Uh Oh. She's Been Thinking.

First of all, thanks to Jeri for the link to that excellent article. I read it. I am still pondering it. I may post on it in the future. Thanks again!

OK, so what have I been thinking about? Well, several things, actually.

A bunch of things have been colliding in my brain.

• Jonathan Roche wrote an article for Flylady.com that said we needed to have specific goals, not vague ones. Specific goals have been proven to be more effective in motivating people so they actually reach those goals.
• I re-read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself which says you need to say ten positive things to yourself for each negative thing you say because we are more likely to listen to the negative.
• This book also says you need to be specific about the goal you want to reach. For instance, if you want to weigh 130 lbs, tell yourself you weigh 130 lbs, rather than saying you weigh 'less'. Be specific.
• Another Flylady.com email this week suggested to us that if we set the goal to lose one pound a week, by Memorial Day we would have lost twelve pounds. Maybe that wouldn't make a huge impact on how we looked, but I can bet that it would make a huge impact on how we felt about ourselves.
• I have a habit of failing at the diets I try. But baby steps might work.

So, I'm going to try something. I'm going to try a combo of the things I just mentioned. I've already said this out loud to my honey, so now I'm writing it down. I will not beat myself up if I slip up. I will not. I will not. I swear it. (Remind me of this if I forget, ok?)

1. I will lose 12 pounds by Memorial Day, 2009.
2. For every negative thing I say to myself or about myself, I will repeat a positive mantra ten times. An example of what I might say is "I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy."
3. For the next week I will drink four glasses of water a day. Currently I'm lucky to drink two--I know the goal is to drink eight or more a day, but for now, I'm going to concentrate on baby steps. So, four glasses a day for the next week.
4. For the next week, I will not eat past 9:00 p.m. Again, I know the goal is to not eat past 7:00 p.m., but I tend to like to eat late at night, so I'm going to start with a goal that I feel is within reach. 

I am practicing have a positive attitude. I don't know how I'll do as I've failed lots and lots, but I do think these goals are doable, and even if I don't meet these goals, I think I'll be better off.

Care to join me?

What Is It With Diets Anyway?

Kristi said something that just popped out at me. She said that whenever she actually tries to diet, her body totally rebels and she ends up going way overboard with food.

I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about today, but I knew I needed to get in here and write, to keep that connection, like I said I would. But my day totally sucked food-wise. At lunch I ate like ten chocolate chip cookies. Not becuase I was hungry, but because they tasted good and I was alone and well ... the best way to get them out of my face (so they can't taunt me anymore) is to shove them in my face.

But then I read Kristi's post.

And so I ask, what is it with diets, anyway?

What is it about diets that make bingers cringe?

I have no flippin' idea. If I knew that answer, I swear, I'd be a size eight once more and I wouldn't be here, that's for sure.

And you know? I'm mad as heck about it too. I hate that I don't have any clothes that don't show the little rolls in my middle. I hate the feeling of those rolls as my arms rest against them. I hate the fact that my breasts no longer look as big because they are competing with those same rolls.

I'm mad that while I can control what I say when I'm talking to people (and really want to tell them what I think but I control myself and instead say the polite thing), I can't control what I put in my mouth. I can control whether or not I clean my house, pay my bills, go grocery shopping and many other things that I hate doing. So why can't I stay on a diet?

Actually, scratch that.

I do feel in control. 

But for some reason I haven't yet grasped, a part of me is choosing to stuff my face.

I can feel it. It does not exactly feel like being out of control. It feels like want, need, righteousness. I deserve it. I should have it.

Maybe, I'm a freak. Oh, and so is Kristi ;)

Are you a freak, too?

Protein Shake to Coffee Cake

Yesterday I woke up and I was bound and determined to have a good day. I started out my day with a protein shake. Yum...it was chocolate and actually tasted good. A few minutes later I was sitting at the computer fantasizing about chocolate. Huh...this can't be good. I just had some "chocolate" and I was not hungry per say. But I didn't give in. My friend called me and invited me over for a play date. She asked me if I had eaten breakfast, I told her "kindof", and she proceeded to make her coffee cake. Oh my heavenly goodness. The house smelled of cinnamon and sugar. When it came out I had to have a piece...besides it would be "rude" right? She told me that it was especially good with butter smeared all over the top. I had to try that. Oh my...3 HUGE pieces later I finally stopped. Wow...how did THAT happen? Protein Shake to Coffee Cake all in the matter of a couple of hours. If I even try to "diet" or eat right, something in my brain goes crazy and I end up doing way more damage than if I ate a regular breakfast. No more protein shakes that is for sure. I'll stick to my cereal thank you very much.

Hope. No Hope. Bob Hope?

I have no clue.

I should really write every day again, because when I don't write you miss whole chunks of the inner workings that are the mysterious and wonderful me.

I wanted to write this whole thing about rebellion, but I'm not in that place right at this moment. I move around a lot. In the nice places, the rent is too high and I can't pay it for very long. In the decent places, the rent isn't bad but the upkeep is terrible and I'm lazy, so adios suckers! In the shabby places, well, you move around a lot, no one really gets to know you and it's safe, sort of, in a "I'm a total loser" sort of way.

Skinny Man has been home for a long stretch and life has been good. Until one day I grabbed a handful of chocolates and ate them right in front of him. That almost never happens. Usually I hide my naughtiness.

It was like I was thumbing my nose right at him, right at me, right at the sensible me who knew better.

I hid a piece of pizza in my lap and took sneaky bites when my boys weren't looking. 

I ate the rest of my son's chocolate cake even though he said he wanted to save it for later.

Most of these I did do on the sly (and so many more) but I also have done a lot of eating right in front of Skinny Man. Like I said, I usually don't do that. I was and am shocked at myself. I'm breaking my own rules and it feels creepy and strange like I've hit a whole new low.

I haven't been praying. Not for help or hope or anything. I haven't been praying at all. I feel too ashamed to talk to my Heavenly Father. I figure, why would He want to hear from me when I can't even do the simple things He has asked me to do? I'm in a bad and yucky place :(

Don't be surprised if I post more often and it's stupid and boring. Hey, I'm not really here for you, remember? I'm here for me and because I hate writing in long hand and writing that just goes nowhere doesn't do it for me. I have to at least pretend that YOU are out there. And I must imagine you to be somewhat hostile, I guess too eh? Since I mistreat you so badly, lol.

I think I need to keep it real and the only way I can do that is to write about it all ... the ... time.

Sorry.

From Prayer to Burger King

Ali was wondering how I am doing. So here it is folks. The truth. Last week I was reading Ali's post about asking Heavenly Father for help in this whole process. So I decided to give it a whirl. One night I was feeling really down on myself and beating myself up for all my lack of control I have in my life....related to food. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am the kind of person that once I say I am going to do something...I get...it...done. I am one serious booty kicker when it comes to all aspects of my life. Except Food!

So, I am laying in bed after an especially long day of emotional eating and realize that I can't do this alone. In my nightly prayers I pray and ask for help in this whole process. I am ready to conquer the world. Ummm.....errrr....not quite. I say my prayer, go to sleep, and 12 hours later I find myself at Burger King eating a Whopper Junior Value Meal. Huh...that didn't quite go as planned now did it? Nathan was out of school and wanted to go and play on the new play structure there, so of course we had to go and partake of the Burger King Goodness right? *sigh* I am sitting there wondering how I have no will power, even after praying, to even last one...single...day! Maybe I am not ready to commit? Maybe I am a total loser? Maybe I hide behind my fat, and will always be the funny fat girl? I don't know. I just know, that for now, I am not getting it done. I can say that things are more stressful because of my mother in law's cancer, but when is life not going to be stressful?

As I was sitting at my table in Burger King I was listening to a table full of skinny girls. They all had a couple of kids and were just adorable and so skinny! And here they were talking about losing weight. One girl said, "I need to lose 10 pounds! But if I lost 15, I would be like totally anorexic looking". Yeah...me too. NOT! 15 pounds would not even make a dent in my physique. It is interesting how we are all obsessed about our bodies and how we look. It is hard for me to fathom why those women would feel that way being a size 6, but hey...who am I to judge? Heartfelt prayer for help to Burger King 12 hours later. That has to be some kind of record.

Step Two ~ HOPE

I love this step. Hope is what I need, man. 

I have honesty down pat. I have absolutely no doubt, none, that I can't do this alone. 

But what I'm not sure of is this: Is there really hope for me? Can I truly overcome this? Be better than myself? 

I am definitely going to throw myself into this step and hope that I can come out on the other side better equipped for a happier and healthier future.

Hope

• Perfect Brightness of Hope ~ 2 Nephi 31:20
• Power of Deliverance ~ 1 Nephi 1:20
• Believe in God ~ Mosiah 4:9
• Faith in Jesus Christ ~ Alma 37:33
• Help Thou Mine Unbelief ~ Mark 9:24
• Find Grace ~ Hebrews 4:16
• Power of Salvation ~ Alma 15:6, 8
• Exercise Faith ~ Alma 32:27
• Deliver Them Out of Bondage ~ Alma 5:5

Book Review ~ Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

Or not.

I couldn't read it. I mean, I tried, and got through the first five chapters or so but then . . . I just couldn't keep going with it.

So, the book was not helpful to me. But maybe Kristi could do a review of it? She's read it tons, lol.

Still struggling with the basic realities of me, but I'm hanging in there. No new feelings, I don't think. No new problems or issues with me that I've identified. Just . . . hanging in there. 

I wonder how Kristi's doing and how any of you are doing. I need to know I'm not alone in not being able to just snap my fingers and be new and different. Every morning when I wake up, I'm still just  . . . me. 

Not that that's a bad thing, I just lost the user manual on me too long ago to know how to make me run at the optimal level. One of these days I'll figure it out. 

The "E" Word

Ok, I'm going to say it. I'll just whisper it though. Maybe it won't be quit so hard to hear if I whisper it.

exercise

It's not that I hate exercise. I like it fine, well sort of, when I'm doing it. It's the going to it, getting ready for it and anticipating it that I hate. Mainly, I hate feeling like I have to do it.

Have you figured out that I generally have a problem with anything that I feel obligated to do? Yep, I'm a rebel.

But here's the irony with exercise: You hate to go, but after you do it you always feel better.

AND, when you're exercising regularly you (and by you, I mean me) tend to eat better.

I know. Weird, right?

Except I did eat a bunch of pretzels tonight, but mainly . . . much better.

I've been doing karate regularly since the start of the year. I've been signed up for karate for, like, two years, but have skipped a TON. But I've been amazingly faithful in 2009. I'm rather pleased with myself.

Two to three times a week I'm going to kicking and shouting and punching and crunching and jumping and pushing. It is hard, hard work. And I am super fat and old. 

But dang it, I feel great for doing it.

So, I'm just putting that out there. I know, you don't want anyone to tell you what to do, so I certainly won't. I'm just pointing out an interesting little relationship that I've noticed.

Doing that thing helps me not eat so much. I'm just sayin'.