Stuff Happens

Namely . . . feelings happen.

Chocolate happens.

McDonalds happens.

Yeah, and that pretty much sums up why I didn't update my sidebar stuff last week and why I didn't lose any more weight last week.

But you know? It's all good.

I didn't GAIN any weight back, either. I know what went wrong last week and I do have the power to do it better this week. I shall prevail!

I'm still working through Step One, or Honesty, and last week I read Helaman 12:6. It reads:

"Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide."

I had to read that several times before I could really grasp what that meant to me. I think I've figured it out, but it's also still rattling around in my head, looking for a more firm purchase.

For me, it means that I am still hard-hearted and still forget or refuse to let my Father in Heaven help me. And yet, He is great, and He has mercy toward me. He wants to help me. He is kind and good. He loves me. 

I think why this concept is hard for me to grasp is because I have difficulty loving myself, so why should Heavenly Father love me, let alone want to help me?

If I am so weak, constantly giving in to my cravings, why should He want to help? Why not throw His hands up and be done with me already? 

And yet . . . this scripture would seem to say, that His hand of mercy is stretched out toward me still. If I would but remember and turn my heart to Him, let Him help me, let Him love me . . . He will.

A New Week ~ A New Goal

I did super last week!

I even lost two pounds. Isn't that amazing? It's tempting, when you've had some success, to do more and more--which, for a person like me, can spell disaster. I had been planning to do just that, but when I prayed about it, I felt that I should just increase my weekly goal by a very little bit.

Last week, my goal was to drink four glasses of water a day and to not eat past 9:00. 

This week, I will drink five glasses of water and not eat past 8:30 p.m. I'm also going to stretch each morning and go to all three of my karate classes. Baby steps boys and girls! Baby steps!

I've also been doing a good job of saying my mantra to myself. It is a very powerful thing. For the first time in a long time I've been able to envision what I will look like when I'm all done. When I shower I can imagine the fat being washed off of my body along with the soap.

Sing with me "I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my. And send it on its way!" (courtesy of South Pacific, of course.)

When I look in the mirror, particularly after a shower when (gasp!) I'm naked, instead of scowling at my blubbery self, I smile and say my mantra. It's possible for me, then, to see where I still have curves and where my real self is hiding underneath.

I was thinking that for me, being fat, is like curling up under layers of warm, soft quilts. I go to hide in there when I don't want to face the world. When I'm feeling down and out, I just want to curl up in a ball where no one can see me because I'm so small. Or, hide under the quilts. I wonder if that's what I've done to myself. Covered myself up with layer upon layer of nice fat quilts so that I can hide my true self from the world. Hmm.

So it's a slow and sometimes painful process to peel back those quilts, but I'm starting to think it might not be so bad. And my mantra is helping me to believe that.

I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

I Am A Masterpiece

I will probably post this video on every single one of my blogs because it is just ... powerful.

In regard to my issues of my body and my untamed spirit that I have difficulty controlling, this video is inspiring to me. I am a masterpiece. You are. We all are. I am so grateful to know that I am a daughter of God. I want to start acting like one.

Bye, Bye Ugly Fat Girl

Last night I read the first scripture in the twelve-step program. I think I'd read it before, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Like I said yesterday, I'm feeling pretty open-minded right now, which is an amazing thing.

I prayed for help last night. I feel good. I read the scriptures and I felt they spoke to me. Ahh. It's beautiful. 

(I weigh 130 lbs., and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.)

The first scripture recommended is 2 Nephi 26:22: 

And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Now, I know we already discussed this scripture, but the thing is, I wasn't really listening. Or my heart wasn't in it. Either way, I'm only now going "Hey, I get this!" I'm slow that way.

A cross reference for this scripture was 2 Nephi 28:21, and that was the one that really spoke to me when I read it:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

I tried to explain to my husband how this scripture made me feel, and I had a really hard time. I probably won't be able to do any better, but ... well, we're all sistah freaks here right?

So, I got this image of myself standing in front of the pantry door, hiding behind it, really, while I stuffed chocolates into my mouth. As one awesome commenter said, (Kristi? Jeri? Cindy?) Satan as few tools to use against us. He knows he's not going to catch me watching porn on my computer. He knows he's not going to help stuff pills down my throat. 

He knows that he can defeat my sense of self, my self-value, my ability to believe in myself by continually working at demeaning me and my ability to control myself. 

I have a mission here on earth. I was created to do a job. My own personal belief is that I need to be well and healthy to do that job. But regardless, I'm less likely to stand up with my arm raised saying "Here I am, Lord, send me" if I'm feeling like the ugly fat girl. 

The ugly fat girl doesn't want anyone to look at her, let alone to be in charge of something, to lead ... anything.

The ugly fat girl doesn't believe in herself, so how is she ever going to really believe that God believes in her?

The ugly fat girl entirely lacks faith. Faith in herself, and by extension, faith in her Heavenly Father.

I do not want to be that ugly fat girl anymore.

I am closing that pantry door. I am cutting those flaxen cords. I will not give Satan a tool to use against me. 

I am the ugly fat girl, no more.

Trust in God

Just in case anyone out there is looking for the third step in our journey to good mental, spiritual and bodily health, here it is:

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

• Submission of One's Will ~ "Insights From My Life", Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9.
• Trust in God ~ Alma 5:13
• I Will Come In To Him ~ Revelation 3:20
• With God Nothing is Impossible ~ Luke 1:37
• The Plan of Happiness ~ Alma 42:8
• Reconcile To The Will of God ~ 2 Nephi 10:24
• Submit Cheerfully ~ Mosiah 24:15
• Fast and Pray ~ Helaman 3:35
• Extending the Arm of Mercy ~ Mosiah 29:20
• Thanks to God ~ Alma 7:23
• Become As A Child ~ Mosiah 3:19
• Thy Will Be Done ~ Luke 22:41-42

I am in an interesting place right now. Those positive mantras that I've been working on? Well, they are having a powerful influence on me. I am feeling happier, more beautiful, and I can, for the first time ever, see myself living a more healthy life with a much slimmer body. So, right now, I'm feeling like I want to go back and really try to do these steps. That hope that seemed so far away last month, seems within my grasp this month. 

Yes, I am feeling hopeful.

Hunger

I was listening to Dr. Laura today when a woman called her for help with a drinking problem. 

Through their discussion it became apparent that this woman drank because it brought her closer to her parents, who were always out, drinking.

She hungered for their attention.

I had only been half-listening, until I heard that word. 

Hunger.

It really struck me, hit me--hard. That I hungered for my mom's attention, for someone's attention, and so I ate. I hungered, and so I filled my hunger.

Anyway, I don't really feel like going into all the things I have hungered for, but this realization felt powerful and true to me today. Just wanted to share.

Uh Oh. She's Been Thinking.

First of all, thanks to Jeri for the link to that excellent article. I read it. I am still pondering it. I may post on it in the future. Thanks again!

OK, so what have I been thinking about? Well, several things, actually.

A bunch of things have been colliding in my brain.

• Jonathan Roche wrote an article for Flylady.com that said we needed to have specific goals, not vague ones. Specific goals have been proven to be more effective in motivating people so they actually reach those goals.
• I re-read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself which says you need to say ten positive things to yourself for each negative thing you say because we are more likely to listen to the negative.
• This book also says you need to be specific about the goal you want to reach. For instance, if you want to weigh 130 lbs, tell yourself you weigh 130 lbs, rather than saying you weigh 'less'. Be specific.
• Another Flylady.com email this week suggested to us that if we set the goal to lose one pound a week, by Memorial Day we would have lost twelve pounds. Maybe that wouldn't make a huge impact on how we looked, but I can bet that it would make a huge impact on how we felt about ourselves.
• I have a habit of failing at the diets I try. But baby steps might work.

So, I'm going to try something. I'm going to try a combo of the things I just mentioned. I've already said this out loud to my honey, so now I'm writing it down. I will not beat myself up if I slip up. I will not. I will not. I swear it. (Remind me of this if I forget, ok?)

1. I will lose 12 pounds by Memorial Day, 2009.
2. For every negative thing I say to myself or about myself, I will repeat a positive mantra ten times. An example of what I might say is "I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy."
3. For the next week I will drink four glasses of water a day. Currently I'm lucky to drink two--I know the goal is to drink eight or more a day, but for now, I'm going to concentrate on baby steps. So, four glasses a day for the next week.
4. For the next week, I will not eat past 9:00 p.m. Again, I know the goal is to not eat past 7:00 p.m., but I tend to like to eat late at night, so I'm going to start with a goal that I feel is within reach. 

I am practicing have a positive attitude. I don't know how I'll do as I've failed lots and lots, but I do think these goals are doable, and even if I don't meet these goals, I think I'll be better off.

Care to join me?