So, You're After Gettin' Fat, Eh?

That's my Canadian-self showing itself for your snickering enjoyment. Not that you'd snicker at me, I know, but ... still, just in case.

I used to look at very fat people, even chubby people, and scoff. "How can they let themselves get like that?" I'd wonder.

I mean, I could always tell when I was putting on some weight, when I was starting to get a bit chubby. Then I'd work out harder, watch what I ate. I always knew that I loved food and sometimes would get a little 'thicker' but I knew what I needed to do to reign myself in and so I thought I could always control it.

I'd see the others, the one who did not reign it in, who did not control it, and I'd think they had failed somehow.

My mom was one of those. Mind you, she'd always been a chubby girl, but as a woman, she allowed herself to get fat. That's what I thought she'd done, anyway.

But now I find myself trapped inside this body that is not responding to my efforts to reign it in. I literally felt like I was in some sort of fun-mirror house, watching my body spread wider and wider while I bang on the mirrors from the other side. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. I couldn't escape the image in the mirror. 

And then I just gave up. I slid down to the floor with my back to the mirror, and wrapped my arms around my knees. That's where I am today.

The girl on the outside is after gettin' fat. (Nova Scotia speak for "Gee, you're getting kind of fat, aren't you?") The girl on the inside has given up.

And that's how those fat women do it. They didn't just allow themselves to gain enormous amounts of weight. Rather, I think now, that something happened to them. Something trapped them inside of themselves, looking out, helpless to stop the gaining, helpless to get out. 

So yep, I'm after gettin' fat. No water today, well, maybe two glasses. See? It's a small thing, but so hard for me. No binging per se, but I did eat till I was stuffed to the gills when we went out for dinner tonight. I have got to get myself recommitted to drinking my water. I need to break out of this fun-house. It's a lie, after all. It's not fun, at all. Food Feelings? ENTITLED, UNCONTROLLED.

Hello, Bulimia, come on in ...

Have you ever wished you had an eating disorder? Like the kind that actually made you get smaller?

I know it sounds wildly crazy to admit out loud, but I have.

When I was a girl I thought about anorexia, but I liked food too much and the thought of shunning it altogether just wasn't going to happen for me. I hadn't heard about bulimia then, and the idea didn't occur to me on my own.

Later, I heard about it, and gave it a try. Yes, that's right, I tried several times to induce vomiting after a big meal. But I could never do it. I mean, I could do it, I just couldn't figure out how to make the vomit come. 

I also tried going the stool softener route, but my poor bum couldn't handle it after a while. 

All of this was many years ago, but still ... it lingers in my mind. It's still a part of me. It's still a part of my inner dialogue.

In a weird way I think the women/girls who have been able to follow through with their anorexic or bulimic behaviors have amazing willpower and self-control. They just used their powers for evil instead of for good.

*sigh* I guess I need to read some books by women who've been there. Like "A Future For Tomorrow" by Haley Hatch Freeman. Thing is,, I don't want to read about how someone survived their weight issues by doing this thing or that. I don't want a project. I don't want to be told how I can do it too. I just want to know I'm not alone, where I am right now.

Well, on that kind of melodramatic note, I'm here to tell you that I did drink my water today, but it was hard. Six glasses is hard for me. I might have to stick with six for a while before I try to do eight. 

But for now, here's my reward for today:

I noticed an interesting food feeling today: ENTITLEMENT. I have no idea why, or where that came from, but that's definitely what I was feeling. Gonna have to explore that one some more and try to figure it out.

Can't ... Stop ... Thinking ... About ... Food ...

Or at least, that's how I usually feel.

On every diet, and during every post-diet binge, (or mid-diet binge, as the case might be) I canNOT stop thinking about food. What I'm eating, what I'm

 not eating. Hating it, loving it, didn't matter, I still wanted it to go into my mouth. I jealously watched other people ate too. Make food off-limits, and I'm all over it. My food feeling? OBSESSED.

After a couple weeks of strictly NOT dieting, I'm finally coming to a point where I am enjoying food again. What an amazing relief. I've always loved food, the way it tastes, it's smell, even the way it looks. I love food. I want to eat it. The super nifty thing about the changes I'm experiencing is that I am just beginning to enjoy food again. It's wonderful. Hurray!

And, amazingly, when food is not consuming my every waking thought - when I'm going to eat again, what I'm going to eat again, can I do it, no I can't, ahhh ... must have junk food, hurry, stuff, stuff, stuff, *gasp* - I don't seem to need to eat quite so much.

There are no rules as to what I can eat or when I can eat it. I can just enjoy food again. Ahhhh ... (picture me sinking into a warm, soft bubble bath, that's how this feels - a release of the most sublime kind.)

So, there has, once again, been no binging today. I still didn't eat great, I know, but I'm beginning to think I might actually get there. Just perhaps by my own meandering route. Still, I think if I take my time, I'll want to stay once I get there.

About my baby steps for today. I had planned to up the water ante to six glasses a day, and add exercise three times a week. But I began to feel pressured and scared about the exercise, certain I would fail. So, it's not a goal, after all. 

However, I did exercise today! I thought, maybe three or five minutes on the elliptical. But I did ten! Might not sound like much to you, but seriously? I'm sooo out of shape. So I am thrilled with ten. I'm going to put exercise as a possibility for me throughout the week. If I do it, great, if I don't, I won't sweat it. It is not a goal, and because of that, I will not be disappointed in myself if I don't exercise at all for the rest of the week.

The one and only goal I did set for myself this week was to drink six glasses of water today, which I did without any problem. 

I thought of another baby step to add to my list too. To not eat after 7:00 p.m. That would be a good one. 

A Heavy Burden

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy. 

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here. 

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden. 

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts  of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food. 

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

• work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
• add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
• get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.  

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Day Four

Other than having a Big Mac combo for dinner today for lunch today, this has been a good day and I have been a good day. 

Sorry, I started this blog and ya'll probably expected some serious binging behavior to relate to, and here I'm having good days. But this is how it goes for me ... good followed by bad. 

But here's the thing, I've gained almost thirty pounds during this past year alone. I'm only 5'2 and should weight between 100-135 lbs or something like that. Personally, I like myself at 130. But right now, I weight about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my twins.

Oh, and before you go thinking I am justified to weigh that much after having twins, I was back to 130 and wearing my size 6 jeans just ten months after the boys were born. Go figure. I think it was the nursing that helped me there though ;)

So, good day for me. Hurray! I still only drank about one glass of water today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot for TWO. Woo! Go Marge!