I always thought Ammon was the first guy. The I-can-do-it guy. I'm blown away at the idea that he was in fact the poor-in-spirit-guy and that maybe he doubted himself. 

I'm a doubter too. I am poor in spirit too. 

I know God can help people, and does help them. I know He has helped me in the past too. I just think, sometimes, that He won't. 

That sounds crazy, I'm sure, because I would also say that I know He loves me. So if He loves me, why wouldn't He help me? 

Why? Oh, probablly because I never ask? 

Somehow, I think that's an important step.

My patriarchal blessing is relatively short compared to the few others I've had the priviledge of reading. It also blesses me with "happiness and joy" seventeen times. In addition, it says that "I will cause you to know that Jesus is the Christ, every day of your life."

If you know - I mean really know - that Jesus is the Christ, your personal Lord and Savior, every day of your life, you will, by extension, have happiness and joy. You will also, I believe, have happiness and joy because of that knowledge.

So why am I not claiming this blessing? 

I desire to rejoice in my God. I do. If it were my child who needed help, I would ask, for him. I would go to the ends of the earth to find the help that he needed. Why then, do I treat myself so poorly? Why do I value myself so little that I can't find the strenght or the courage to ask for help for myself? 

God loves me. I do believe that. He would want to help me, as I would want to help my child. Except in this case, He can't help me if I don't ask. It's like I'm a rebellious teenager, with my door shut and locked while my parent stands on the other side begging to be let in. "No," I cry. "You can't see me like this!" Except any good parent - and He is the best - loves us even at our worst. Even with tear streaked cheeks, blotchy skin, and chocolate smeared lips. 

Tonight I'm going to open that door. I'm going to ask for help. Because, without Him, I am nothing. But with Him . . . well, who knows.

Typical Performance ~ It's All About Being Honest

I was feeling guilty for my few readers here, that I hadn't posted anything in a while. And then I realized, hey, it's me. What else can you expect? Especially when it comes to food and my resolutions therein. I have no willpower. Haven't we covered that already?

Still, I said that I wanted to work on the Church's twelve step program, one issue or topic per month. This month is almost over and I've only managed to closely look at one of the twelve scriptures or talks that the Church recommends.

So I'm going to post them here so that you can take control over your own life, even if I am unable to control myself. I'm hoping to look at these before months' end, but I've learned to set my expectations low, especially when it comes to myself.

The Church recommends that we examine Honesty with relation to our food addiction, and suggests that, in addition to the Flaxen Cords (2 Nephi 26:22), the following resources can be helpful:

• I Am Weak ~ Alma 26:11-12
• Passion Unbridled~ 3 Nephi 12:30
• Pride ~ Alma 38:12
• God's Authority ~ Helaman 12:6
• Temptations ~ 2 Nephi 4:18-21
• "Addiction or Freedom" ~ Ensign, November 1988, 6
• Man is Nothing ~ Moses 1:10
• Hunger and Thirst ~ Enos 1:4
• "We Believe In Being Honest" ~ Ensign, October 1990, 2
• Compelled To Be Humble ~ Alma 32:13
• The Lord's Delight ~ Proverbs 12:22

Skinny Man is heading out of town this week and after reading this list, I really want to read these scriptures and articles and apply them to my life. I know I'll feel better if let Heavenly Father help me. Maybe while he's gone, I'll try to read them and meditate on them.

Then again, maybe I won't. I said, no promises, right?

One Glass Wonder

Well, I am officially the "One glass Wonder". What does that mean? It means that I have successfully drank a single glass of water every day since my post. AND, a couple of days I drank two. Wow. Sometimes it is hard to deal with my own awesomeness. I am currently rewarding myself with a truckload of mint truffles. You do whatcha gotta do. Heaven forbid I actually get ahead of the game. :) Just thought I'd share the water love. Sharing is caring right?

Who's Got the Power? or The Devil Made Me Do It

I haven't been doing what I said I would do. But really, how is that news? When it comes to caring for myself, I'm a rotten liar and serious slacker. I can't be trusted.

I have, however, gone to karate twice this week. But that in no way excuses me because I've eaten my weight in chocolate and pretzels, I think.

But, I said, I was going to work through the Church's twelve step program for addiction and I'd better get going because they have a lot of scriptures for us to cover. 

To reiterate, the first step is:

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable.

The Church calls this first step, 

Honesty.

The first scripture they recommend is 2Nephi 26:22:

And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Do you know what a flaxen cord is? It's a silky, golden rope made from a plant with delicate flowers. It's appearance would appear benign, it's texture soft and luxurious, it would slip around your neck and it would be desirable.

One string of flax is weak. A few are still weak. But many, bound together, are terribly strong and are virtually unbreakable. It's been used as a hangman's noose.

So the devil slips a flaxen cord about our necks and pulls us down into hell. For an addict, that cord is easy to create, easy to slip into place. The devil simply needs to figure out what is most desirous to us, what flaxen cord would we bend our necks for, inviting its silky softness against your tender skin.

For me, and, likely for you too, it's food. Imagine it: soft and smooth, it melts in our mouths like heaven itself. Chocolate. Or salty and crunchy we can munch and crunch it and exert all our feelings into the punch of each crunch. 

But with each and every bite beyond what is healthy and good for us, we are allowing ourselves to be drawn down into hell. 

We think it is our own personal hell, that we alone created it for ourselves. We think that because then we are free to punish ourselves for being so very bad. 

But in all honesty, we are nothing. We are weak. It is the devil who has the power to deceive. It is him who desires to trap us by our own choices. We have bowed our necks so the flaxen cord can be slipped in place. However, it is the devil who holds the cord.

Recognizing that the devil holds the power, not you, that it is him who plots your destruction using your addiction as the weapon, will free you to fire up some good old righteous indignation.

You no longer need to punish yourself for being a bad, bad over-eater-person. Put the blame where it belongs. And get that cord off your neck.

At least ... that's what this verse says to me. What do you think?

To Drink, or Not to Drink?

To Drink, or not to Drink? That is the question now isn't it. I have such an issue with drinking water. I absolutely detest drinking the nasty stuff, and I always have. I will drink it if there is nothing else to drink. People say, "Add a fresh lemon to it...it's so refreshing". Um...without the 1/2 cup of sugar? You have got to be kidding me. I can down a pitcher of lemonade in a heartbeat. Give me a cherry Pepsi (I know...I am SO evil! I am not nursing now, so in the past week I have done some serious damage!) and I can gulp it down in two minutes. Any sort of beverage with sugar in it, I can drink it lickity split. I know the health benefits of drinking water. I took all the health and anatomy classes. I went to massage school for crying out loud where a lot of the courses were on nutrition for the "whole" body healing. I know all that stuff, but I can't get myself to do it. And I know that without the water intake, I will never lose any weight, or be healthy.

When I read Ali's daily water intake struggle I realized that I am not the only one who battles this issue. It seems like such a simple thing...drink water, yet we have to make a conscious effort to do it. So.... What to do? Am I going to commit and drink some water? I am. I am going to commit to one glass a day. Hey...better start slow or I'll never accomplish it. I always tend to go overboard starting anything new. My "old" me would go to Walmart and buy a gallon size water bottle, fill it up first thing in the morning, then by 10:00 am realize that I am never going to finish that bad boy. Ever. Or drink so much in such a short time to accomplish the goal that I am water logged and want to die. Defeat. So...One cup it is. Look out America, Kristi is breakin out the water glass. If I am really living large, I'll drink two. OH yeah.

The Twelve Steps of Recovery

I've long known that I can't do this alone. My problems with food, with my weight, is way beyond my ability to fix on my own. I need help.

I read an excellent blog the other day in which a woman related to Moses 1:10 where Moses comes to realize he is nothing in the sight of God. Not nothing in that we mean nothing, but nothing as in we can do nothing without His help.

This is where my blog is going to take a religious tone, so please feel free to exit the building if it's not to your liking.

I am a Latter Day Saint. I recently discovered that my church has an addiction recovery program, and that they treat compulsive eating in addition to the more obvious addictions. A friend of mine who is a counselor in the program (and has no idea that I needed this information for myself,) provided me with the program's pamphlet. 

I'm going to work on the twelve steps of the program over the next twelve months and will dedicate a post or two to the steps each month. The LDS program is based on the alcoholics anonymous twelve-step program, but is customized to our faith.

The first step is to,

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable.

Step one focuses on honesty. To be honest with myself, with God and with those around me. I have a problem with overeating. I created the problem, but I cannot fix it on my own. 

I have told my husband. I have told Heavenly Father. I have asked for help from both of them. I am on my way.

Am I A Compulsive Eater?

Like Kristi, I checked out Overeaters Anonymous before I started this blog. I was looking for answers - any answers. I didn't want to commit to a whole group-thang, so I passed on that, and I didn't notice the questions that Kristi mentioned about whether or not OA was for you. So I went back there the other day and answered the questions. 

All I can say is, WOW. 

These are the questions, lifted off of the Overeaters Anonymous website, to find out if you are a compulsive eater: 

 1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Umm ... yes. Is that a problem? In fact, I'm not sure I ever eat when I am actually hungry - at least, not if I can help it.

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

Yes. That's why I'm here. I manage my eating perhaps 80% of the time, but there's that pesky 20% when I can't get enough. 

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

Pretty much all the time, because either I'm eating the wrong stuff, too much stuff, or I'm wishing it was something better tasting.

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

I think about food pretty much all of the time. What I will eat next, when, where. All the time.

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

Yes! This is my favorite reason for my hubby to go on business trips, which I otherwise hate. When he's gone, I don't have to feel guilty (or at least, I don't have to be SEEN) when I have my late-night pig-outs.

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

YES! I dream of when he's away, or when the kids are out of the house so I can eat that last chocolate bar, or spoonfuls of peanut butter.

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

Absolutely. I'm the picture of health. Other people have no idea what I eat (or how much) behind their backs. 

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

Perhaps not so much yet. Although, my friends want me to go walking with them in the mornings, but I can't keep up with them, so I miss out on that. And I would like to be able to go sledding with my boys and other stuff like that, but I don't dare.

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

Oh yeah. Every single time. I am totally afraid of diets now because they always end in failure.

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?

Yeah, that and when they are full of ideas as to what will work for me, or the "you just need to ..." advice. I've BTDT and NONE of it has worked.

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

I'm getting over that, but otherwise, I would have said yes. Up until maybe two or three months ago, I totally thought that if I really did just TRY harder, I would and could lose weight. Now I'm just totally discouraged and think maybe I never, ever will lose this weight.

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

Yes. Mostly in the mid-afternoon when I wish I could have privacy for half an hour to eat alone - and whatever I want, and in the late evenings.

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

Absolutely. There's this commercial for Paul Blart - Mall Cop where they guy is having a piece of pie and smearing it with peanut butter after he has failed the police officer test for the umpteenth time. He says "Pie, it just fills the cracks of your heart." Yup, I totally get that.

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? 

No. But I think mainly because I haven't ever told anyone about my secret eating habits. I'm quite sure I have what's called "binge-eating disorder".

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Yes. Here's my biggest guilty admission: I've eaten treats my boys were looking forward to eating and blamed it on the dog.

So it's clear I have an eating problem. But I'm hoping that coming clean with my behavior, pulling back the curtain, so to speak, will help me heal those cracks in my heart - NOT with pie, but with truth and love for myself.

A New Year. A New Me?

Is it possible? Could it be? 

I'm always full of hope at the start of a new year. I feel strong, and hopeful, and courageous. I can do it (anything!)!! 

I haven't been posting for the past two weeks because I've been surrounded by family, enjoying the holidays. But I've never once stopped thinking about food or about how I look/feel. 

I'm back now, armed with a few new ideas.

During the holidays I practiced standing up straight. Pulling my shoulderblades back and lifting my chest. It's a little hard on the back at first, because that lower back isn't used to supporting my weight, only my poor over-worked shoulders and chest muscles. But I look better when I'm standing up straight and a strange thing happens ... I feel more confident.

I'm a fan of Flylady and get her emails daily. Today I got an email from Leslie, a.k.a. Mrs. Smarty Pants, that confirmed my recent train of thoughts:

Dear Friends,

With the start of 2009 we are full of hope and promise for the New
Year. Whether we set a New Year's resolution or not, we all secretly
wish to do better than in we did in the previous year.

If you want to improve your health, lose weight, manage your life or
finances better than last year, I believe you need to feel better
about yourself FIRST.

To make our goals (or resolutions) attainable, we should feel
confident about ourselves and only set goals that are truly realistic.
This means taking baby steps to improve yourself instead of attempting
gigantic leaps.

I see way too many women vow to lose (a set number of pounds they
think they need to lose) at the start of the New Year. They may or may
not attain this number goal, but usually gain it back again. Don't do
this!

Start feeling better about yourself today! When you dress for your
body type and take care of yourself, your confidence will soar! Just
think of what you can attain when you are more self-assured and
positive? You can improve yourself when your attitude is more optimistic.

Begin by updating your style. Wear styles that are best for your shape
(you'll look slimmer) and follow my 2009 Style Do's and Don'ts.

MissusSmartyPants Top 11 Style Do's for 2009

A Styled hairstyle…you' ll look years younger.
A lighter lip color…it gives you a youthful pout.
A straight-leg pant…so kind to your curves.
A semi-fitted jacket…adds friendly feminine curves.
A good fitting bra…puts the "girls" up where they belong.
Find your most flattering color & wear it…look prettier.
An A-line skirt…works that hourglass shape, ladies!
Pants long enough they touch your shoes…longer is leaner.
Body skimming top…makes the most of your shape.
Dark dressy jeans…sassy and stylin'
Classic good fitting clothes & the right attitude to wear
them…confidence +


MissusSmartyPants Top 11 Style Don'ts for 2009

Don't wear:

Baggy sweats…at home comfy-wear.
A worn-out purse held together by safety pin…c'mon you need a new one!
A 3 piece suit all worn together…so "old lady" and matchy.
Cargo pants…unless job related, a big fashion NO.
Ripped acid-washed Jeans…leave these to lead singers in rock bands.
Promo "give away" crew-neck shirts…there is a reason they are FREE.
Big boxy jackets…you will look hmm…BOXY!
Ankle length dresses, skirts or pants…don't do this to yourself, please.
Overalls…for farmers ONLY!
Rainbow socks…why?
Dark lipstick…dreary, old and UGLY.


All my blessings for a fabulous 2009!

Love,

Leslie aka MSP

I also have some thoughts for the New Year that I hope will help me work through my food issues. Stay tuned though ... I don't want to blow all my good ideas in one day, lol!

By the way, I hardly drank any water at all over the holidays, but I didn't overly pig out, either. At least, no real binges, so that's cool.