A Righteous Struggle

I was going to complain about the struggle I am having with this whole thing, but then I realized, at least I am still struggling. It could be worse. I could give up.

I haven't lost any more weight since those two pounds I lost when I first started this effort. However, I haven't gained them back. And I'm not giving up. And, honestly, I ate like a pig. Cookies? Bring 'em on. McDonald's? Sure, get me a Big Mac. 

So how could I expect to lose weight eating like that, right?

Skinny Man gave me a blessing a week or so ago and I was instructed to make small manageable goals and I would be successful. So, while I'm tempted to go hog wild and add a bunch more restrictions, I'm not going to do that.

My goals remain the same as last week, and will until I get a hang of those things.

However, there is one thing I did not do last week that I am going to try to do better at this week: I am going to rely more on Heavenly Father and read the helpful scriptures and talks I have for each month for help and inspiration.

I will not give up.

Say it with me folks . . .

I weigh 130 lbs and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

Time To Get That Spark

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit. 

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can. 

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
2. Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
3. Go to karate twice.
4. Exercise at home once.
5. Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh? 

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . 

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE. 

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

Choose

For Honesty, the Church's Twelve-Step program recommends reading "Addiction or Freedom" by Elder Russell M. Nelson. 

Most of the article isn't relevant for me since it's specific for drug addictions, but I was able to read it with an open mind and glean some wonderful things from it.

Elder Nelson says: 

"This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail." 

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that my will can prevail. He goes on to say,

"Healing doesn't come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure."

It's kind of scary to think it could take as long to heal as it took me to become sick. I mean, I think I've been 'sick' like this most of my life. But it does give me hope that even if I can't all of sudden become a good eater, a good steward of my body, that if I keep trying, keep walking in the right direction, then one day, I will be well again.

Elder Nelson offers a 'spiritual prescription' to help us regain our health and wellness again:

1. Choose to Be Alive. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you in return. Cheer up your hearts.

"The choice for life brings an outlook of optimism. It breathes hope. It rekindles self-esteem--regarding one's body as a timeless trust. And it awakens a personal commitment to "see that ye take care of these scared things, . . . that ye look to God and live." 

2. Choose to Believe. This is sometimes the hardest one for me. I believe in God and I know that He loves me, but I often fall short of believing that He will help me. But if I really think about it, about how He truly is my Father and that He is a loving parent, I realize that He would never let me down if I asked sincerely for His help. What parent would?

3. Choose to Change. "How long will ye suffer [yourself] to be led by foolish and blind guides? Yea, how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" (Hel. 13:29.) I choose to change.

4. Choose to Be Different. 

"Thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation." (D&C 89:4.)

"The Word of Wisdom is a spiritual law. To be obedient He proclaimed: "I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them." (D&C 89:21.)

The thing about the Word of Wisdom is, that it says "to be used with prudence." I want to be more obedient to this law. I am not putting anything into my body that contradicts it's dictates, but I am not careful to partake in moderation. This is where I need to improve.

5. Choose to Exercise. Exercising the body and spirit is freeing. It cheers us and gives us hope.

6. Choose to Be Free. "Leave behind "an iron yoke, . . . handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell." (D&C 123:8.)" Oh, how I want to do this! I truly feel trapped by my food addictions. I want to be free!

I Am Filled

I am often "encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." I hate myself for it. I struggle with myself, like a prize fighter who never wins the prize.

And when things do start to go well, when I start to think I can manage my life, my temptations, "my heart groaneth because of my sins."

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support" and He loves me. 

"He hath led me through mine afflictions . . .; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep."

There is no shame that I cannot take to Him. There is no help He would withhold from me, if I but ask. 

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

I do not need to consume so much that I am filled from the inside out. I only need to turn to my Father in Heaven. He will fill me with His love, and, being filled, I will overcome my temptations that they have no hold on me.

This, I believe.

*everything in quotes is scripture taken from 2 Nephi 4:18-21.

Stuff Happens

Namely . . . feelings happen.

Chocolate happens.

McDonalds happens.

Yeah, and that pretty much sums up why I didn't update my sidebar stuff last week and why I didn't lose any more weight last week.

But you know? It's all good.

I didn't GAIN any weight back, either. I know what went wrong last week and I do have the power to do it better this week. I shall prevail!

I'm still working through Step One, or Honesty, and last week I read Helaman 12:6. It reads:

"Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide."

I had to read that several times before I could really grasp what that meant to me. I think I've figured it out, but it's also still rattling around in my head, looking for a more firm purchase.

For me, it means that I am still hard-hearted and still forget or refuse to let my Father in Heaven help me. And yet, He is great, and He has mercy toward me. He wants to help me. He is kind and good. He loves me. 

I think why this concept is hard for me to grasp is because I have difficulty loving myself, so why should Heavenly Father love me, let alone want to help me?

If I am so weak, constantly giving in to my cravings, why should He want to help? Why not throw His hands up and be done with me already? 

And yet . . . this scripture would seem to say, that His hand of mercy is stretched out toward me still. If I would but remember and turn my heart to Him, let Him help me, let Him love me . . . He will.

A New Week ~ A New Goal

I did super last week!

I even lost two pounds. Isn't that amazing? It's tempting, when you've had some success, to do more and more--which, for a person like me, can spell disaster. I had been planning to do just that, but when I prayed about it, I felt that I should just increase my weekly goal by a very little bit.

Last week, my goal was to drink four glasses of water a day and to not eat past 9:00. 

This week, I will drink five glasses of water and not eat past 8:30 p.m. I'm also going to stretch each morning and go to all three of my karate classes. Baby steps boys and girls! Baby steps!

I've also been doing a good job of saying my mantra to myself. It is a very powerful thing. For the first time in a long time I've been able to envision what I will look like when I'm all done. When I shower I can imagine the fat being washed off of my body along with the soap.

Sing with me "I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my. And send it on its way!" (courtesy of South Pacific, of course.)

When I look in the mirror, particularly after a shower when (gasp!) I'm naked, instead of scowling at my blubbery self, I smile and say my mantra. It's possible for me, then, to see where I still have curves and where my real self is hiding underneath.

I was thinking that for me, being fat, is like curling up under layers of warm, soft quilts. I go to hide in there when I don't want to face the world. When I'm feeling down and out, I just want to curl up in a ball where no one can see me because I'm so small. Or, hide under the quilts. I wonder if that's what I've done to myself. Covered myself up with layer upon layer of nice fat quilts so that I can hide my true self from the world. Hmm.

So it's a slow and sometimes painful process to peel back those quilts, but I'm starting to think it might not be so bad. And my mantra is helping me to believe that.

I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

I Am A Masterpiece

I will probably post this video on every single one of my blogs because it is just ... powerful.

In regard to my issues of my body and my untamed spirit that I have difficulty controlling, this video is inspiring to me. I am a masterpiece. You are. We all are. I am so grateful to know that I am a daughter of God. I want to start acting like one.

Bye, Bye Ugly Fat Girl

Last night I read the first scripture in the twelve-step program. I think I'd read it before, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Like I said yesterday, I'm feeling pretty open-minded right now, which is an amazing thing.

I prayed for help last night. I feel good. I read the scriptures and I felt they spoke to me. Ahh. It's beautiful. 

(I weigh 130 lbs., and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.)

The first scripture recommended is 2 Nephi 26:22: 

And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Now, I know we already discussed this scripture, but the thing is, I wasn't really listening. Or my heart wasn't in it. Either way, I'm only now going "Hey, I get this!" I'm slow that way.

A cross reference for this scripture was 2 Nephi 28:21, and that was the one that really spoke to me when I read it:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

I tried to explain to my husband how this scripture made me feel, and I had a really hard time. I probably won't be able to do any better, but ... well, we're all sistah freaks here right?

So, I got this image of myself standing in front of the pantry door, hiding behind it, really, while I stuffed chocolates into my mouth. As one awesome commenter said, (Kristi? Jeri? Cindy?) Satan as few tools to use against us. He knows he's not going to catch me watching porn on my computer. He knows he's not going to help stuff pills down my throat. 

He knows that he can defeat my sense of self, my self-value, my ability to believe in myself by continually working at demeaning me and my ability to control myself. 

I have a mission here on earth. I was created to do a job. My own personal belief is that I need to be well and healthy to do that job. But regardless, I'm less likely to stand up with my arm raised saying "Here I am, Lord, send me" if I'm feeling like the ugly fat girl. 

The ugly fat girl doesn't want anyone to look at her, let alone to be in charge of something, to lead ... anything.

The ugly fat girl doesn't believe in herself, so how is she ever going to really believe that God believes in her?

The ugly fat girl entirely lacks faith. Faith in herself, and by extension, faith in her Heavenly Father.

I do not want to be that ugly fat girl anymore.

I am closing that pantry door. I am cutting those flaxen cords. I will not give Satan a tool to use against me. 

I am the ugly fat girl, no more.

Trust in God

Just in case anyone out there is looking for the third step in our journey to good mental, spiritual and bodily health, here it is:

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

• Submission of One's Will ~ "Insights From My Life", Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9.
• Trust in God ~ Alma 5:13
• I Will Come In To Him ~ Revelation 3:20
• With God Nothing is Impossible ~ Luke 1:37
• The Plan of Happiness ~ Alma 42:8
• Reconcile To The Will of God ~ 2 Nephi 10:24
• Submit Cheerfully ~ Mosiah 24:15
• Fast and Pray ~ Helaman 3:35
• Extending the Arm of Mercy ~ Mosiah 29:20
• Thanks to God ~ Alma 7:23
• Become As A Child ~ Mosiah 3:19
• Thy Will Be Done ~ Luke 22:41-42

I am in an interesting place right now. Those positive mantras that I've been working on? Well, they are having a powerful influence on me. I am feeling happier, more beautiful, and I can, for the first time ever, see myself living a more healthy life with a much slimmer body. So, right now, I'm feeling like I want to go back and really try to do these steps. That hope that seemed so far away last month, seems within my grasp this month. 

Yes, I am feeling hopeful.

Hunger

I was listening to Dr. Laura today when a woman called her for help with a drinking problem. 

Through their discussion it became apparent that this woman drank because it brought her closer to her parents, who were always out, drinking.

She hungered for their attention.

I had only been half-listening, until I heard that word. 

Hunger.

It really struck me, hit me--hard. That I hungered for my mom's attention, for someone's attention, and so I ate. I hungered, and so I filled my hunger.

Anyway, I don't really feel like going into all the things I have hungered for, but this realization felt powerful and true to me today. Just wanted to share.