Enough....is enough!

I am shouting to the world..."Enough already!" I...am...sick...of...being...fat. I have been fat my whole life, and I have had enough. I have had many moments through out my life where I was tired of being fat, and would go on a diet, and would fail...or lose it and gain it back. I have had lots of excuses to lean upon that have kept me fat...things from my childhood that have spilled over into my adult life that has made me feel "safe" with all my fat, and in control of MY life, because I can eat whatever I want and no one can tell me otherwise!

I have had lots of excuses the past several years that because I have been under extreme stress, it is OK to emotionally eat my way to obesity. I have dealt with loved ones dying from cancer, I am constantly dealing with my husband and all of his health problems that have literally taken all of my emotional time and energy...and on and on.

You know what I came to realize? My life (and yours) will ALWAYS be stressful. I keep waiting for the time when things will calm down a little...and then I'll lose weight. That candybar sure makes me feel better when I am waiting for my husbands test results. Food, makes me feel better.....for a while.

The moment of realization came, when my 10 year old son, who is athletic to the core, and even has a 6 pack! said that he was getting fat and needed to go on a diet. Huh...that is not good. He has said it several times, and then I realized...he has a fat mom, a fat dad, and fat grandparents...one of which just recently passed away from leukemia. I am setting a horrible example for my children. What...am I doing? I have no energy to play with my children. I was at the park and told my 3 year old that I was not going to push him on the swings. I didn't have the energy. And then, a woman, who was clearly going through chemotherapy, came over and pushed her toddler on the swing for at least 20 minutes. Oh boy...I felt like an ungrateful mom. Here I was sitting on a bench, too tired because I am too fat...and this woman who is going through something horrible, is finding the energy to push forward and enjoy every moment. Talk about another wake up call! I am missing out on the best years of my life. I am 37 and too young to feel this awful.

So...I have taken back control of my life. I always thought that eating whatever I wanted, was taking control...but that was out of control. I was giving my control away and in the meantime, I was miserable and fat.

One night, while I was feeling an extreme low trying to figure out how to pay all the stacks and stacks of medical bills, I decided to do something for myself. I ordered a month of Nutri-system. The guilt was overwhelming at first, and then I decided that if I did not do something for me..I would be the one in a few years with diabetes and obese diseases that all my relatives have. This is my preventative health care.

So...here I am 6 weeks later, and I have lost almost 20 pounds. Holy Ca-rap is right! I am actually doing it. And you know what the best part about it is? I know WHY I am doing it, and for WHO. Not only am I doing it for my children, I am doing it for ME. My mind has shifted this time, and it has been a totally different experience. (It also doesn't hurt that my 20 year reunion is next summer...I would love to go back and show people what a thin Kristi would look like...that would be a real shocker for everyone!)

Treating Myself Like a Child

I made myself a reward chart. Seriously. And just like a child, I am not getting all gold stars. I'm getting some, and some is progress, but I'm certainly not perfect. Haven't we already established that fact?

My big goal was to lose 2 pounds a week before my family Vegas vaction in February, but I don't think I'll make it. I'm not worried though. Whether I've lost the weight or not, I'll have moved forward in my quest to be healthy and strong. And that's something, right?

The first week, I set some goals that were just way too big and I didn't meet any of them. So last week, I dialed it back and did much better. My goals were to, go to Jazzercise once, drink 8 glasses of water a day, and walk 2500 steps each day.

I met my Jazzercise goal and my steps goal. I drank 8+ glasses five of the seven days. I'm happy with that!

This week, my goal is Jazzercise 2x, 3000 steps a day and I'm still working on the 8 glasses of water a day.

What goals are you working on?

Motivation, I Haz It

In February I'm going to Vegas with my sister, her twenty-something daughter, my aunt and her twenty-something daughter.

I do not want to be the fattest one there.

That's two pounds a week. Technically, I should be able to do this. But will I? Will this be the motivation I need to really make me reach my goals?

I thought so. But of course, after errands and "to-do's" all day I didn't exercise the way I told myself I would and I ate chips and peanut butter (not together, lol!) and just whatever was at hand--not a single veggie or fruit in the lot of it.

*sigh*

What was my motivation again?

Oh yeah. That I don't want to be the fattest one there. Motivation, baby!

Time To Go To War

All I've really got to say is that I'm sucking again. But I'm not going to talk about the sucking, because that doesn't do me any good at all. It doesn't do you any good, either. So, for this post, no complaining is allowed!

When I was doing NutriSystem I met this girl named Alie. One of the awesome things about NS is the amazing discussion boards filled with the most supportive people ever. Alie was one of them. She started at the same time as me and she embraced the program with ferocity.

Alie viewed her fat as the enemy and she'd stop at nothing to defeat it.

She didn't feel sorry for herself, bemoan her lack of self-control, or hate herself for ever getting fat in the first place. Instead, she fought.

Her body had been invaded in the cover of darkness, but now that she could see the intruders in the light of day, so to speak, she wasn't going to let them just take over.

When she worked out and her body ached, she'd imagine the fat cells running away screaming. "Take that!" she'd say, and work out even harder. When she craved sweets, she'd eat something better and think "Ha! Foiled again!" because her fat-making cravings didn't win out.

Of course Alie's human, and occasionally she didn't win the battle. But she didn't surrender, either. She simply regrouped her "troops" (the NS plan, her support group, her courage, her belief in herself) and she'd be back on the battlefield, armed and ready to win.

I'm glad I wrote this post, I needed it. This is a war. A war over my health and wellbeing, a war I can't afford to lose. So maybe my troops lose their way sometimes, or they aren't the best trained or dedicated fighters. But wars have been won by less and even if it takes the rest of my life, I can't afford to just surrender to the enemy. It's mine, damnit. All mine.

It's time I acted like it.