Gotta Hate That Emotional Eating Thang

Today was hard.

I have a wonderful family who normally spoil me silly on special occasions. Perhaps I've become a brat or something, but this year they are letting me down.

Also in past years, we've been so broke around Mother's Day and my birthday (which is in a couple months) that there hasn't been much to spend on gifts. I've always been fine with that. But I have to admit that this year, knowing we weren't so tight, I was looking forward to a little spoiling.

I gave plenty of suggestions well in advance of this weekend. Plenty reminders that Mother's Day was coming up, lol. But it wasn't until today that Skinny Man decided to go shopping for me. But that's not the problem.

The problem was he took me and the boys with him (why did I have to go?) and just kept asking me what I wanted. 

Well, if you're a girl, you know that this is not how it's supposed to work. 

Finally I got frustrated--not angry, just sad, really--and told them that I loved them and I didn't like feeling that they were only out to get me a gift to give me something. I'd be happy with some extra lovin'. If they didn't have any idea of what to get me, then they shouldn't get me anything. Ya know?

Of course you know that I was also not telling the truth, right?

Sure, I want the extra lovin' and I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want, for a moment, to feel like a Queen in my home. But, I also like gifts. :D

So I dropped everyone off at home and went out to get groceries. And I had an epiphany. 

I was craving sweets, treats ... anything that I could shove in my mouth. I ate two Rollo's which took a great amount of self control not to eat more, but still ... it shouldn't have happened at all.

I found myself hoping they weren't home when I returned so that I could sit down with a bag of Doritos and pig out. That would have been bad on so many levels. It might have single-handedly ruined my efforts on my diet. It would have left me feeling hated (by me) and punished (by me) and icky in general. It would have disappointed Skinny Man who has been so proud of my progress.

I did not come home and pig out. Aside from those two little Rollo's I did not have anything illegal today.

But I found it so interesting that in the face of feeling let down by the ones I love, my reaction was to punish myself. 

Why? What would I accomplish, psychologically speaking, if I were to do that? Prove that I'm unlovable? And that they have good reason not to spoil me because I am so unlovable? To hurt myself so they would feel sorry for letting me down? For driving me to pig out?

I think both, really. I wanted Skinny Man to feel sorry--to realize that he had an opportunity to really make me feel loved, and instead he made me feel like I--and this special day--was just an afterthought. 

And I wanted to punish myself because I hate feeling so needy that I have to drive my family into caring for me, into loving me. Am I that horrible? That rotten that people wont' just love me and show me they love me? Not unless I hold their strings, like puppets, and make them? 

I need to believe in myself more.

I know Skinny Man loves me. I know it. He doesn't always show me in the way I want him to, but he shows me in his own way and it is no less because of that.

I know Thing 1 and Thing 2 love me. They treat me with respect and always give me love and kisses. Why should Mother's Day be special when every day with them is special? Sounds corny, I know, but my boys are very affectionate and are often telling me how much they love me. Why do I need a day to prove it to myself?

I shouldn't.

I am loved. These three people love me. I would do them honor, and my Father in Heaven, if I would only love myself as well. 

Am I A Compulsive Eater?

Like Kristi, I checked out Overeaters Anonymous before I started this blog. I was looking for answers - any answers. I didn't want to commit to a whole group-thang, so I passed on that, and I didn't notice the questions that Kristi mentioned about whether or not OA was for you. So I went back there the other day and answered the questions. 

All I can say is, WOW. 

These are the questions, lifted off of the Overeaters Anonymous website, to find out if you are a compulsive eater: 

 1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Umm ... yes. Is that a problem? In fact, I'm not sure I ever eat when I am actually hungry - at least, not if I can help it.

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

Yes. That's why I'm here. I manage my eating perhaps 80% of the time, but there's that pesky 20% when I can't get enough. 

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

Pretty much all the time, because either I'm eating the wrong stuff, too much stuff, or I'm wishing it was something better tasting.

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

I think about food pretty much all of the time. What I will eat next, when, where. All the time.

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

Yes! This is my favorite reason for my hubby to go on business trips, which I otherwise hate. When he's gone, I don't have to feel guilty (or at least, I don't have to be SEEN) when I have my late-night pig-outs.

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

YES! I dream of when he's away, or when the kids are out of the house so I can eat that last chocolate bar, or spoonfuls of peanut butter.

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

Absolutely. I'm the picture of health. Other people have no idea what I eat (or how much) behind their backs. 

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

Perhaps not so much yet. Although, my friends want me to go walking with them in the mornings, but I can't keep up with them, so I miss out on that. And I would like to be able to go sledding with my boys and other stuff like that, but I don't dare.

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

Oh yeah. Every single time. I am totally afraid of diets now because they always end in failure.

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?

Yeah, that and when they are full of ideas as to what will work for me, or the "you just need to ..." advice. I've BTDT and NONE of it has worked.

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

I'm getting over that, but otherwise, I would have said yes. Up until maybe two or three months ago, I totally thought that if I really did just TRY harder, I would and could lose weight. Now I'm just totally discouraged and think maybe I never, ever will lose this weight.

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

Yes. Mostly in the mid-afternoon when I wish I could have privacy for half an hour to eat alone - and whatever I want, and in the late evenings.

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

Absolutely. There's this commercial for Paul Blart - Mall Cop where they guy is having a piece of pie and smearing it with peanut butter after he has failed the police officer test for the umpteenth time. He says "Pie, it just fills the cracks of your heart." Yup, I totally get that.

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? 

No. But I think mainly because I haven't ever told anyone about my secret eating habits. I'm quite sure I have what's called "binge-eating disorder".

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Yes. Here's my biggest guilty admission: I've eaten treats my boys were looking forward to eating and blamed it on the dog.

So it's clear I have an eating problem. But I'm hoping that coming clean with my behavior, pulling back the curtain, so to speak, will help me heal those cracks in my heart - NOT with pie, but with truth and love for myself.

Whatever

This has been a whatever day. 

It didn't start out that way. It started out fine. But, somewhere along the way, it took a dark turn.

That family trouble I told you about the other day? It got a little yuckier today and I think that was when I turned down the broken road. My dog ate all the cookies I had made to make me feel better.

I should be grateful, right? But instead it made me really, really ANGRY.

I did not drink my water. I think I got three glasses in today. 

Food feelings?  First, strangley (the family stuff triggered ... ) FEAR, then I felt APATATHETIC, and now I just feel ANGRY. 

The First Day ...

3:30 p.m.

I usually start the day out alright. I love Fiber One's Honey Bunches of Oats so I always have that for breakfast and I like it. So I'm going along feeling fine, not hungry, not snacking (not drinking water either, but that's a whole 'nother issue).

Until the boys ask for lunch.

"Lunch?" I asked, surprised. I mean, I'm not hungry, are they really hungry? What time is it anyway? Is it really lunch time? Wow. 

Ok, so I head to the kitchen to scrounge up something for lunch. In the fridge is left over pizza from earlier this week. The boys don't want it for lunch. But I'm feeling lazy and bored with my food choices so I pull it out of the fridge and start munching on it while I look for something to feed the guys.

There were three pizzas in the fridge, but by the time I've finished making the boys roast beef sandwiches, I've eaten all three. Didn't I say I wasn't hungry? Huh. 

I ate the pizza cold and without a drop of water or milk or anything to drink. I'm sure that can't be good. I don't care. Now I feel yucky and like I didn't really enjoy my lunch and like I need something else to make my lunch better.

So I have a piece of chocolate. Then another. And another.

I did manage to get in two glasses of water between 8:00 this morning and 3:30 this afternoon. But I'm aiming for EIGHT. Argh.

My feelings when I started eating were LAZY and BORED. 

9:00 p.m.

Again, at dinner time, I was not hungry, but I ate. I ate a big meal, everything on my plate. Two feelings: RESIGNED and ANGRY.

Resigned because of course I'm going to eat it all. Of course it's too much. Of course my stomach will hurt from being filled too much. Of course.

Angry because of all of the above. I think there's something else there, but I'm not sure what. Angry at myself for not taking more control of myself? I'm not sure. Probably that.

And here's another thing ... when I've eaten a meal, I feel like I want, that I NEED to keep eating. It doesn't matter how much I've eaten or whether I'm full or empty. What matters, is that I eat. Eat, eat, and eat. So I had some more chocolate. I'm only talkin' the mini bars here, but still, I had three of them. 

Another feeling: SHAME. I don't want people to see me eat, especially the treats. I stand behind the pantry door to eat them. Tonight the boys and I were watching a movie and I had a bag of chocolates (given by a neighbor as a Christmas gift) that I brought down to share with them. But I was glad they had their faces turned toward the TV and didn't see that I ate twice as many chcolates as them.

They can leave their food if they are full. They can stop at one chocolate if they're sweet tooth has been satisfied.  Will I ever have that kind of control over my eating? I hope so.