A Heavy Burden

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy. 

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here. 

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden. 

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts  of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food. 

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

• work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
• add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
• get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.  

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Super Late ...

So this'll be just a quickie.

Day Three of the Four-Glass Challenge and I did it ... AGAIN!!!

But I've just GOT to tell you the good news: My rings and watch were slightly looser today. MUCH more comfortable. It's got to be the water. If that's what four glasses'll do, I wonder what eight glasses will do? Hmm ...

I ate pretty darn good today. Skinny Man and I actually went on a date and I did not eat the whole large popcorn! Hurray for me! Usually he eats this dainty amount, like an inch's worth, while I eat all the way down the crumbs at the bottom. But tonight, I was the one who stopped first.

But then I was so surprised by my behavior that a few minutes later I dipped in again. But I didn't enjoy it as much and only ate a couple more handfuls before throwing in the towel for good. I really didn't want it. Surprise! When we threw out the box, there was more than half of the popcorn still in there. A HUGE accomplishment for me.

My mantra continued to work well for me today. I'd like to post more about that, but for tonight, I'll just repeat it one more time: 

I am Beautiful, Healthy, and Happy.

Switching Things Up ` Day Two of the Four-Glass Challenge

Ta Da! I did it again! Hurray!

I've eaten like a pregnant woman carrying septuplets, but hey, at least I drank my four glasses of water :) And I'm not even knocking the fact that I'm only drinking four glasses instead of the recommended eight. It's more than i was drinking and that, my friends, is success.

Last night I had a thought: I should check out a book I read earlier in the year "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmsetter. A girl I met at karate suggested this book. She said it had changed her life. It was like magic. A miracle.

I read the book with an open mind. I could definitely see how it could help and bless your life. But I just didn't feel like putting in the effort to make it work. Plus, no one has tape cassettes anymore and all that jazz. 

But last night it occurred to me that I had a digital voice recorder. It's tiny and is easily portable. Heck, my phone has a voice recorder in it. If I need some positive affirmations, I can put them on it. I can listen to them (the affirmations) whenever and wherever I want.

I'm gonna give it a try. What's wrong with me is manifesting itself as a physical problem, but it's an internal one, really. I think if I can change my inner dialogue, I'll definitely be further ahead in the game.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt HAPPY. And the mantra that was going through my head, for the first time in a long, long time ... maybe even ever ... was "I'm Beautiful, Healthy and Happy." 

I've felt pretty darn good all day. Despite the extra helpings of Christmas goodies.