Enough....is enough!

I am shouting to the world..."Enough already!" I...am...sick...of...being...fat. I have been fat my whole life, and I have had enough. I have had many moments through out my life where I was tired of being fat, and would go on a diet, and would fail...or lose it and gain it back. I have had lots of excuses to lean upon that have kept me fat...things from my childhood that have spilled over into my adult life that has made me feel "safe" with all my fat, and in control of MY life, because I can eat whatever I want and no one can tell me otherwise!

I have had lots of excuses the past several years that because I have been under extreme stress, it is OK to emotionally eat my way to obesity. I have dealt with loved ones dying from cancer, I am constantly dealing with my husband and all of his health problems that have literally taken all of my emotional time and energy...and on and on.

You know what I came to realize? My life (and yours) will ALWAYS be stressful. I keep waiting for the time when things will calm down a little...and then I'll lose weight. That candybar sure makes me feel better when I am waiting for my husbands test results. Food, makes me feel better.....for a while.

The moment of realization came, when my 10 year old son, who is athletic to the core, and even has a 6 pack! said that he was getting fat and needed to go on a diet. Huh...that is not good. He has said it several times, and then I realized...he has a fat mom, a fat dad, and fat grandparents...one of which just recently passed away from leukemia. I am setting a horrible example for my children. What...am I doing? I have no energy to play with my children. I was at the park and told my 3 year old that I was not going to push him on the swings. I didn't have the energy. And then, a woman, who was clearly going through chemotherapy, came over and pushed her toddler on the swing for at least 20 minutes. Oh boy...I felt like an ungrateful mom. Here I was sitting on a bench, too tired because I am too fat...and this woman who is going through something horrible, is finding the energy to push forward and enjoy every moment. Talk about another wake up call! I am missing out on the best years of my life. I am 37 and too young to feel this awful.

So...I have taken back control of my life. I always thought that eating whatever I wanted, was taking control...but that was out of control. I was giving my control away and in the meantime, I was miserable and fat.

One night, while I was feeling an extreme low trying to figure out how to pay all the stacks and stacks of medical bills, I decided to do something for myself. I ordered a month of Nutri-system. The guilt was overwhelming at first, and then I decided that if I did not do something for me..I would be the one in a few years with diabetes and obese diseases that all my relatives have. This is my preventative health care.

So...here I am 6 weeks later, and I have lost almost 20 pounds. Holy Ca-rap is right! I am actually doing it. And you know what the best part about it is? I know WHY I am doing it, and for WHO. Not only am I doing it for my children, I am doing it for ME. My mind has shifted this time, and it has been a totally different experience. (It also doesn't hurt that my 20 year reunion is next summer...I would love to go back and show people what a thin Kristi would look like...that would be a real shocker for everyone!)

Try, Try Again

I've hesitated posting about this because I'm ashamed. I've officially become that try-every-diet-in-the-world girl. And I'm afraid you'll laugh at me, scoffing, because of course I'm just going to fail again.
But then I realized, the purpose of this blog is total and complete honesty in my search for a thinner and healthier me.

I don't expose myself for some bizarre sense of sensationalism. I do it because I need to learn not to lie to myself, not to excuse myself every time I fail. And I can do that more easily if I think of myself as you.

Okay, so here I am, trying another diet. This time I'm forking out the big bucks to Nutrisystem. My food should arrive today, I'm planning on hitting the grocery store tonight for the supplemental foods required by the diet (salad stuff, fruit, etc.) and will start the diet tomorrow.In the meantime, I've been familiarizing myself with the online tools available on the Nutrisystem site (lots of chat rooms, discussion boards, blogs, member pages, articles and such) and, psyching myself up.

As always, I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, and if you do Nutrisystem too, please look me up ~ I need all the friends, support and encouragement I can get, and I'd bet you could too. I'm happygrrl on there ;)

Rules To Slim By

Right at this very moment, I'm feeling strong. Booyah! I'm gonna lose weight, gosh darn it!

Here are my rules to slim by:

Leave a couple bites at every meal.
Did you know that following this simple plan can save you 700 calories a week? Enough to stave off the typical two pounds most of us gain each year.

Cook at home one more night each week.
Yes, we eat out way too often. It's my goal to only eat out twice a week and no more.

No eating past 8:00 p.m.
That means no random snacking while sitting on the couch at night. This one will probably be the hardest for me to stick to.

Get a good night's sleep.
I don't have any bad habits that involve the bedroom, like watching TV or taking my laptop to bed, I just don't get to bed early enough. I'm going to work at improving that.

Walk 15 extra minutes every day.
I'm gonna get a pedometer to help me out with this one. According to an article I read, the average woman takes about 5,500 steps a day which is basically sedentary. But whatever our starting point, we should try to increase our steps by 2,000 a day (or about fifteen minutes and 100 calories burned.)

This is going to be hard for me too. If the average woman takes 5,500 steps a day, I probably take, oh, 2,000? I definitely need to increase my movement every day.

If I've planned to exercise, I should do it whether I've missed my optimum time or not.
Last night I did that and I was so proud of myself. I like to exercise in the morning, but it just didn't happen for me. So, at 9:00 last night I finally had some time and I went and did half an hour on my elliptical. It felt awesome to have not let myself down.

By golly, this is gonna me!

Learning to Love Yourself

My friend Jen wrote this amazing article today about whether you can lose weight simply by loving yourself.

Essentially, Jen references a pair of women who were featured on our local news the other night. These women practiced "self-acceptance"--the art of loving your body, accepting it in its imperfect state, and quitting the constantly-on-a-diet roller coaster.

I found this possibility fascinating. It resonates with truths that I believe in and have only just recently been starting to recognize.

Once I heard a story of a woman who's doctor advised her to lovingly spread lotion on her body twice a day. She was morbidly obese and at first the thought of not only seeing her naked body but touching it filled her with dread. As she had gotten heavier and heavier she had seriously disconnected from her body, barely acknowledging it in her daily hygiene routine.

Yet, she faithfully began the practice her doctor recommended. At first she was disgusted, then she grew more accepting. Her skin became smooth and supple, moisturized by the twice-daily lotion.

But soon, she began to notice something else.

She enjoyed the moments of quiet attention to her body. And her body slowly responded to the love by releasing much of the weight she'd been hanging on to for so long.

That story has lingered in the back of my mind for some time now. But now, after reading Jen's article, it's jumping to the forefront, demanding I pay it some attention.

I really love the notion of self-acceptance. Of loving yourself even in your imperfection.

But the idea also kind of frightens me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I really don't love myself? Certainly not my body.

My body has always betrayed me. I couldn't break bones when I tried to so I could get attention from my family when I was little. I enjoyed sex taken from me by an abuser. I've always used my body as a weapon--against others, against myself, to punish, to control.

I know, maybe a bit too much information. But this is a safe place for me. A place to face these scary truths. Because they are mine. And hey, maybe this is the first step in finally accepting myself. In finally coming to love myself, from the inside out.

Time To Get That Spark

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit. 

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can. 

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

1. Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
2. Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
3. Go to karate twice.
4. Exercise at home once.
5. Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh? 

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . 

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE. 

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

Uh Oh. She's Been Thinking.

First of all, thanks to Jeri for the link to that excellent article. I read it. I am still pondering it. I may post on it in the future. Thanks again!

OK, so what have I been thinking about? Well, several things, actually.

A bunch of things have been colliding in my brain.

• Jonathan Roche wrote an article for Flylady.com that said we needed to have specific goals, not vague ones. Specific goals have been proven to be more effective in motivating people so they actually reach those goals.
• I re-read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself which says you need to say ten positive things to yourself for each negative thing you say because we are more likely to listen to the negative.
• This book also says you need to be specific about the goal you want to reach. For instance, if you want to weigh 130 lbs, tell yourself you weigh 130 lbs, rather than saying you weigh 'less'. Be specific.
• Another Flylady.com email this week suggested to us that if we set the goal to lose one pound a week, by Memorial Day we would have lost twelve pounds. Maybe that wouldn't make a huge impact on how we looked, but I can bet that it would make a huge impact on how we felt about ourselves.
• I have a habit of failing at the diets I try. But baby steps might work.

So, I'm going to try something. I'm going to try a combo of the things I just mentioned. I've already said this out loud to my honey, so now I'm writing it down. I will not beat myself up if I slip up. I will not. I will not. I swear it. (Remind me of this if I forget, ok?)

1. I will lose 12 pounds by Memorial Day, 2009.
2. For every negative thing I say to myself or about myself, I will repeat a positive mantra ten times. An example of what I might say is "I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy."
3. For the next week I will drink four glasses of water a day. Currently I'm lucky to drink two--I know the goal is to drink eight or more a day, but for now, I'm going to concentrate on baby steps. So, four glasses a day for the next week.
4. For the next week, I will not eat past 9:00 p.m. Again, I know the goal is to not eat past 7:00 p.m., but I tend to like to eat late at night, so I'm going to start with a goal that I feel is within reach. 

I am practicing have a positive attitude. I don't know how I'll do as I've failed lots and lots, but I do think these goals are doable, and even if I don't meet these goals, I think I'll be better off.

Care to join me?