Food Fights and Binges Bite

Radio Silence

2010-11-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure blogging about my struggle to lose weight is helping me as much as I'd like right now. So I'm going into radio silence for a while. Perhaps I will come back, perhaps not.

If you want to reach me, feel free to email me at inetsupergrrl at yahoo dot com.

Otherwise, good luck to you!

Enough....is enough!

2010-10-29T20:42:00.002-06:00

I am shouting to the world..."Enough already!" I...am...sick...of...being...fat. I have been fat my whole life, and I have had enough. I have had many moments through out my life where I was tired of being fat, and would go on a diet, and would fail...or lose it and gain it back. I have had lots of excuses to lean upon that have kept me fat...things from my childhood that have spilled over into my adult life that has made me feel "safe" with all my fat, and in control of MY life, because I can eat whatever I want and no one can tell me otherwise!

I have had lots of excuses the past several years that because I have been under extreme stress, it is OK to emotionally eat my way to obesity. I have dealt with loved ones dying from cancer, I am constantly dealing with my husband and all of his health problems that have literally taken all of my emotional time and energy...and on and on.

You know what I came to realize? My life (and yours) will ALWAYS be stressful. I keep waiting for the time when things will calm down a little...and then I'll lose weight. That candybar sure makes me feel better when I am waiting for my husbands test results. Food, makes me feel better.....for a while.

The moment of realization came, when my 10 year old son, who is athletic to the core, and even has a 6 pack! said that he was getting fat and needed to go on a diet. Huh...that is not good. He has said it several times, and then I realized...he has a fat mom, a fat dad, and fat grandparents...one of which just recently passed away from leukemia. I am setting a horrible example for my children. What...am I doing? I have no energy to play with my children. I was at the park and told my 3 year old that I was not going to push him on the swings. I didn't have the energy. And then, a woman, who was clearly going through chemotherapy, came over and pushed her toddler on the swing for at least 20 minutes. Oh boy...I felt like an ungrateful mom. Here I was sitting on a bench, too tired because I am too fat...and this woman who is going through something horrible, is finding the energy to push forward and enjoy every moment. Talk about another wake up call! I am missing out on the best years of my life. I am 37 and too young to feel this awful.

So...I have taken back control of my life. I always thought that eating whatever I wanted, was taking control...but that was out of control. I was giving my control away and in the meantime, I was miserable and fat.

One night, while I was feeling an extreme low trying to figure out how to pay all the stacks and stacks of medical bills, I decided to do something for myself. I ordered a month of Nutri-system. The guilt was overwhelming at first, and then I decided that if I did not do something for me..I would be the one in a few years with diabetes and obese diseases that all my relatives have. This is my preventative health care.

So...here I am 6 weeks later, and I have lost almost 20 pounds. Holy Ca-rap is right! I am actually doing it. And you know what the best part about it is? I know WHY I am doing it, and for WHO. Not only am I doing it for my children, I am doing it for ME. My mind has shifted this time, and it has been a totally different experience. (It also doesn't hurt that my 20 year reunion is next summer...I would love to go back and show people what a thin Kristi would look like...that would be a real shocker for everyone!)

Treating Myself Like a Child

2010-10-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

I made myself a reward chart. Seriously. And just like a child, I am not getting all gold stars. I'm getting some, and some is progress, but I'm certainly not perfect. Haven't we already established that fact?

My big goal was to lose 2 pounds a week before my family Vegas vaction in February, but I don't think I'll make it. I'm not worried though. Whether I've lost the weight or not, I'll have moved forward in my quest to be healthy and strong. And that's something, right?

The first week, I set some goals that were just way too big and I didn't meet any of them. So last week, I dialed it back and did much better. My goals were to, go to Jazzercise once, drink 8 glasses of water a day, and walk 2500 steps each day.

I met my Jazzercise goal and my steps goal. I drank 8+ glasses five of the seven days. I'm happy with that!

This week, my goal is Jazzercise 2x, 3000 steps a day and I'm still working on the 8 glasses of water a day.

What goals are you working on?

Motivation, I Haz It

2010-10-11T06:00:00.000-06:00

In February I'm going to Vegas with my sister, her twenty-something daughter, my aunt and her twenty-something daughter.

I do not want to be the fattest one there.

That's two pounds a week. Technically, I should be able to do this. But will I? Will this be the motivation I need to really make me reach my goals?

I thought so. But of course, after errands and "to-do's" all day I didn't exercise the way I told myself I would and I ate chips and peanut butter (not together, lol!) and just whatever was at hand--not a single veggie or fruit in the lot of it.

*sigh*

What was my motivation again?

Oh yeah. That I don't want to be the fattest one there. Motivation, baby!

Time To Go To War

2010-10-04T06:00:00.004-06:00

All I've really got to say is that I'm sucking again. But I'm not going to talk about the sucking, because that doesn't do me any good at all. It doesn't do you any good, either. So, for this post, no complaining is allowed!

When I was doing NutriSystem I met this girl named Alie. One of the awesome things about NS is the amazing discussion boards filled with the most supportive people ever. Alie was one of them. She started at the same time as me and she embraced the program with ferocity.

Alie viewed her fat as the enemy and she'd stop at nothing to defeat it.

She didn't feel sorry for herself, bemoan her lack of self-control, or hate herself for ever getting fat in the first place. Instead, she fought.

Her body had been invaded in the cover of darkness, but now that she could see the intruders in the light of day, so to speak, she wasn't going to let them just take over.

When she worked out and her body ached, she'd imagine the fat cells running away screaming. "Take that!" she'd say, and work out even harder. When she craved sweets, she'd eat something better and think "Ha! Foiled again!" because her fat-making cravings didn't win out.

Of course Alie's human, and occasionally she didn't win the battle. But she didn't surrender, either. She simply regrouped her "troops" (the NS plan, her support group, her courage, her belief in herself) and she'd be back on the battlefield, armed and ready to win.

I'm glad I wrote this post, I needed it. This is a war. A war over my health and wellbeing, a war I can't afford to lose. So maybe my troops lose their way sometimes, or they aren't the best trained or dedicated fighters. But wars have been won by less and even if it takes the rest of my life, I can't afford to just surrender to the enemy. It's mine, damnit. All mine.

It's time I acted like it.

Take That

2010-09-27T06:00:00.000-06:00

Today I had a realization. Except unlike most aha moments when you suddenly realize how to make something better in your life, this little brain blast left me feeling pretty darn depressed.

I am not disciplined.

And it's not just my health, either. It's pretty much everything.

Oh, sure. I'm a grown up and certain things need to be done when you're a grown up. I can pay my bills on time, keep my house reasonably well, and all that stuff.

What I don't seem to be able to do is keep any promises to myself.

I say I'm going to write, but I don't. I'm going to eat well, exercise. But I don't.

I can fulfill my promises to other people ~ why can't I pay myself this simple courtesy?

This is definitely one of those "things that make you go hmm" moments. But now that I know where my shortcoming lies, I can face it head on, look it in the eye, and work toward defeating it.

Take that you lazy pansy!

Ready, Set ...

2010-09-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

And, I didn't go.

See, this is why Skinny Man is not the best partner in all of this. He promised he'd walk with me, but he had a crisis come up at work and he said he couldn't go. Nevermind that Monday's walk was only half a mile and would probably only take ten minutes or something. But did I go without him? Um, no.

And I didn't go without him on all the other walks either. But there's still time to try again, so I'm trying again this week.

Exercising With a Goal in Mind

2010-09-13T06:00:00.003-06:00

Well, so far I've pretty much sucked at making health and fitness goals, right? So what better time to set yet another goal. And publish it here. Of course. Because I love public humiliation.

Except for that little hope that maybe, just maybe, this'll be the time that I actually do what I set out to do.

Skinny Man has committed to do this particular plan with me--not that that'll increase my chances of success at all--he's ~~even worse~~ just as bad as me.

But, at least I'm not giving up. I'm gonna try. Again.

So, today is Monday. I found this plan in the latest edition of Family Circle magazine, and I'm starting on my plan today. I found a race coming up in seven weeks (this plan is for six weeks) that Skinny Man and I are going to do. It costs money. Hopefully that'll be enough incentive to motivate him--and that'll be enough to motivate me in turn.

It's not a Komen race or anything, which I would have preferred, but it's in the right time frame so it'll still be worth it.

Want to join me?

5K Slim-Down Plan (Family Circle Magazine, Oct 1. 2010)

WK	MON	TUES	WED	THURS	FRI	SAT	SUN
1	.5-mile walk	Cross-train 30 minutes (swim, bike, hike, elliptical, yoga)	1-mile walk	Rest	1.5-mile walk	1.5-mile walk	Rest
2	1.75-mile walk	Cross-train 30 minutes	1.5-mile walk	Rest	1.75-mile walk	1.75-mile walk	Rest
3	2-mile walk	Cross train 30 minutes	2-mile walk	Rest	2.5-mile walk	2.5-mile walk	Rest
4	2-mile walk	Cross train 30 minutes	2.5 mile walk	Rest	3-mile walk	3-mile walk	Rest
5	2-mile walk	Cross-train 30 minutes	2.5-mile walk	Rest	3-mile walk	3-mile walk	Rest
6	2.75-mile walk	Cross-train 30 minutes	2.5-mile walk	Rest	Rest	5K Day!	Rest

Yes, I'm Still Alive & Yes, I'm Still Fat

2010-09-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

Sad, but true. I'm not doing Nutrisystem anymore, I'm just . . . living.

Does this make me a big, fat (haha) loser?
Maybe. That's why I'm back here. Because I need you. I need to be accountable to someone, and the people in my real life probably wouldn't appreciate my constant whining about my body. Because I think about it all the time.

You look at me and I'm thinking, "Wait. How fat do I look at this very moment?"

My husband puts his arms around me in bed and his hand grazes the flab at my stomach. I stop breathing. Belatedly, I suck in my gut--but it's too late because he's already felt it. And I wait. I'm wondering, how grossed out is he?

He still loves me. And my friends don't say anything. And in general I still feel decently good about myself. Maybe better than I felt this time last year. But I'm still hyper aware. Still need to improve my treatment of myself. Still looking for a better, healthier me.

If you're here, how are you doing? Where are you in your weight-loss journey?

Move It Along, Ladies

2010-05-17T08:38:00.004-06:00

With the weather getting warmer and the days longer, I find myself migrating to the outdoors instead of sitting behind my desk writing. This is a good thing for me, because I have a tendency to hibernate in the winter months and get very little exercise--no outdoor activity at all.

Because I have so much weight to lose, I need to start out slow. The last thing I want to do is have an injury that will limit activity. For those who are already getting a lot of exercise, walking at a brisk pace and increasing your heart rate is the best plan for you, but for someone like me, that has literally hundreds of pounds to lose and has been inactive for months, I need to start slow. My goal for this week is to just get out there, take deep breathes of fresh air and MOVE. Even if I just get to the end of our country lane and back a few times a day, it will be a start and a great improvement. I'm also planning on spending some time at the local hot springs. Using water to eliminate some of the pressure on my joints will help lower the risk of injury. The mineral water will do wonders for my skin and overall health and the resistance of the water as I swim will strengthen all my muscles, not just a few. Regardless of your degree of activity, starting in the pool is always a great idea.

Now if I can just fit into my stinking swim suit. *sigh*

Try, Try Again

2010-03-24T12:54:00.005-06:00

I've hesitated posting about this because I'm ashamed. I've officially become that try-every-diet-in-the-world girl. And I'm afraid you'll laugh at me, scoffing, because of course I'm just going to fail again.
But then I realized, the purpose of this blog is total and complete honesty in my search for a thinner and healthier me.

I don't expose myself for some bizarre sense of sensationalism. I do it because I need to learn not to lie to myself, not to excuse myself every time I fail. And I can do that more easily if I think of myself as you.

Okay, so here I am, trying another diet. This time I'm forking out the big bucks to Nutrisystem. My food should arrive today, I'm planning on hitting the grocery store tonight for the supplemental foods required by the diet (salad stuff, fruit, etc.) and will start the diet tomorrow.In the meantime, I've been familiarizing myself with the online tools available on the Nutrisystem site (lots of chat rooms, discussion boards, blogs, member pages, articles and such) and, psyching myself up.

As always, I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh, and if you do Nutrisystem too, please look me up ~ I need all the friends, support and encouragement I can get, and I'd bet you could too. I'm happygrrl on there ;)

All the Tools in the World

2010-03-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

All the coolest tools in the world can't make you lose weight.

So I have my fancy dancy pedometer, right? But guess what? If I don't actually do the work of walking all those steps, it does a fat lot of nothin' for me.

Yesterday I walked 1500 steps. Yes, I know how bad that is. But you know? I just couldn't get the walking time in. Scratch that, I could have, but it would have meant I was out walking at ten o'clock at night (I don't like being out late at night, and that's late for me,) or that I was walking around my house. Both of these things I could have done. But I didn't. Why? 'Cuz I didn't want to.

And that's the crux isn't it?

That's why some exercise routines work and some don't. Some diets work and some don't.

It all depends on whether or not you try. Or do. Or whatever the opposite of not caring is. You can have all the neato equipment in the world. A membership to the best gym in town. A really cool collection of awesome workout clothes. And yup ... it's worth about zero because you just don't care enough to get your money/effort's worth out of it.

Or, you pig out on donuts when you get home from working out, right Kristi? ;)

Exercising leads to fatness

2010-02-25T22:06:00.005-07:00

I don't know if you all are aware of this or not, studies have shown that exercising leads to weight gain. I'm not talking about the infamous "building muscle" weight gain. I am talking about the good old fashioned puttin on the fat pounds. Oh...alright...I have not found an "official" study that states that if you exercise you will gain weight. I am referring to my own personal study of my life.

Why is it that every single time I start exercising, I start packing on the pounds? I have been walking for the past 3 months, about 2-3 times a week, yes, that in and of itself is a stinkin mir-a-cle!, so why oh why am I fatter than ever? Well...I can tell you why. After my 2.4 mile morning walk, I come home and feel "justified" in eating a donut(I guess I should say donut's because lets get honest here...who can eat just one donut?). Then, an hour later, I feel justified in having four cookies, with a side of See's chocolate, and then for lunch, I feel justifed in having those chicken nuggets, and so on and so on because...Hey! I exercised today! So, just because I exercise...it gives me license to eat and eat? Shouldn't I be turning more health conscious and watching what I eat, because I exercised? Especially since I really, really, dislike exercising. I'll admit it...I am SO lazy when it comes to exercising. If I didn't have a friend that literally called me every....single...morning to get me out walking, I would never do it. I told her I am going to make her a 65 lb. fat suit for her to wear, because that is how much heavier I am than her. That might slow her down a little bit, and help her realize why it is so hard to get this old "voluptuous" body moving every single day.

So...now what? I'm not sure. I just polished off two huge bowls of Captain Crunch Berries...because...Hey! I exercised today.

Sedentary

2010-02-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

sed·en·tary \ˈse-d^ən-ˌter-ē\

a : doing or requiring much sitting
b : not physically active

Yes, I'm still obsessing about this. Because 5, 500 steps a day is really, really hard. Especially when my pedometer keeps getting reset whenever I lean against a counter. Considering it's so hard for me to *just get the "sedentary-level" steps in each day* it's a complete downer when the pedometer resets. I either have to start all over again or give up. Usually, I give up.

But I don't want to be lazy.

la·zy \ˈlā-zē\

1 : disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous
2 : moving slowly

I've been watching the athletes compete in the Olympics (we've been obsessively watching this year, don't know why. I don't think we've missed a single "episode" of coverage yet. Crazy.) And I admire them. I admire everything about them. Everything about what it takes to move your body like they do. The hard work they have invested in their sport. The excellence they have striven for, and, achieved. They are stunning. They are amazing. They are inspiring.

They are so not me.

When I watch the athletes do their thing, when I hear them talk about their work ethic, I think I could maybe do that--I want to do that, I want to work that hard and feel that great about myself and my abilities.

And so I realized something.

I am lazy.

If there's a shorter way around, someone else to fetch me something, or if I can consolidate efforts to avoid having to walk to the kitchen/laundry room/etc. more than once, I'll do it. I'm a cheater. And I am lazy.
So, I'm back to using my little pedometer (I'll just avoid leaning against things.) I will get 5, 500 steps each day. And I will eat less. I will because I am sick of being fat. And I don't have to just let it live with me. It's time to evict that fat.

I will not be sedentary. I'll find reasons to get up and move around--take those extra trips upstairs, or wherever. And I'm banishing laziness to another realm.

Today? 7, 408 steps. Yay for me!

Tired of Being Super Dieter?

2010-02-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of dieting. Sick of counting carbs and calories. Sick of wondering if THIS diet will work. Sick of gaining back everything I lose and then some.

One of my writing friends posted this link on a yahoo group I belong to and I thought it looked interesting. But then I sighed deeply, wondering if it was another quick fix to an emotional, internal problem I haven't been able to heal yet. As with every new diet, I hesitated even opening the link, but then thought . . . what the heck.

I've only briefly scanned a couple of the pages, so I'm not sure I will try it or not, but what I've read certainly sounds promising. If you decide to give it a try, please let me know what you think. I'm going to do more research this week and might give it a go myself. Here's the link: http://loseweight.emofree.com/

Good Luck!!

Keeping a Food Journal

2010-02-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

I've tried keeping a food journal before and end up either not being honest with recording what I shove in my mouth, or neglecting the task completely. I've decided I need to give it another try and do my best to be honest. I'm also going to keep track of the calories and carbs. I think that will help me realize how fast they add up and exactly what damage I'm doing to my body.

The second thing I need to do is move more. I keep telling myself that, but find that at the end of the day, I've barely left my office chair to roam around the house and then it's either for food or a bathroom break. With the weather getting nicer outside, I've made it a goal to take more breaks from writing and get out of the house more often. It will also help clear my mind so I can hear my muse whispering.

So, what steps are you taking to reduce the bad foods and increase activity. I'd love to hear all about it.

Going Places

2010-02-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

I picked up a cheap pedometer at ShopKo the other day. Just $8.00 and it keeps track of my steps and shows me how I'm doing on meeting a daily goal.

Remember how I said that the average woman takes 5, 500 steps a day, and that's considered sedentary? And how I thought I probably only walked 2, 000 steps a day?

Well, I wasn't far wrong.

My world is very, very small. I rarely venture out of my home, and when I do, I park near the places I need to go.

I set the goal to take 5, 500 steps. I know that's just "sedentary," but I still thought it would be an improvement for me.

By 2:00 p.m. today I'd only taken about 1,500 steps. I began to worry I wouldn't make my 5, 500 goal. I had to run some errands, so I parked far from the doors. By 9:00 p.m. I was still 1,500 steps short of my goal. So I took my dog and walked around the cul de sac, then walked around again.

Now as I write this, my pedometer sits at 5, 535. Yay! I met my goal! But it did take conscious effort to get there.

I realized, while walking around the neighborhood for the second time, that my pedometer is taking me places. It's a very small thing, tracking my steps, but already it got me out of my chair and out of my house.
I'll keep my goal at 5, 500 for a while, maybe for the rest of February. But then I think I'll see where else my pedometer takes me. Because I'm going places. I can feel it.

Workout Wednesday & A Recipe

2010-02-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

It's time to start moving ladies! Get up off that couch or away from that computer and MOVE!! That's right, click on this song below, stand up and MOVE IT GIRL!!! Let's get happy, healthy and in the mood for a GREAT DAY!!!

BONUS: For a great recipe go HERE. Baked Parmesan Chicken Breasts. YUMMY!!

Rules To Slim By

2010-02-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

Right at this very moment, I'm feeling strong. Booyah! I'm gonna lose weight, gosh darn it!

Here are my rules to slim by:

Leave a couple bites at every meal.
Did you know that following this simple plan can save you 700 calories a week? Enough to stave off the typical two pounds most of us gain each year.

Cook at home one more night each week.
Yes, we eat out way too often. It's my goal to only eat out twice a week and no more.

No eating past 8:00 p.m.
That means no random snacking while sitting on the couch at night. This one will probably be the hardest for me to stick to.

Get a good night's sleep.
I don't have any bad habits that involve the bedroom, like watching TV or taking my laptop to bed, I just don't get to bed early enough. I'm going to work at improving that.

Walk 15 extra minutes every day.
I'm gonna get a pedometer to help me out with this one. According to an article I read, the average woman takes about 5,500 steps a day which is basically sedentary. But whatever our starting point, we should try to increase our steps by 2,000 a day (or about fifteen minutes and 100 calories burned.)

This is going to be hard for me too. If the average woman takes 5,500 steps a day, I probably take, oh, 2,000? I definitely need to increase my movement every day.

If I've planned to exercise, I should do it whether I've missed my optimum time or not.
Last night I did that and I was so proud of myself. I like to exercise in the morning, but it just didn't happen for me. So, at 9:00 last night I finally had some time and I went and did half an hour on my elliptical. It felt awesome to have not let myself down.

By golly, this is gonna me!

You Are What You Wear

2010-02-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while I was sitting in church, I watched people as they came into the chapel and took their seats. I took note of what they were wearing, how the women had their hair done and how some had taken extra time to do their little girls hair up just right. Some were dressed in plain, but nice dresses, some were in fancier garb and a few were even in professional skirt and blazer type attire. I thought about my frumpy dress and how I wished I had a new one. I only have 3-4 dresses that still fit me and even they have seen better days. It was then that I realized I haven't bought new clothes for ages. My pants are getting so thin you can practically see through them and my shirts have been washed so many times, they are at least 5 shades lighter than their original vibrant colors.

So why don't I buy clothes? Easy, I keep thinking I'll lose weight and get into a smaller size. Every time I think about spending money on a new pair of jeans I tell myself it would be a waste of money because they'll be too big for me when I lose all the weight I'm planning to lose. But then I don't and I end up wearing the same old things over and over until they are rags.

Unfortunately, this does two things. One, it depresses me because I never have new and wonderful clothes. And two, I look like crap--which depresses me even more. I truly believe that our attitude and self esteem would sky rocket if we just took the time to do the little things each morning. Never go without doing your hair up and putting on makeup. Don't just wear jewelry when you go out, accessorize for yourself. And go get a few new items to wear, regardless if you're planning on losing or not. At least have one nice outfit that you can feel good in. The change in your self image could give you the boost you need to actually stick to that diet and make better eating and exercise choices.

Deciding What's Best For Me

2010-02-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

I had a minor meltdown yesterday.

A friend of mine (great friend, well-meaning) gave me a bottle of oral hCG.

And it kind of freaked me out.

Not that she would give it to me, but the idea that I might do that diet again. I liked the hCG diet the first time I did it, but didn't follow the protocol very well the second time. It's not the diet with which I had the problem. The problem came in the aftermath. And all the fat that is now on my body but once wasn't.

I am now at the weight I was last spring when I went on the hCG diet. But I am two sizes bigger than I was. Yes, bigger. I have way more fat now than I did before. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist and I don't know why such a thing might be, but the fact remains that for me, it's true.

Recently, I've been feeling rather hopeful and kind to myself. Like I said in my post the other day--I'm not giving up, I'm still hanging in there, still trying.

I've been following the baby-step philosophy and I was all ready to post about that today, when this whole issue popped up.

Like I said, I kind of freaked out.

If I go on the diet again I might lose weight. Which would be great, because I totally need to lose weight. But what if I gain it all back again? What if I get even fatter? Again?

If I go on the diet, I might not stick to it as well as I need to and I might fail. Again. (Like when I have I gone on a diet when I haven't failed--eventually?)

Back and forth, back and forth. Should I go on the diet, or shouldn't I? Stress! Freaking out!

And then I talked to a friend (who, coincidentally is gorgeous and healthy and fit) about my panic and . . . relief . . . she gave me permission not go on the hCG diet. Just because my friend gave the medicine to me, does not mean I have to take it. I can keep it and maybe one day I'll want to use it, but for now, it's totally and completely okay for me to do what I'm doing.

Which is baby steps. As in, right now, I'm happy to exercise in whatever form I can. Fifteen minutes on my elliptical. A ten minute walk. Anything that's more movement than before is a success. I'm leaving a couple bites of food on my plate at every meal. If you do that, I've read, it can mean 500 calories saved by the end of the week for the average person. That's enough to stave off the annual 5 lb gain most people experience.

The freak-out has successfully come to an end and I'm at peace with my very small steps forward--for now. How about you?

Workout Wednesday

2010-02-03T00:18:00.000-07:00

Here's your inspiration music for the week. I LOVE Black Eyed Peas and this song gets me moving every time, whether I'm sitting in my car, at my desk or working out. Hope you enjoy.

Happy New Year!

2010-02-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Walking through my house the other day, I had an aha! moment.

I was thinking to myself how I hadn't been very successful with my New Year's resolutions "this year." The inner dialogue going on in my head was pretty recriminating and I wasn't cutting myself any slack.

And then, this little voice that's normally timid and shy perked up and said, "Hey! Cut it out!"

Turns out that little chicken-self had something to say in my defense. We're only one month into the New Year. I haven't failed YET.

Elbert Hubbard said, "There is no failure except in no longer trying." I believe this to be true in my writing, so why can't it be true in other aspects of my life?

The answer? It can.

So if I haven't failed yet, then today is as good a day as any, to try, try again.

Therefore, Happy New Year!

If your resolutions have already been flushed down the toilet, then join me in facing this new year together. February first is the new January first, haven't you heard?

I have not failed, because I am not giving up.
So there.

Not So Fast

2010-02-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so starting out with having only protein for breakfast didn't work. Why? Because I countered the act of dietary obedience with allowing myself the luxury of scarfing down everything chocolate I could get my hands on. We're not talking about an occasional piece of the luscious brown stuff, oh no. I managed to take in the entire candy isle in one week. How can a person succeed in the dieting world with so much temptation everywhere around her. It's just not the basic chocolate bar, but you can get just about anything made of chocolate these days . . .

There's milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, pink chocolate, chocolates filled with cherries and just about anything else you can think of, chocolate cake, chocolate cream pie, chocolate covered strawberries, and chocolate ice cream. But then, let's not forget all those specialty chocolates, made for that person who has everything. There's the . . .

Chocolate Keyboard
A must for the writer in me.

And I wouldn't want any of my work to be lost, so there's the
chocolate USB drive to save all those wonderfully crafted words.

But then when I want to take a break and go shopping, there's even fancy chocolate shoes I can buy. But they'd never be on my feet, unless you count the fat that wraps around my ankles.

Oh, and we cant forget chocolate roses sent by that secret admirer.

Or the candy kiss left on your pillow by that certain someone.

And my own personal favorite, the M&M. And we all know you can't just eat one of those. Once you get started, you can't stop.

And then at the end of the day, when you think you've had your fill of chocolate, you find yourself on a cold winter's night, wishing you had a little something to keep you warm. Do you turn to your lover or a woolen blanket, nope . . . nothing warms the heart like a hot cup of cocoa.

Is there any wonder why I can't sleep at night, wired with all that sugar and caffeine?
So this week my goal is to eliminate MOST of my sugar intake. I will allow myself a tiny amount of the brown stuff, but not every day and in small amounts. Do you think that's possible or will I end up like this poor woman?
Death By Chocolate!
What a way to go.

So tell me what your weaknesses are.
Is it chocolate, chips or Cheetos?
And how do you overcome your craving for them?

Wednesday Workout

2010-01-27T05:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I chose to post on Monday, but then I thought about putting a great workout song on once a week, so I nabbed Wednesday as well. Maybe a little workout music will help you finish off the week on a good note. Hope this is okay, Ali.

I love moving to the beat of this song. Hope you will, too. If you're just starting out, like me, remember to start slow . . . but START.

Forming Good Habits

2010-01-25T01:01:00.000-07:00

Ready to hit the beach this summer with that beautiful body? I wish I was.

About three years ago, I went to a bariatric doctor who put me on a high protein, low carb diet. I lost almost 100 pounds in a little over a year.

YAY for me, right?

The problem was that he had me so many meds and such a CRASH diet, that when it started affecting my health and I had to go off the meds, I gained it all back and then some. I've tried several times to start over on the menu plan of high protein foods, vegetables and low car, low sugar foods, but only last about a week before blowing it all and going back to eating whatever I want.

The problem? I think there are two main issues I need to deal with first.

One - I need to stop thinking about this as a diet and get it into my head that it's a way of life. I need to find something that works for me every day. Something I won't need to go off of in the future. Something I can live with now.

Two - I need to start slow, forming good habits that fit into my lifestyle. This one is the hardest, because my lifestyle is simple. I'm home alone for most of the day with full access to the refrigerator and the pantry. I need to start shopping better, preparing good snacks that can be at my fingertips and not let anything in the front door that will tempt me back into my old ways.

So, I've chosen to start with forming a good habit. I figure if I can do it one step at a time, it will be easier to maintain. Here's how I plan to do this.

I will start one meal at a time, one stack at a time. The first promise I will make to myself is to only eat protein for breakfast. I have a great protein shake in a powder form that I get at Costco. Just add a little ice and water, put it in my mini blender and it's good to go. That will be my first habit. Get up, fix a protein shake and continue with my day. The rest of the day I will try to make good choices, but not get upset if I slip. As long as I'm forming that good habit in the morning, I'll be fine. (I get chocolate flavor for breakfast so I'm not tempted to add fruit. But if you want to get vanilla, you can have a shake for an afternoon snack and add a little low-fat plain yogurt and a few small strawberries for a smoothie.)

AND, just in case you want to join in, the shake is optional. You can eat any protein for breakfast as long as you don't go over 8-9 grams of carbs. So scramble a couple eggs, or have a slice of cheese, or a couple slices of lean bacon. That's fine. You can even have the shake and the other protein. Just stay away from the carbs for breakfast. The pure protein first thing in the morning will jump start your metabolism for the day and get your body to use up yesterday's fat.

Committment Issues

2010-01-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

I think I have committment issues.

Take this blog, for instance.

I haven't written in a long time. Why? Probably because I've got nothing good to report. Because I didn't want to come back here and tell ya'll that I'd failed. Again.

I love the new year and all that it offers. I love clean slates and fresh starts. Except where it comes to my weight, I don't like it at all. Not. At. All.

Because I've tried all the stuff and I've failed at all the stuff. Who's to say I won't just fail again?

One thing I can do though, is post to this blog. Chris and I noticed that despite us not writing anything, many people come here regularly. Why? I have no idea. But, if you're coming here, you must be looking for something, right? Comradarie? Association with people going through the same things as you? Friendship? Those things we can do.

So Chris will post each Monday, and I'll post each Thursday ~ and maybe we'll be able to throw in a few extras here and there too. That's a committment we can make.

This doesn't have anything to do with the blog, I just thought it was hysterically funny :)

As for me? Well, you've probably figured it out already. Still fat. Still feeling like a loser.

But I am not a loser. I just haven't found that thing that'll help me turn it around for my health. There, that's a resolution I can make: To change my attitude about my body in 2010. I don't necessarily have to reach a certain weightloss, I just need to learn to love myself more.

Just a litte update . . .

2009-12-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

I *did* go shopping this week, but not on Wednesday like I thought and I didn't accomplish much. I did, however, get a few new pairs of jeans and a new winter coat. Shopping for jeans is as tough as shopping for bathing suits or bras. Blech.

But I did find success in the BKE "Wendy" jean (higher rise, easy fit, so there's room through my knees.)
The Silver "Suki" jeans (don't stretch as much, but they fit comfortably around the upper thighs.)

And the Torrid jeans (cut high in the back to cover my ample booty and lower in the front so I still get that low-rise feel.)

I also needed (and found!) a good winter coat--something that was at once stylish, cut longer so it comes over my booty a bit, slimming, and that was wide enough to fit easily over my hips so I didn't feel like it was skirting up when I walked (Calvin Klein jeans jacket on sale at Macy's.)

Whew!

Anyway, I've been watching this Yoplait commercial for a few months but I always think it's way funny. Thought I'd share.

I love how she's looking at the cakes, even though she knows she shouldn't (don't I do that EVERY time, lol?) and how she tells the Bear Sheriff off. Guess it doesn't take much to make me smile, but I like it. I haven't have the nerve to try these "sweet treat" yogurts--have you?

Food makes me happy?

2009-12-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

I...love...food. I am an emotional eater, and the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the last several months has been intense....so my eating has been intense. And as Ali so beautifully stated, I also..."am getting fatter".

I wonder if it is a bad thing that the gals at the Wendy's drive thru know me, and we talk as if we are life long friends. I wonder if it is strange that Ginger, who works at Steak burger where they have the BEST twist cones ever, will be receiving a Christmas gift from me because she is such a sweetie. Huh...I don't think that is normal. I wonder if that is a sign that I frequent those types of places WAY too much? Ya think? My two year old knows each fast food joint and will ask for whatever I usually get him as we drive by. "Taco Mama?" (Taco Bell) "I want Shake mama"(Burger King, and Jack in the Box) "Chicken nuggets pleeeeease" (Wendy's, McDonalds) and so on and so on. I see a Fast Food Intervention in my future.

A few weeks ago, my son said something to me that has haunted me. We were sitting in the parking lot eating our Wendy's, and he says to me, "You're happier now aren't you?" And then he said, "I feel happier when I eat too". Oh boy. This is not good. My 9 year old even recognizes my behavior. Yes...I feel happier when I eat. My mood definitely is brighter after I have partaken of some tasty morsel. I get excited when I know that I am going to go out to eat, and I think about what I am going to order. It's fun to take my kids to get icecream and they know that I will be fun and happy, so they in turn are excited. Wow...that's messed up.

So...what have I done to remedy the situation? Have I changed my life and started feeling giddy while eating carrots? Nope. I have remedied the situation by going to my "fun" places while my son is at school. That should help. Baby steps here people! :)

Does food make you happy? It sure makes me happy...for a while...until I am laying in bed at night beating myself up over eating way too much and getting fatter. Such is life. And here I sit typing this, thinking non-stop about the chocolate pie in the fridge. Time to go and partake.

P.S. If you are wondering who this random person is typing this...don't worry...you are not alone. I have not posted in a long time. I am back...and ready to rumble!

Oops, I Did It Again

2009-12-07T23:53:00.001-07:00

I've gotten fatter.

The funny or weird thing about fat, though, is that I actually still weigh five pounds less than I did when I went on the hCG diet in May, but man oh man am I fatter.

I asked Skinny Man tonight if he'd go out with me on Wednesday to shop for new clothes. I need to be able to wear jeans that don't make me feel like my circulation has been cut off. I need to be able to find something in my closet that won't cling to the fat billowing over the top of my jeans.

We've been watching What Not To Wear lately. We both know what I should be looking for. Sweet, sweet man that he is, Skinny Man didn't even hesitate. He took me by the waist (yes, the fattest part of me) and said "I would love that."

It doesn't make me happy to be buying new fat clothes, but I know I'll be a lot happier if my clothes fit comfortably and I look my best. I might even go to Lane Bryant or Torrid. I'm probably just a size twelve or so, but . . . maybe I'll feel better shopping there, and be more likely to find things cut for girls with the wrong kind of curves.

In the interest of girlfriend sharing I *might* take pictures. But don't hold me to it. ;)

You Mean, Doing Nothing Doesn't Work?

2009-11-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

Notice my weight ticker in the sidebar? Notice how it's going to the left instead of to the right?

Yeah, that's because doing nothing, doesn't make me lose weight. Doing nothing makes me gain weight.

Huh. Who'da thought?Today my jeans were so tight that there was a good three or four inch gap between the zipper when I just let them go. I had to really work to get these babies on. And now of course I feel like all of me is piling out of the top of them. Very nice. Sooo attractive.

And it means I have to face facts and accept that eating whatever I want, however much I want, not drinking any water and not exercising is not working for me.

Dang it.

Celebrate Your Body

2009-11-17T14:59:00.001-07:00

This post goes along the same lines as Ali's, in that we are beautiful and need to learn to love ourselves just as we are. How much healthier it would be to our minds if we simply celebrated our bodies--every ounce of us.

The story Ali used about the woman that spread lotion all over her body really struck me. At first I thought . . . NO WAY! How disgusting. There is no way I could do that, but then something happened this weekend that made me rethink it.

A friend of mine said something to me that made me remember how I've always molded my life around what other people thought I should be like, who they thought I should be and lived how they thought I should live. My Father told me almost every day that no man could ever love a woman that was fat, like me. I've let those wounds fester and destroy certain parts of my life, especially my self esteem and I am so tired of it. I'm sick of hearing his voice echo in my head.

As I was sitting in church on Sunday, giving this a little more thought and wondering how I was going to be able to put myself in the public eye in order to promote my book, I realized something. I don't care anymore. If I'm not liked just as I am, too bad. Yes, I'd love to be healthier and I certainly need to build up my stamina and there is no doubt I'd like to fit into some great clothes, but not for anyone but ME.

So, today I celebrate my body . . . just as it is . . . every single ounce of it.

Learning to Love Yourself

2009-11-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Jen wrote this amazing article today about whether you can lose weight simply by loving yourself.

Essentially, Jen references a pair of women who were featured on our local news the other night. These women practiced "self-acceptance"--the art of loving your body, accepting it in its imperfect state, and quitting the constantly-on-a-diet roller coaster.

I found this possibility fascinating. It resonates with truths that I believe in and have only just recently been starting to recognize.

Once I heard a story of a woman who's doctor advised her to lovingly spread lotion on her body twice a day. She was morbidly obese and at first the thought of not only seeing her naked body but touching it filled her with dread. As she had gotten heavier and heavier she had seriously disconnected from her body, barely acknowledging it in her daily hygiene routine.

Yet, she faithfully began the practice her doctor recommended. At first she was disgusted, then she grew more accepting. Her skin became smooth and supple, moisturized by the twice-daily lotion.

But soon, she began to notice something else.

She enjoyed the moments of quiet attention to her body. And her body slowly responded to the love by releasing much of the weight she'd been hanging on to for so long.

That story has lingered in the back of my mind for some time now. But now, after reading Jen's article, it's jumping to the forefront, demanding I pay it some attention.

I really love the notion of self-acceptance. Of loving yourself even in your imperfection.

But the idea also kind of frightens me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I really don't love myself? Certainly not my body.

My body has always betrayed me. I couldn't break bones when I tried to so I could get attention from my family when I was little. I enjoyed sex taken from me by an abuser. I've always used my body as a weapon--against others, against myself, to punish, to control.

I know, maybe a bit too much information. But this is a safe place for me. A place to face these scary truths. Because they are mine. And hey, maybe this is the first step in finally accepting myself. In finally coming to love myself, from the inside out.

My Relationship With the Scale

2009-11-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

Every morning I walk into the kitchen and open the pantry door. I'm not only greeted with a variety of food I shouldn't eat, but also my scale. That's right people. I keep my scale on the floor in my pantry. What better place. I literally have to scoot it to the side or step on it to reach out for food. Too bad it doesn't grab hold of my foot and tackle me to the floor when I choose something from the shelf that's going to make me gain a pound or ten.

So, there I stand, face to face with the evil numbers that seem to rise and fall with no sense of rhyme or reason. Will the numbers make me happy or depressed? It seems that the scale has complete control of my life, my happiness, my emotions and self worth. How do I get past that? How do I tell myself and the scale that I am in control of my life and the food I put into my mouth? And most importantly, how do I gain control and get this stinkin' weight off? I guess if I had all the answers I'd be making the big bucks, eh?

Must I Always Feed My Pain?

2009-11-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

I've had a kind of rough weekend that hasn't gotten any better this sunny Monday. At every turn, I felt like I got socked in the gut until I lay on the ground in the fetal position. Not literally, but . . . you know.

So what did I do?

I ate a McDonald's Big Mac meal. Totally. Every single fry. Every single bite of burger.

And then I had a piece of apple pie with ice cream.

And you know what? I don't even feel done. If Skinny Man wasn't sitting right beside me, I'd be eating more.

So why do I feel like I need to feed my pain?

Some people care for emotional pain with exercise. Crazy amounts of exercise.

I once knew a woman who suffered from OCD to such an extreme she couldn't sleep if her house wasn't thoroughly cleaned. As in toothbrush-to-the-grout kind of clean. Her need for perfection extended to herself too--she exercised until her menstruation was interrupted, until she was losing weight at an alarming rate.

I guess a lot of us have issues, right? I used to look at my friend--perfect house, perfect body, perfect wardrobe--and think she was . . . well, perfect. Until I got to know her and learned that her perfection was her greatest shame. It was an illness, not perfection. Her perfection hurt.

You can't look at other people and know what pain their outward appearance may hide. People may look at me and wonder why I've let myself get so chubby, when if only I exercise, I'd look so cute.

Right. If only.

But I can't add my lack of will power to my really bad day. I'm burdened enough as it is. So for tonight, I'm going to feed my pain and not beat myself up for it.

A Plane Crash Didn't Make Me Fat

2009-11-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

In fact, it wasn't an accident at all.

I chose each and every one of those bites of tasty food. I chose to skip all those workouts.

Recently I heard about Stephanie Nielsen, a popular blogger who was in a plane crash with her husband. Both of them suffered serious injuries as a result of the accident, with Stephanie being burned over (I believe) 89% of her body.

Stephanie's blog from the other day struck me to the core. She wrote about her sorrow at not being able to recognize herself in the mirror anymore. About her desire to be beautiful.

What happened to Stephanie was not her fault. She was dealt a bad hand and she's making the most of it. She's fighting her way back to health and a new kind of beauty--the kind that radiates from the inside out.

But what happened to me, is my fault. I chose my path, every step. If, when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see, it is because I've fashioned the mask that I wear out of guilt, insecurity, loneliness, despair, laziness, anger . . . I've covered myself with feelings so I can no longer see the girl that lives inside of me.

The beautiful girl that wants to shine. Me.

Stephanie can't undo the damage that's been done to her body. She has no choice but to accept and live.

I, however, have every choice. I have the ability to completely undo all the bad choices I've made and make myself beautiful once more.

YIKES!

2009-11-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

Man oh man, did I get an eye opener. I went to a book launch party for a fellow author Tuesday and took a few pictures of me and my writing buddies. Loaded up the pics this morning and EEEK! Let's just say I need to lose more than just a few pounds.

Yep, that would be me there on the left. Can't even see Ali cuz my tummy is covering her. At least you can see her beautiful face. Isn't she cute?
The other two in the picture are writing friends, Kimberly Job and Daron Fraley.
Both gorgeous and talented, I might add.

So, once again, here I go looking for some kind of diet that will work for me and promising to exercise everyday. Sheesh! There's got to be something that works here.

Just put the fork down!

Did anyone hear something? Could have sworn I heard a voice from the distance.
Oh, well. I'm off and running (waddling).

The More the Merrier

2009-11-01T19:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes that's not always true. More fat does not make me merrier. But more chocolate does.

More aches and pains on my over-burdened body does not make me merrier. But more chocolate does.

And right up there with chocolate is friendship. More friends definitely make things merrier. Especially when they are the right friends.

Well, I've invited a friend to join me here and I know you'll agree--she's definitely going to add a lot to this party.

Meet, Christine Bryant. Writer extraordinaire, and fellow fatty. She told me she likes to collect funny pictures and cartoons of fat people, so I know she'll liven things up around here. This is what she said to tell you . . .

"I'm funny, gorgeous, smart, talented, beautiful, skinny and....honest."

Just you wait and see . . . I know you're gonna love her just as much as I do. Welcome Chris!

Things That Make Me Fat

2009-09-27T14:32:00.000-06:00

My apologies for not writing in so long. It's not that I'm totally skinny now and don't need to think about my weight. No, no, it's not that at all. It's just that . . . I haven't wanted to look at my weight issues too closely, ya know?

Recently, a local news station ran a bit about the dangers of taking hCG without a doctor's care and my "pusher" (lol) has decided she doesn't want to be a drug dealer and so she's not going to facilitate getting the medicine anymore. I wasn't even really sure I wanted to, I don't know. I loved it the first time round when I really worked the program the way I was supposed to. But didn't like it so much the second time when I was a bit more carefree with the restrictions.

However, I liked knowing it was still an option for me. I'm quite sure I won't be signing up with a local weight weight loss clinic for $200 a pop. No, probably not.

Yet, the bulk (ha!) of the weight remains and my issues with it still remain. I have been really good at not binging for quite some time, but . . . I still have things that make me fat.

I stay up late and sleep in late, leaving no time for exercise in the morning (really my only time for exercise because I home school and then we're on the run until evening and then I'm too exhausted to exercise.)
I like food that's bad for me. I like hamburgers and fries and we eat out a lot. Way, way too much. Because my family, and I, like it. And I don't want to choose a salad, I want the hamburger.
We eat out a lot. Mainly because I get tired or stressed or I haven't adequately planned the week's menu. Or I planned, but I failed to get groceries. It's like sabotage. Oh gee, there's nothing for dinner, guess we should eat out!
Sometimes I just like to pop something into my mouth. Cookies work really well for this. They're small, yummy, and easy to grab and go. Fruits take far more work, plus they are bigger, and sometimes I don't want to eat that much. So I just eat crap instead.
I can't resist nighttime snacking when Skinny Man brings out the Fritos or ice cream. I don't always have what he's having, but his snacking awakens my own desires and I just. can't. resist. must. snack.
I don't drink nearly enough water. 'Nuff said.

Because there's nothing more fun that beating a dead horse, I'm back here again. Self-flagellation and all that. (So, I'm a dead horse? Hmm . . . might explain a few things.)

This week I'm going to work on 1 and 6. Going to bed at a decent time, getting up early, and drinking water. I'm not going to say how much, just more will suffice.

If you're reading this, where are you in your weight-loss journey? What's working for you? Or how will you, like me, start over, again?

Cheating on the hCG Diet

2009-07-19T21:21:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, this time round has not been a walk in the park.

It's the chicken and the egg argument all over again. Am I hungry so much because I've been cheating a little? Or has the diet not been meeting my needs this time and so I've been cheating?

It's a conundrum, I know.

I've been on the diet for two weeks now and I'm suffering, man. I've had pizza, I've had a bowl of cereal, I've had some popcorn. Bad, bad, bad.

I've lost almost six pounds, but seriously? Come on, that's lame.

I'm trying to focus and tough out the last week of the low-cal part of the diet, but tomorrow's my birthday so, yeah ... not feeling all the confident. But I'm gonna try. Seriously.

I really wanted to get to 155 this round of the diet. That's five more pounds and I've only lost 5.5 in two whole weeks, so I'm not sure how confident I am that I can meet that goal. *sigh*

Maybe it's because I don't have any friends doing the diet with me with this time. Last time, I shopped with friends, shared meal ideas, shared meals even. Definitely, those things were a big help last time and I really miss them. I feel so weak without a friend to support me.

So it hasn't been a stellar go at the diet this time and I can definitely see how some people might hate the diet if this was how their first attempt went. Luckily, my first time was excellent, so I'm not ready to write the diet off because I'm having a bad couple of weeks.

Even if I weren't to lose any more weight than the near-six I've lost so far this round, this diet has still been a resounding success. I've lost almost twenty pounds in three months. That's not shabby at all.

Binging Blech

2009-07-06T18:15:00.000-06:00

I've started on my second round of the hCG diet. I'm on day two, which means I'm still in the major pigging-out stage. You'd think that would be awesome fun, right? Eating as much as of I want of all the bad-for-me stuff I love? Yeah ... not so much. What's happened to me?

Actually, I think what's happened to me is ... (shudder, gasp) my body likes being healthy.

I KNOW! This is why I wondered what in the world is happening to me? I LOVE eating bad-for-me stuff. Or ... I used to.

But today I've been battling a migraine all day and I've had diarrhea most of the day too. Rotten, sucky, stinky. The good new is, it makes me really look forward to starting on the low-cal portion of the diet tomorrow.

I felt so good on the diet, clean, healthy, lighter, happier. I'll try to enjoy the last of the pig-out, but ... it's not as much fun as it used to be.

Life After the hCG Diet

2009-06-29T17:17:00.000-06:00

It's been six weeks since I finished my last hCG shot and it has been easily as educational for me as the diet itself.

I've learned that my body really needs a low carb diet. The minute I start adding carbs to my diet, my weight jumps up and I feel rotten to boot. The good news is, the first time it happened to me I did that steak and tomatoes thing I told you about and the extra weight just popped right off.

I gained back two pounds, but have stayed at a consistent weight, still twelve pounds less than my starting weight for six weeks. I consider that a success. I start back on another round of the shots on Sunday and I'm looking forward to losing another ten to fifteen pounds. I had hoped the diet would be *more* successful, in that I hoped to lose in the twenties each round, but I'm really happy with how I've done. It just means I'll have to do the shots a few times as opposed to only twice like I'd originally hoped.

One of the reasons why I'm excited to start the diet again is because I need more practice making the good choices a part of my life. I've definitely improved--even Skinny Man noticed that I've been making better choices. But, I think I can only get better with more practice.

When I went on vacation a week or so back and we started eating crappy food. And man, I went insane. Holy Smokes. I ate like a madwoman. You'd think my husband had been starving me or something. Mostly, I pigged out on the bed late at night watching TV. I ate doughnuts and chips and chocolate bars. It was seriously bad. I thought my stomach would explode it was so full. And I'm talkin' more than once too.

I still don't know where that insanity came from, but I finally went "whoa" and got a grip. I wish I knew how I managed to do that because it's that fall from grace that scares me the most. That complete abandon of all that I know to be good and right. And that rebellious chick inside me who screams "I can pig out if I want to!" I have no idea what to do with her when she shows up.

But, like I said, I did get over it and it didn't do any damage to my weight and, I feel so good having kicked her in the behind and out of the house that I feel strangely empowered. I suspect she'll come back. I suspect she's like a teenager who never truly moves out. Just keeps coming back to do their laundry. But at least now I know I can kick her out and I can reclaim my sanity when she's gone.

Kinda nervous to start back on the diet again, but ... kinda excited too! Ten more pounds (or more)! Yeah!

Just a Little Update

2009-05-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

So, I finished the first phase, the part during which I took the shots and ate the 500 calorie diet, last Tuesday.

I was disappointed that I only lost thirteen pounds (I did drop another pound by the end of the week, so I'm at a little over fourteen pounds lost now.) I really had hoped for more. BUT, if you've read any of my posts here for the past several months, you know that losing ANY weight is a tremendous accomplishment. I need to focus on that and let myself feel proud and satisfied.

This next part of the diet doesn't have calorie restrictions, but is still a diet. No sugars and no starches/carbs. It's harder than it sounds my friends!

I'm finding it almost easier to stick with the restrictions of the phase one diet, because once I start letting in new foods, I find I start giving in and eating badly. I have cheated almost every day. Bad! I know! So far, I haven't gained back any weight, but I find I'm scared most every day that I'll gain back the precious pounds I lost.

There is a "trick" noted in my literature, that I'll pass on ... If you find that you've gained back two pounds, fast that day and then eat a large steak with tomatoes for dinner and nothing else. Supposedly you'll be back to your proper weight the next day. Haven't had to try that yet.

It's normal, they say, to fluctuate a little, but you shouldn't more than a pound. I've just been dancing around half a pound up and down.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. If you're doing the hCG diet, I'd love to hear from you about what's been working and what hasn't. I'll be doing another round in July and I'd love to be more successful than I was this time.

Tips & Tricks for Surviving the hCG Diet

2009-05-15T11:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't lost as much weight as I had hoped on the diet, but I still consider it a success. I have about five days left, I think, and so far I've lost thirteen pounds. Thirteen lost after several failed diet attempts is a giant success in my book! So, I thought I'd share some of the things that have helped me on this journey:

Your morning tea: buy a box of Chamomile (I bought Chamomile with honey and vanilla for a little sweeter taste) and a Fruit Tea Sampler. Mix it up every other day. One day, have the Chamomile. The next day, try something new from your sampler. The little bit of variety and the element of surprise changed what could have been a boring morning tea into something enjoyable.

Buy pre-cut and washed veggies and salad. Unfortunately for me, my grocery store only had salad and broccoli pre-washed and cut, but even that has been a huge help. There will be many times when you'll be starving or in a rush and you'll look in your cupboard or your fridge waiting for something to pop out at you screaming eat me! Let that thing be your broccoli. :) In a pinch, I can stick a bunch of pre-prepared broccoli in a bowl, add a bit of water and nuke it for two minutes and I've got a yummy vegetable with no waiting. Helps a ton.

Make extra meat. Whenever you're making shrimp, or fish or chicken--whatever meat it is that you're preparing, make a little extra. Stick it in the fridge so when you are having that moment like I mentioned above, you can grab a little protein to go along with your broccoli. Two minutes and you could be sitting down at the table with a yummy lunch.

Lemon & Pepper seasoning. This stuff is fabulous! A friend of mine who had done this diet before recommended this seasoning and it has become a favorite of mine. I used to think steamed broccoli was boring unless it was doused in butter or cheese sauce. Now I love it freshly warm sprinkled heartily with Lemon & Pepper seasoning. Very yummy. Even my boys loved it. And super-duper healthy and good for you. Hurray!

Try new things. It can be really easy to just stick with broiled fish and salad. Broiled chicken and salad. Grilled steak and salad. Not that there's anything wrong with those things, but after three weeks (or longer) those simple meals can get pretty old. Try branching out a little. Make some soup. Try a new recipe, like the Baked Tilapia or Tangy Chicken. These simple recipes can make a big difference to your satisfaction level.

Buy a George Foreman Grill. Seriously. Buy one. I got mine, a small one, for $19.99 and it has been worth every penny. The other day I was in a bind ... had to eat fast. I got out my grill, grabbed a handful of medium pre-prepared shrimp from the freezer and threw them on the grill. The nice thing about this grill is that you don't need to spray it or use oil of any kind. You close the lid and it cooks your meat on the top and bottom with pretty grill lines so you don't even have to tend it. Three minutes later--the time it took me to grab some salad from the bag, chop up a tomato and throw some cucumber I had cut at a previous meal onto my plate--my shrimp was done. I tossed them onto my salad and enjoyed a yummy shrimp salad.

Salad Spritzers. These are not strictly legal on the diet, but I love them and they have made a world of difference for me. Just a couple squirts and you have enough to satisfy and add some variety to your salads. I have tried the Balsamic Breeze and Raspberry Bliss. The Balsamic was my favorite.

Be creative with your fruit. You are allowed fruit twice a day. I don't like grapefruit, but I think you're allowed a half of one twice a day. I do however like apples, oranges and strawberries, all of which are allowed on the diet. I bought two of each type of apple they had at my store. This way, I get a little something different each time. I've discovered some new favorites! Try a Granny Smith apple with that cinnamon sauce one night when you're in the mood for munchies. Or put a handful of strawberries in a bowl and sprinkle with Stevia--makes you feel like you're getting something special ... and you are!

Exercise. Yes, exercise. I know how much we love that word. But really? If you're losing weight, and starting to feel in control again ... you won't mind exercising so much. I swear. And the nice thing about this diet is they don't expect you to go crazy. Just walk. It's all you have to do, but it will help with the weight loss--never mind the emotional ways that exercise helps.

And Water. Drink lots of it.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I hope this helps! If you come up with any tips & tricks of your own, will you please share? We'd love to hear them.

Also, Kristi mentioned that she's concerned about the emotional eating. Twice while doing the hCG diet, I have had days where I really wanted to cheat. Really. I can't say how I managed to not give in, but I did. Remember "This too shall pass." Eat an orange. The tactile experience of it, and it's sweet juiciness seems to be particularly satisfying for me when I'm feeling the need to pig out. And, if you cheat a tiny, tiny bit (like I did with my two Rollos last week when I was feeling sad) it's not the end of the world. Just don't do it again :)

Good luck!

Gotta Hate That Emotional Eating Thang

2009-05-09T22:45:00.000-06:00

Today was hard.

I have a wonderful family who normally spoil me silly on special occasions. Perhaps I've become a brat or something, but this year they are letting me down.

Also in past years, we've been so broke around Mother's Day and my birthday (which is in a couple months) that there hasn't been much to spend on gifts. I've always been fine with that. But I have to admit that this year, knowing we weren't so tight, I was looking forward to a little spoiling.

I gave plenty of suggestions well in advance of this weekend. Plenty reminders that Mother's Day was coming up, lol. But it wasn't until today that Skinny Man decided to go shopping for me. But that's not the problem.

The problem was he took me and the boys with him (why did I have to go?) and just kept asking me what I wanted.

Well, if you're a girl, you know that this is not how it's supposed to work.

Finally I got frustrated--not angry, just sad, really--and told them that I loved them and I didn't like feeling that they were only out to get me a gift to give me something. I'd be happy with some extra lovin'. If they didn't have any idea of what to get me, then they shouldn't get me anything. Ya know?

Of course you know that I was also not telling the truth, right?

Sure, I want the extra lovin' and I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want, for a moment, to feel like a Queen in my home. But, I also like gifts. :D

So I dropped everyone off at home and went out to get groceries. And I had an epiphany.

I was craving sweets, treats ... anything that I could shove in my mouth. I ate two Rollo's which took a great amount of self control not to eat more, but still ... it shouldn't have happened at all.

I found myself hoping they weren't home when I returned so that I could sit down with a bag of Doritos and pig out. That would have been bad on so many levels. It might have single-handedly ruined my efforts on my diet. It would have left me feeling hated (by me) and punished (by me) and icky in general. It would have disappointed Skinny Man who has been so proud of my progress.

I did not come home and pig out. Aside from those two little Rollo's I did not have anything illegal today.

But I found it so interesting that in the face of feeling let down by the ones I love, my reaction was to punish myself.

Why? What would I accomplish, psychologically speaking, if I were to do that? Prove that I'm unlovable? And that they have good reason not to spoil me because I am so unlovable? To hurt myself so they would feel sorry for letting me down? For driving me to pig out?

I think both, really. I wanted Skinny Man to feel sorry--to realize that he had an opportunity to really make me feel loved, and instead he made me feel like I--and this special day--was just an afterthought.

And I wanted to punish myself because I hate feeling so needy that I have to drive my family into caring for me, into loving me. Am I that horrible? That rotten that people wont' just love me and show me they love me? Not unless I hold their strings, like puppets, and make them?

I need to believe in myself more.

I know Skinny Man loves me. I know it. He doesn't always show me in the way I want him to, but he shows me in his own way and it is no less because of that.

I know Thing 1 and Thing 2 love me. They treat me with respect and always give me love and kisses. Why should Mother's Day be special when every day with them is special? Sounds corny, I know, but my boys are very affectionate and are often telling me how much they love me. Why do I need a day to prove it to myself?

I shouldn't.

I am loved. These three people love me. I would do them honor, and my Father in Heaven, if I would only love myself as well.

hCG Diet Day Eleven

2009-05-07T20:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't lost that much this week and I've been a bit discouraged by that. However, I also haven't been regular. You'd think that wouldn't be a problem eating so much roughage and all, but somehow it is. Apparently it's a normal side-effect of the diet. Go figure.

I've started taking supplements call BX-93. You can find them in a health food store or probably in a good pharmacy. They have helped me go a little, but I'm sure still not enough. Hopefully soon, the problem will correct itself.

Nevertheless, I've still lost a total of 9.2 lbs and that's freakin' awesome.

I haven't lost that much in over three years doing traditional diets and exercise, so I am very happy with these results. I just ordered a second round that I will do after the appropriate rest once this one is done.

So far, I've had two difficult days. I don't remember the first one too well, but the second one was today. I wanted a Big Mac so bad I was practically salivating, lol. I wanted to stick things in my mouth--cookies, treats, chips, you know the stuff. I am so amazingly proud of myself to say I did not give in! I swear, I deserve a medal.

And I will get a medal--when I am done with the second round and have succeeded in dropping a ton of weight I'm going to seriously reward myself. Oh yeah.

Oh, and on the difficult day line of thought ... I think the culprit is low blood sugar, because once I ate, I felt much better and not at all like I needed to cheat. It was the getting to eat that I was so tempted, not afterwards. So, yeah, I think it was blood sugar. A simple sugary drink, like juice or even sugar in water, or even a teaspoon of sugar would have remedied the problem quickly and I probably would have felt much better.

But I survived, without cheating, and I'm doing much better now. Whew! I am a little worried about date night tomorrow night. Normally we like to go to a movie, eat a personal pan pizza each, and have a huge bag of popcorn (buttered of course!) and a big pop. Tomorrow we'll go out for dinner instead and I'll have a steak and big salad and steamed veggies. I am so looking forward to this, I can't tell you! I'll bring a cut apple to the movie with me so I have something crunchy and satisfying to eat. I'm hoping that will help offset the craving for popcorn.

Alright then, some recipes, shall we?

I've tried two more that I really like:

Baked Tilapia

Ingredients:

4 Tilapia Fillets (100 grams each)
1 large or 2 med Vidalia onions, sliced 1/4" thick (I skipped this part altogether)
4 Tbsp chopped Basil, or Tbsp dry Basil (I actually didn't have any Basil, so I just used dry Taragon--I think I will like it better with Basil, but the Taragon was okay.)
8 cloves chopped or pressed garlic (I used minced garlic from the jar and used 4 tsp)
2 medium tomatoes, sliced 1/4" thick

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Peel and slice onions. Saute onions in nonstick pan until translucent, add a little water.
In a shallow baking dish, place fillets over onion slices (since I did not make onions, I very lightly sprayed the bottom of the dish with olive oil baking spray which is technically illegal on this diet, but ... oh well.) Sprinkle Garlic and basil over fish. Place tomato slices on top. Salt and Pepper to taste.
Place pan with fish in center of oven, uncovered, for 35-45 minutes until fish is white.

This recipe makes four servings--put three of them into individual containers and you've got an easy and quick fix for days when you're in a rush. Enjoy one fresh from the oven!

Yummy Vegetable Soup

Ingredients:

1 32 oz. container of organic, fat free, Vegetable Broth
1/2 quart bottled Tomatoes or buy organic with nothing added
8 cloves of Garlic, pressed or chopped (you know me, only bottled will do!)
1 large chopped Onion (I don't like onions much, but I just bought one big white onion--which I discovered has a very mild flavor which appealed to me. I used half of it for this recipe.)
400 grams of Chicken, Beef or Venison
chopped Celery
chopped Cabbage
chopped Broccoli
any other legal Vegetables you want to add
Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions:

Bring broth and tomatoes to boil, while sauteing meat with onions in nonstick pan.
Add meat and onions to broth mixture.
Add additional vegetables, except broccoli.
Simmer until vegetables are cooked through.
Turn off heat, then add chopped broccoli, let sit with lid on for 5 minutes.
4 servings, place in individual containers.
Yummy with Melba toast!

I LOVED this soup! It was delicious and made six servings for me, not just four. I've so enjoyed having a fast and easy something to make for lunch or dinner that is so yummy and satisfying. This was easily as good as any 'non diet' soup I've had. Very flavorful and awesome! Enjoy!

hCG Diet Day Seven

2009-05-03T11:56:00.000-06:00

Wow, I meant to post before now. Sorry.

They said to expect some mood swings in my first week on the diet, due to the hCG in my system, but I've felt just fine. I have on occasion felt like I was suffering from low blood sugar--but I think that was usually due to me waiting too long between meals or something like that. I've also felt a little hungry from time to time, but that seems to be passing.

I've lost 6.8 pounds! Wowie! If I continue at this rate, I could lose 25 lbs. But I'm only hoping for 20.

The biggest problem I've had on this diet is boredom. I haven't been that creative with my meals--having mostly the same thing for dinner as I had for lunch. However, last night I mixed it up a little and oh wow, what a difference!

So here's what I've been up to:

You begin with the shots, but for the the first two days you PIG OUT. I was lovin' the diet then! And I mean, totally pigging out. A license to eat whatever you want, as much as you want. If I understand the science right, (wait--I think I might have said this already in my last post. Sorry!) when you first take the medicine, your body sets your metabolism. The more you eat during those first two days, the more fuel your body will know it can burn.

Then on the third day you start the real diet. 500 calories a day. But your body is still burning what you told it it could during those first two days. Perhaps as much as 2500 calories--taking 2000 of those from your fat stores.

I did great on the pigging out! Of course I did ;) I'm an expert.

For the 500 calorie a day part:

I drink a cup of herbal tea in the morning. I bought a package of chamomile with honey and vanilla and a sampler package. I alternate between the chamomile and something different from the sampler. I do find it kind of hard to go from breakfast to lunch--I was a big breakfast eater before.

For lunch you can have some protein--super lean something, like fish, chicken, or beef. I haven't had any beef so it's just been fish and chicken. Grilled. Boring. I need to branch out. I forgot I bought some shrimp that I need to use. And I need some lean beef--I've been totally craving beef lately.

You can also eat as much of a couple vegetables you want, like salad with cucumbers, radishes and broccoli. This is basically what I've been living on for the past week. Like I said ... boring. Oh, and no dressing really, except I've been using a little bit of a balsamic vinegar spritzer. Then one Melba toast or four soda crackers.

Dinner? The same as for lunch. Boring.

Oh, and you can have an apple, an orange or a handful of strawberries with or between lunch and dinner (so two times you can have a fruit.)

Nevertheless. I said I could do anything for three weeks if I was seeing results and I'm still singing that tune. Plus, last night I tried some new things and realized that flavor was what I was missing.

So here's the two recipes I tried that I loved and added a lot more satisfaction with my diet.

Tangy Vinegar Chicken

Ingredients:

100 grams chicken breast
1/4 c. chicken broth or water (I just used water)
1/4 c. apple cider vinegar (next time I make this I will likely cut back a smidge on the vinegar as it was VERY tangy.)
2 tbsp. lemon juice
2 tbsp. chopped onion (I skipped the onion, as I'm not a huge fan)
1 clove diced garlic (I used a tsp. of pre-minced)
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

In a small saucepan combine vinegar, stock/water, onion, garlic, salt and pepper. Add chicken and cook thoroughly. Deglaze the pan periodically with a little water to create a sauce.

I have no idea what deglazing is. Mine was pretty watery, so I just turned the heat up a bit so it would thicken a bit. It was still pretty watery, but it tasted and smelled so good. I had no idea just smelling and anticipating something would add to it's satisfaction so much.

For dinner last night I had steamed broccoli, a green salad with cucumber and tomatoes (and balsamic vinegar spritzer) and a chicken tender using the tangy chicken recipe. It was very satisfying.

Then later in the evening I wanted a snack. For several days I had a handful of strawberries with a little stevia sweetener. But then they were gone :( So last night I had an apple, but I thought I'd branch out and try something new again:

Apple Slices with Cinnamon Sauce

Ingredients:

1 sliced apple
3 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
1-2 tsp. cinnamon (I used 2 tsp. but next time I'll try 1 1/2--it was a little strong)
dash of nutmeg
powdered stevia to taste

Directions:

In the microwave or small saucepan, heat the liquid and spice ingredients together, stirring constantly. Serve in a small dipping bowl and serve with chilled apple slices or other fruit.

Now I know that it will really pay to try some new recipes and not just go with the plain Jane stuff I've been eating.

Only two more weeks to go and I'm feeling confident that I can do this.

Oh, and I was asked about where I got my injections. A friend of mine, Gypsy, has done this diet before at a clinic. This time, she ordered the medicine and supplies online from a London pharmacy. I'm sorry I don't know any details. I know she did a lot of research to find one that was reputable and safe.

Breaking My Own Rules

2009-04-26T22:22:00.000-06:00

I hate diets. In fact, I despise them.

Why? Because I suck at them. And I'm nothing if not one who needs reciprocated love.

I loved Weight Watchers until I didn't lose anything more than a quarter pound that kept leaving and returning, but never staying gone for long. I believe they call that fluctuation.

I loved South Beach and stayed on it for nearly two months before giving up. I lost a whopping two or three pounds on South Beach, even after denying myself all my sweet treats and happy-making-meals for what felt like eons.

But today, I started a new diet.

I know, slap me. But I really do have hopes for this one. Why do I think it might work? Because I'm doing it with a handful of friends and we're going to meet once a week to check in, help each other, offer tips and support. Also, it's a very strict diet but it only lasts for three weeks AND you lose a lot of weight during that time. So I'm thinking that especially if I'm seeing results, I can do anything for three weeks.

What is this remarkable diet? Well, it's the hCG diet. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I'm doing it, because I'm not normally one to fall in with fads. However, a couple of my friends have done it (two of them are doing it again with me this time) and they have both had success in losing weight and in keeping it off for over a year. And ... I really need something to give me a boost.

So, today I started the diet. What it entails is a daily shot of hCG--the hormone women produce when they are pregnant. The drug tricks the body into thinking that it is pregnant and starts burning a ton of calories--something like 2500 a day.

For the first two days, you eat like a maniac. Anything and everything you can possibly consume. The more, the better. I'm not one hundred percent clear on why you do that, but I think it has something to do with tricking your body again. Your body is not only pregnant, but is also getting so many calories, it starts to burn them in earnest. Except on the third day, and for the next three weeks, you consume so little that your body's ramped up calorie-burning needs turn to your fat stores instead.

Anyway, so far so good, right? I mean, I love the gorging part. We'll see how the actual super-low calorie diet part goes--that starts on Tuesday. Don't judge me--please. Just, wish me luck, okay?

You Can't Trust A Thing I Say

2009-04-15T12:09:00.000-06:00

And by now, you've probably figured that out.

When it comes to myself and my health, you just can't trust me.

I haven't been reading the scriptures and talks I said I would. I haven't been watching what I eat. Like I said, I'm a bad, bad girl.

I have however, been exercising. I KNOW! Go figure. I can't explain it either. It's just been happening.

Nothing more to report just now, I just wanted you to know I hadn't yet eaten myself to death, so I guess that's something.

A Perfect Brightness of Hope

2009-04-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

Only a couple of months behind my goal, I'm now working on step two of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' twelve step program for overcoming addiction. This step is all about Hope.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life"

(2 Nephi 31:20.)

At General Conference this past weekend, President Monson said, "Fear not, the future is as bright as your faith." If you have a perfect brightness of hope, then you will be blessed.

But how do you get faith? How do you nurture hope? This is a mystery to me.

I want to have faith that I can get better. I want to have hope in Christ. But sometimes I just don't manage to make it happen.

Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talked at Saturday's session of Conference about addiction to food. He gave suggestions on how one can overcome the temptations of life. Elder Pearson also talked about the 6 Destructive D's that put us in Satan's power and ruin our lives. I related to both of these talks--I'll watch for them in the upcoming Ensign so I read and ponder them more.

In the meantime, I intend to read my scriptures more in an effort to feast upon His words. I want to let Him help me. I know He can. I know He would want to--the thing that keeps Him from me is not Him at all, but only myself.

The other night as I was saying my prayers, I felt like I couldn't make my prayer heard, like I was only talking to myself. And I didn't know what to say anyway. It's the same old thing all the time--just more of me saying I can't do this alone, but almost while asking for help thinking to myself that He won't help me because I'm not worthy.

When I lay down in my bed after saying my prayer, the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" came flowing into my mind. And not just any part . . .

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;

I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

This was the answer to my prayer that I had asked for. I believe Heavenly Father answered me through this hymn. This is what He would tell me, if He were here face to face. He would tell me I can do this--I can do anything that is good and right. Because He will ever stand with me, He will strengthen and help me.

He will hold me up with His righteous, omnipotent hand.

So, there is hope, after all.

Mercy

2009-04-01T11:15:00.000-06:00

"And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved"

(Alma 32:13.)

I found this scripture so interesting because there is also another scripture in which we are told that we must not be compelled in all things. And yet, the Lord sees fit to compel us to be humble. I think He does that because He wants to be able to grant us his love and mercy, but we will never accept those things unless we are first humble.

And none of us, really, wants to be humble.

You know what I mean--we want to be beautiful, smart, charming, sexy. We don't want to feel like we are the exact opposite of these things, and yet, that's what brings us to our low, helps us be humble. And from there, we look up and ask for help.

From there, if we are open-hearted, we can receive the mercy that Father wants so badly to give us.

I am working on this. Oh man, I'm working on it. It's so hard because I always just feel unworthy of His help. But then I read this scripture and am reminded that He loves me and that He wants to help me. He is a merciful Father, and He knows my every challenge, my every need.

A Righteous Struggle

2009-03-30T12:56:00.001-06:00

I was going to complain about the struggle I am having with this whole thing, but then I realized, at least I am still struggling. It could be worse. I could give up.

I haven't lost any more weight since those two pounds I lost when I first started this effort. However, I haven't gained them back. And I'm not giving up. And, honestly, I ate like a pig. Cookies? Bring 'em on. McDonald's? Sure, get me a Big Mac.

So how could I expect to lose weight eating like that, right?

Skinny Man gave me a blessing a week or so ago and I was instructed to make small manageable goals and I would be successful. So, while I'm tempted to go hog wild and add a bunch more restrictions, I'm not going to do that.

My goals remain the same as last week, and will until I get a hang of those things.

However, there is one thing I did not do last week that I am going to try to do better at this week: I am going to rely more on Heavenly Father and read the helpful scriptures and talks I have for each month for help and inspiration.

I will not give up.

Say it with me folks . . .

I weigh 130 lbs and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

Time To Get That Spark

2009-03-22T22:34:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm a pound off of my goal. I was disappointed to not see the scale dip this week, but I can't say that I'm surprised. After all, I did have a couple cookie-fests this week (thanks Girl Scouts!) and I suppose increasing your water intake and cutting back on night-time eating will only take you so far.

But, the more I think about it, the more I really, REALLY want to lose that twelve pounds by Memorial Day. And more, besides. I WANT this. I don't want to quit.

I CAN DO THIS.

I think.

No, really. I can.

Probably.

So here's my goals for this week:

Drink 6 glasses of water a day.
Do not eat past 8:00 p.m.
Go to karate twice.
Exercise at home once.
Track what I eat.

I'm not going to make an official effort to eat less yet. I just want to get into the habit of tracking what I eat. I found a wonderful program that helps you track what you eat, and your exercise, and find wonderful support ALL FOR FREE. Yes, for free! I know! Like what can you get for free these days, eh?

And I'm not pulling your chain here either. I've been 'on' this site for several months now, I just haven't been committed. But now I am. Oh yeah, baby.

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . .

SparkPeople!!!

So what's the mystery? I'll tell ya . . . SparkPeople really does seem pretty dang amazing. Check it out. It's easy and fun to use, really does seem to have amazing resources and, like I said, it's all FREE.

That little voice in the back of my head is trying to tell me I can't do this. And the thing is, by myself, I certainly couldn't do it. I love food way too much, hate exercise way too much, and generally don't think a whole lot of myself--all of which spells disaster when it comes to losing weight.

BUT, my Father in Heaven loves me, He seems to think a great deal about me and for the first time in my life I think He might have an interest in helping me. For the first time, I think I might be ready to let Him.

Choose

2009-03-20T10:57:00.000-06:00

For Honesty, the Church's Twelve-Step program recommends reading "Addiction or Freedom" by Elder Russell M. Nelson.

Most of the article isn't relevant for me since it's specific for drug addictions, but I was able to read it with an open mind and glean some wonderful things from it.

Elder Nelson says:

"This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail."

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that my will can prevail. He goes on to say,

"Healing doesn't come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure."

It's kind of scary to think it could take as long to heal as it took me to become sick. I mean, I think I've been 'sick' like this most of my life. But it does give me hope that even if I can't all of sudden become a good eater, a good steward of my body, that if I keep trying, keep walking in the right direction, then one day, I will be well again.

Elder Nelson offers a 'spiritual prescription' to help us regain our health and wellness again:

1. Choose to Be Alive. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you in return. Cheer up your hearts.

"The choice for life brings an outlook of optimism. It breathes hope. It rekindles self-esteem--regarding one's body as a timeless trust. And it awakens a personal commitment to "see that ye take care of these scared things, . . . that ye look to God and live."

2. Choose to Believe. This is sometimes the hardest one for me. I believe in God and I know that He loves me, but I often fall short of believing that He will help me. But if I really think about it, about how He truly is my Father and that He is a loving parent, I realize that He would never let me down if I asked sincerely for His help. What parent would?

3. Choose to Change. "How long will ye suffer [yourself] to be led by foolish and blind guides? Yea, how long will ye choose darkness rather than light?" (Hel. 13:29.) I choose to change.

4. Choose to Be Different.

"Thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation." (D&C 89:4.)

"The Word of Wisdom is a spiritual law. To be obedient He proclaimed: "I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them." (D&C 89:21.)

The thing about the Word of Wisdom is, that it says "to be used with prudence." I want to be more obedient to this law. I am not putting anything into my body that contradicts it's dictates, but I am not careful to partake in moderation. This is where I need to improve.

5. Choose to Exercise. Exercising the body and spirit is freeing. It cheers us and gives us hope.

6. Choose to Be Free. "Leave behind "an iron yoke, . . . handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell." (D&C 123:8.)" Oh, how I want to do this! I truly feel trapped by my food addictions. I want to be free!

I Am Filled

2009-03-17T16:52:00.000-06:00

I am often "encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." I hate myself for it. I struggle with myself, like a prize fighter who never wins the prize.

And when things do start to go well, when I start to think I can manage my life, my temptations, "my heart groaneth because of my sins."

"Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support" and He loves me.

"He hath led me through mine afflictions . . .; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep."

There is no shame that I cannot take to Him. There is no help He would withhold from me, if I but ask.

"He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."

I do not need to consume so much that I am filled from the inside out. I only need to turn to my Father in Heaven. He will fill me with His love, and, being filled, I will overcome my temptations that they have no hold on me.

This, I believe.

*everything in quotes is scripture taken from 2 Nephi 4:18-21.

Stuff Happens

2009-03-16T11:23:00.001-06:00

Namely . . . feelings happen.

Chocolate happens.

McDonalds happens.

Yeah, and that pretty much sums up why I didn't update my sidebar stuff last week and why I didn't lose any more weight last week.

But you know? It's all good.

I didn't GAIN any weight back, either. I know what went wrong last week and I do have the power to do it better this week. I shall prevail!

I'm still working through Step One, or Honesty, and last week I read Helaman 12:6. It reads:

"Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide."

I had to read that several times before I could really grasp what that meant to me. I think I've figured it out, but it's also still rattling around in my head, looking for a more firm purchase.

For me, it means that I am still hard-hearted and still forget or refuse to let my Father in Heaven help me. And yet, He is great, and He has mercy toward me. He wants to help me. He is kind and good. He loves me.

I think why this concept is hard for me to grasp is because I have difficulty loving myself, so why should Heavenly Father love me, let alone want to help me?

If I am so weak, constantly giving in to my cravings, why should He want to help? Why not throw His hands up and be done with me already?

And yet . . . this scripture would seem to say, that His hand of mercy is stretched out toward me still. If I would but remember and turn my heart to Him, let Him help me, let Him love me . . . He will.

A New Week ~ A New Goal

2009-03-09T10:52:00.000-06:00

I did super last week!

I even lost two pounds. Isn't that amazing? It's tempting, when you've had some success, to do more and more--which, for a person like me, can spell disaster. I had been planning to do just that, but when I prayed about it, I felt that I should just increase my weekly goal by a very little bit.

Last week, my goal was to drink four glasses of water a day and to not eat past 9:00.

This week, I will drink five glasses of water and not eat past 8:30 p.m. I'm also going to stretch each morning and go to all three of my karate classes. Baby steps boys and girls! Baby steps!

I've also been doing a good job of saying my mantra to myself. It is a very powerful thing. For the first time in a long time I've been able to envision what I will look like when I'm all done. When I shower I can imagine the fat being washed off of my body along with the soap.

Sing with me "I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my bod, I'm gonna wash that fat right off of my. And send it on its way!" (courtesy of South Pacific, of course.)

When I look in the mirror, particularly after a shower when (gasp!) I'm naked, instead of scowling at my blubbery self, I smile and say my mantra. It's possible for me, then, to see where I still have curves and where my real self is hiding underneath.

I was thinking that for me, being fat, is like curling up under layers of warm, soft quilts. I go to hide in there when I don't want to face the world. When I'm feeling down and out, I just want to curl up in a ball where no one can see me because I'm so small. Or, hide under the quilts. I wonder if that's what I've done to myself. Covered myself up with layer upon layer of nice fat quilts so that I can hide my true self from the world. Hmm.

So it's a slow and sometimes painful process to peel back those quilts, but I'm starting to think it might not be so bad. And my mantra is helping me to believe that.

I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.

I Am A Masterpiece

2009-03-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

I will probably post this video on every single one of my blogs because it is just ... powerful.

In regard to my issues of my body and my untamed spirit that I have difficulty controlling, this video is inspiring to me. I am a masterpiece. You are. We all are. I am so grateful to know that I am a daughter of God. I want to start acting like one.

Bye, Bye Ugly Fat Girl

2009-03-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I read the first scripture in the twelve-step program. I think I'd read it before, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Like I said yesterday, I'm feeling pretty open-minded right now, which is an amazing thing.

I prayed for help last night. I feel good. I read the scriptures and I felt they spoke to me. Ahh. It's beautiful.

(I weigh 130 lbs., and I am beautiful, healthy and happy.)

The first scripture recommended is 2 Nephi 26:22:

And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.

Now, I know we already discussed this scripture, but the thing is, I wasn't really listening. Or my heart wasn't in it. Either way, I'm only now going "Hey, I get this!" I'm slow that way.

A cross reference for this scripture was 2 Nephi 28:21, and that was the one that really spoke to me when I read it:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

I tried to explain to my husband how this scripture made me feel, and I had a really hard time. I probably won't be able to do any better, but ... well, we're all sistah freaks here right?

So, I got this image of myself standing in front of the pantry door, hiding behind it, really, while I stuffed chocolates into my mouth. As one awesome commenter said, (Kristi? Jeri? Cindy?) Satan as few tools to use against us. He knows he's not going to catch me watching porn on my computer. He knows he's not going to help stuff pills down my throat.

He knows that he can defeat my sense of self, my self-value, my ability to believe in myself by continually working at demeaning me and my ability to control myself.

I have a mission here on earth. I was created to do a job. My own personal belief is that I need to be well and healthy to do that job. But regardless, I'm less likely to stand up with my arm raised saying "Here I am, Lord, send me" if I'm feeling like the ugly fat girl.

The ugly fat girl doesn't want anyone to look at her, let alone to be in charge of something, to lead ... anything.

The ugly fat girl doesn't believe in herself, so how is she ever going to really believe that God believes in her?

The ugly fat girl entirely lacks faith. Faith in herself, and by extension, faith in her Heavenly Father.

I do not want to be that ugly fat girl anymore.

I am closing that pantry door. I am cutting those flaxen cords. I will not give Satan a tool to use against me.

I am the ugly fat girl, no more.

Trust in God

2009-03-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone out there is looking for the third step in our journey to good mental, spiritual and bodily health, here it is:

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Submission of One's Will ~ "Insights From My Life", Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9.
Trust in God ~ Alma 5:13
I Will Come In To Him ~ Revelation 3:20
With God Nothing is Impossible ~ Luke 1:37
The Plan of Happiness ~ Alma 42:8
Reconcile To The Will of God ~ 2 Nephi 10:24
Submit Cheerfully ~ Mosiah 24:15
Fast and Pray ~ Helaman 3:35
Extending the Arm of Mercy ~ Mosiah 29:20
Thanks to God ~ Alma 7:23
Become As A Child ~ Mosiah 3:19
Thy Will Be Done ~ Luke 22:41-42

I am in an interesting place right now. Those positive mantras that I've been working on? Well, they are having a powerful influence on me. I am feeling happier, more beautiful, and I can, for the first time ever, see myself living a more healthy life with a much slimmer body. So, right now, I'm feeling like I want to go back and really try to do these steps. That hope that seemed so far away last month, seems within my grasp this month.

Yes, I am feeling hopeful.

Hunger

2009-03-02T21:12:00.001-07:00

I was listening to Dr. Laura today when a woman called her for help with a drinking problem.

Through their discussion it became apparent that this woman drank because it brought her closer to her parents, who were always out, drinking.

She hungered for their attention.

I had only been half-listening, until I heard that word.

Hunger.

It really struck me, hit me--hard. That I hungered for my mom's attention, for someone's attention, and so I ate. I hungered, and so I filled my hunger.

Anyway, I don't really feel like going into all the things I have hungered for, but this realization felt powerful and true to me today. Just wanted to share.

Uh Oh. She's Been Thinking.

2009-02-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

First of all, thanks to Jeri for the link to that excellent article. I read it. I am still pondering it. I may post on it in the future. Thanks again!

OK, so what have I been thinking about? Well, several things, actually.

A bunch of things have been colliding in my brain.

Jonathan Roche wrote an article for Flylady.com that said we needed to have specific goals, not vague ones. Specific goals have been proven to be more effective in motivating people so they actually reach those goals.
I re-read What To Say When You Talk To Yourself which says you need to say ten positive things to yourself for each negative thing you say because we are more likely to listen to the negative.
This book also says you need to be specific about the goal you want to reach. For instance, if you want to weigh 130 lbs, tell yourself you weigh 130 lbs, rather than saying you weigh 'less'. Be specific.
Another Flylady.com email this week suggested to us that if we set the goal to lose one pound a week, by Memorial Day we would have lost twelve pounds. Maybe that wouldn't make a huge impact on how we looked, but I can bet that it would make a huge impact on how we felt about ourselves.
I have a habit of failing at the diets I try. But baby steps might work.

So, I'm going to try something. I'm going to try a combo of the things I just mentioned. I've already said this out loud to my honey, so now I'm writing it down. I will not beat myself up if I slip up. I will not. I will not. I swear it. (Remind me of this if I forget, ok?)

I will lose 12 pounds by Memorial Day, 2009.
For every negative thing I say to myself or about myself, I will repeat a positive mantra ten times. An example of what I might say is "I weigh 130 lbs, and I am beautiful, healthy and happy."
For the next week I will drink four glasses of water a day. Currently I'm lucky to drink two--I know the goal is to drink eight or more a day, but for now, I'm going to concentrate on baby steps. So, four glasses a day for the next week.
For the next week, I will not eat past 9:00 p.m. Again, I know the goal is to not eat past 7:00 p.m., but I tend to like to eat late at night, so I'm going to start with a goal that I feel is within reach.

I am practicing have a positive attitude. I don't know how I'll do as I've failed lots and lots, but I do think these goals are doable, and even if I don't meet these goals, I think I'll be better off.

Care to join me?

What Is It With Diets Anyway?

2009-02-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

Kristi said something that just popped out at me. She said that whenever she actually tries to diet, her body totally rebels and she ends up going way overboard with food.

I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about today, but I knew I needed to get in here and write, to keep that connection, like I said I would. But my day totally sucked food-wise. At lunch I ate like ten chocolate chip cookies. Not becuase I was hungry, but because they tasted good and I was alone and well ... the best way to get them out of my face (so they can't taunt me anymore) is to shove them in my face.

But then I read Kristi's post.

And so I ask, what is it with diets, anyway?

What is it about diets that make bingers cringe?

I have no flippin' idea. If I knew that answer, I swear, I'd be a size eight once more and I wouldn't be here, that's for sure.

And you know? I'm mad as heck about it too. I hate that I don't have any clothes that don't show the little rolls in my middle. I hate the feeling of those rolls as my arms rest against them. I hate the fact that my breasts no longer look as big because they are competing with those same rolls.

I'm mad that while I can control what I say when I'm talking to people (and really want to tell them what I think but I control myself and instead say the polite thing), I can't control what I put in my mouth. I can control whether or not I clean my house, pay my bills, go grocery shopping and many other things that I hate doing. So why can't I stay on a diet?

Actually, scratch that.

I do feel in control.

But for some reason I haven't yet grasped, a part of me is choosing to stuff my face.

I can feel it. It does not exactly feel like being out of control. It feels like want, need, righteousness. I deserve it. I should have it.

Maybe, I'm a freak. Oh, and so is Kristi ;)

Are you a freak, too?

Protein Shake to Coffee Cake

2009-02-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up and I was bound and determined to have a good day. I started out my day with a protein shake. Yum...it was chocolate and actually tasted good. A few minutes later I was sitting at the computer fantasizing about chocolate. Huh...this can't be good. I just had some "chocolate" and I was not hungry per say. But I didn't give in. My friend called me and invited me over for a play date. She asked me if I had eaten breakfast, I told her "kindof", and she proceeded to make her coffee cake. Oh my heavenly goodness. The house smelled of cinnamon and sugar. When it came out I had to have a piece...besides it would be "rude" right? She told me that it was especially good with butter smeared all over the top. I had to try that. Oh my...3 HUGE pieces later I finally stopped. Wow...how did THAT happen? Protein Shake to Coffee Cake all in the matter of a couple of hours. If I even try to "diet" or eat right, something in my brain goes crazy and I end up doing way more damage than if I ate a regular breakfast. No more protein shakes that is for sure. I'll stick to my cereal thank you very much.

Hope. No Hope. Bob Hope?

2009-02-23T17:37:00.001-07:00

I have no clue.

I should really write every day again, because when I don't write you miss whole chunks of the inner workings that are the mysterious and wonderful me.

I wanted to write this whole thing about rebellion, but I'm not in that place right at this moment. I move around a lot. In the nice places, the rent is too high and I can't pay it for very long. In the decent places, the rent isn't bad but the upkeep is terrible and I'm lazy, so adios suckers! In the shabby places, well, you move around a lot, no one really gets to know you and it's safe, sort of, in a "I'm a total loser" sort of way.

Skinny Man has been home for a long stretch and life has been good. Until one day I grabbed a handful of chocolates and ate them right in front of him. That almost never happens. Usually I hide my naughtiness.

It was like I was thumbing my nose right at him, right at me, right at the sensible me who knew better.

I hid a piece of pizza in my lap and took sneaky bites when my boys weren't looking.

I ate the rest of my son's chocolate cake even though he said he wanted to save it for later.

Most of these I did do on the sly (and so many more) but I also have done a lot of eating right in front of Skinny Man. Like I said, I usually don't do that. I was and am shocked at myself. I'm breaking my own rules and it feels creepy and strange like I've hit a whole new low.

I haven't been praying. Not for help or hope or anything. I haven't been praying at all. I feel too ashamed to talk to my Heavenly Father. I figure, why would He want to hear from me when I can't even do the simple things He has asked me to do? I'm in a bad and yucky place :(

Don't be surprised if I post more often and it's stupid and boring. Hey, I'm not really here for you, remember? I'm here for me and because I hate writing in long hand and writing that just goes nowhere doesn't do it for me. I have to at least pretend that YOU are out there. And I must imagine you to be somewhat hostile, I guess too eh? Since I mistreat you so badly, lol.

I think I need to keep it real and the only way I can do that is to write about it all ... the ... time.

Sorry.

From Prayer to Burger King

2009-02-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ali was wondering how I am doing. So here it is folks. The truth. Last week I was reading Ali's post about asking Heavenly Father for help in this whole process. So I decided to give it a whirl. One night I was feeling really down on myself and beating myself up for all my lack of control I have in my life....related to food. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am the kind of person that once I say I am going to do something...I get...it...done. I am one serious booty kicker when it comes to all aspects of my life. Except Food!

So, I am laying in bed after an especially long day of emotional eating and realize that I can't do this alone. In my nightly prayers I pray and ask for help in this whole process. I am ready to conquer the world. Ummm.....errrr....not quite. I say my prayer, go to sleep, and 12 hours later I find myself at Burger King eating a Whopper Junior Value Meal. Huh...that didn't quite go as planned now did it? Nathan was out of school and wanted to go and play on the new play structure there, so of course we had to go and partake of the Burger King Goodness right? *sigh* I am sitting there wondering how I have no will power, even after praying, to even last one...single...day! Maybe I am not ready to commit? Maybe I am a total loser? Maybe I hide behind my fat, and will always be the funny fat girl? I don't know. I just know, that for now, I am not getting it done. I can say that things are more stressful because of my mother in law's cancer, but when is life not going to be stressful?

As I was sitting at my table in Burger King I was listening to a table full of skinny girls. They all had a couple of kids and were just adorable and so skinny! And here they were talking about losing weight. One girl said, "I need to lose 10 pounds! But if I lost 15, I would be like totally anorexic looking". Yeah...me too. NOT! 15 pounds would not even make a dent in my physique. It is interesting how we are all obsessed about our bodies and how we look. It is hard for me to fathom why those women would feel that way being a size 6, but hey...who am I to judge? Heartfelt prayer for help to Burger King 12 hours later. That has to be some kind of record.

Step Two ~ HOPE

2009-02-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

I love this step. Hope is what I need, man.

I have honesty down pat. I have absolutely no doubt, none, that I can't do this alone.

But what I'm not sure of is this: Is there really hope for me? Can I truly overcome this? Be better than myself?

I am definitely going to throw myself into this step and hope that I can come out on the other side better equipped for a happier and healthier future.

Hope

Perfect Brightness of Hope ~ 2 Nephi 31:20
Power of Deliverance ~ 1 Nephi 1:20
Believe in God ~ Mosiah 4:9
Faith in Jesus Christ ~ Alma 37:33
Help Thou Mine Unbelief ~ Mark 9:24
Find Grace ~ Hebrews 4:16
Power of Salvation ~ Alma 15:6, 8
Exercise Faith ~ Alma 32:27
Deliver Them Out of Bondage ~ Alma 5:5

Book Review ~ Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

2009-02-05T21:33:00.001-07:00

Or not.

I couldn't read it. I mean, I tried, and got through the first five chapters or so but then . . . I just couldn't keep going with it.

So, the book was not helpful to me. But maybe Kristi could do a review of it? She's read it tons, lol.

Still struggling with the basic realities of me, but I'm hanging in there. No new feelings, I don't think. No new problems or issues with me that I've identified. Just . . . hanging in there.

I wonder how Kristi's doing and how any of you are doing. I need to know I'm not alone in not being able to just snap my fingers and be new and different. Every morning when I wake up, I'm still just . . . me.

Not that that's a bad thing, I just lost the user manual on me too long ago to know how to make me run at the optimal level. One of these days I'll figure it out.

The "E" Word

2009-02-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm going to say it. I'll just whisper it though. Maybe it won't be quit so hard to hear if I whisper it.

exercise

It's not that I hate exercise. I like it fine, well sort of, when I'm doing it. It's the going to it, getting ready for it and anticipating it that I hate. Mainly, I hate feeling like I have to do it.

Have you figured out that I generally have a problem with anything that I feel obligated to do? Yep, I'm a rebel.

But here's the irony with exercise: You hate to go, but after you do it you always feel better.

AND, when you're exercising regularly you (and by you, I mean me) tend to eat better.

I know. Weird, right?

Except I did eat a bunch of pretzels tonight, but mainly . . . much better.

I've been doing karate regularly since the start of the year. I've been signed up for karate for, like, two years, but have skipped a TON. But I've been amazingly faithful in 2009. I'm rather pleased with myself.

Two to three times a week I'm going to kicking and shouting and punching and crunching and jumping and pushing. It is hard, hard work. And I am super fat and old.

But dang it, I feel great for doing it.

So, I'm just putting that out there. I know, you don't want anyone to tell you what to do, so I certainly won't. I'm just pointing out an interesting little relationship that I've noticed.

Doing that thing helps me not eat so much. I'm just sayin'.

Big Macs. Water, or no water. Chocolate Brownies.

2009-01-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

And that about sums up where I'm at.

There is not a single piece of fruit or vegetable in my house.

I was mad at my dog for eating half the pan of brownies NOT because he ate them and that was super naughty of him. No, I was mad at him because then *I* didn't get eat them.

BUT Skinny Man got home today, a whole day and a half earlier than expected so I'm a happy girl again. Maybe now I'll eat a bit better and take better care. It's a happy thought, anyway.

Sorry this isn't much of an update, but there it is. I'm still struggling. In general I am drinking more water than I did when I first started this blog. Then, like Kristi, I was lucky to get in ONE glass. Now I regularly drink four, give or take one. I still haven't been able to drink six regularly.

I've been going to karate pretty regularly and I eat better when I'm exercising. I feel better about myself and feel that burning need for filling a little less. But I still snuck a handful of chocolate kisses while my hubby wasn't looking and stuffed them in my mouth.

A work in progress, that's for sure.

I Am Weak. But I Am Not Alone.

2009-01-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have not been doing too badly since Skinny Man left town. Except, I've discovered the joys of mini M&M's and since we still had half a bag left over from Christmas treats, I've been discovering them a lot. It's not their flavor so much as the very satisfying crunch of their tiny size. See, now I'm thinking of them and diving for the last little package I have left. *sigh*

I'm looking at Alma 26: 11-12 tonight. It's late and I ought to be going to bed, but . . . I just wanted to read this scripture and ponder it for a minute. My bed is empty anyway :(

11. But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

12. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

It's funny, I had never before tonight considered this scripture in relation to my actual weaknesses. I had always thought of it as a scripture dealing with pride. Ammon was not prideful, because he knew to Whom he had to look for the blessings he had received. I didn't realize that he's also saying that he himself was weak, and without God's help, he could not have done the things he did.

Do you see the difference?

In the one instance you have a person who has done great things and you think "Wow, that guy has it all together," when in reality, that person is thinking "I couldn't have done this without God's help."

On the other hand, there's a person who's weak and "poor in spirit" as the topical guide reference for "nothing" says, and looks at the task he's been called to do and thinks, "Man, there is no way I can do this." Like Jonah, this person might think he should just run away, give up, surrender, because it's impossible for him to climb the mountain placed before him.

I always thought Ammon was the first guy. The I-can-do-it guy. I'm blown away at the idea that he was in fact the poor-in-spirit-guy and that maybe he doubted himself.

I'm a doubter too. I am poor in spirit too.

I know God can help people, and does help them. I know He has helped me in the past too. I just think, sometimes, that He won't.

That sounds crazy, I'm sure, because I would also say that I know He loves me. So if He loves me, why wouldn't He help me?

Why? Oh, probablly because I never ask?

Somehow, I think that's an important step.

My patriarchal blessing is relatively short compared to the few others I've had the priviledge of reading. It also blesses me with "happiness and joy" seventeen times. In addition, it says that "I will cause you to know that Jesus is the Christ, every day of your life."

If you know - I mean really know - that Jesus is the Christ, your personal Lord and Savior, every day of your life, you will, by extension, have happiness and joy. You will also, I believe, have happiness and joy because of that knowledge.

So why am I not claiming this blessing?

I desire to rejoice in my God. I do. If it were my child who needed help, I would ask, for him. I would go to the ends of the earth to find the help that he needed. Why then, do I treat myself so poorly? Why do I value myself so little that I can't find the strenght or the courage to ask for help for myself?

God loves me. I do believe that. He would want to help me, as I would want to help my child. Except in this case, He can't help me if I don't ask. It's like I'm a rebellious teenager, with my door shut and locked while my parent stands on the other side begging to be let in. "No," I cry. "You can't see me like this!" Except any good parent - and He is the best - loves us even at our worst. Even with tear streaked cheeks, blotchy skin, and chocolate smeared lips.

Tonight I'm going to open that door. I'm going to ask for help. Because, without Him, I am nothing. But with Him . . . well, who knows.

Typical Performance ~ It's All About Being Honest

2009-01-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was feeling guilty for my few readers here, that I hadn't posted anything in a while. And then I realized, hey, it's me. What else can you expect? Especially when it comes to food and my resolutions therein. I have no willpower. Haven't we covered that already?

Still, I said that I wanted to work on the Church's twelve step program, one issue or topic per month. This month is almost over and I've only managed to closely look at one of the twelve scriptures or talks that the Church recommends.

So I'm going to post them here so that you can take control over your own life, even if I am unable to control myself. I'm hoping to look at these before months' end, but I've learned to set my expectations low, especially when it comes to myself.

The Church recommends that we examine Honesty with relation to our food addiction, and suggests that, in addition to the Flaxen Cords (2 Nephi 26:22), the following resources can be helpful:

I Am Weak ~ Alma 26:11-12
Passion Unbridled~ 3 Nephi 12:30
Pride ~ Alma 38:12
God's Authority ~ Helaman 12:6
Temptations ~ 2 Nephi 4:18-21
"Addiction or Freedom" ~ Ensign, November 1988, 6
Man is Nothing ~ Moses 1:10
Hunger and Thirst ~ Enos 1:4
"We Believe In Being Honest" ~ Ensign, October 1990, 2
Compelled To Be Humble ~ Alma 32:13
The Lord's Delight ~ Proverbs 12:22

Skinny Man is heading out of town this week and after reading this list, I really want to read these scriptures and articles and apply them to my life. I know I'll feel better if let Heavenly Father help me. Maybe while he's gone, I'll try to read them and meditate on them.

Then again, maybe I won't. I said, no promises, right?

One Glass Wonder

2009-01-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially the "One glass Wonder". What does that mean? It means that I have successfully drank a single glass of water every day since my post. AND, a couple of days I drank two. Wow. Sometimes it is hard to deal with my own awesomeness. I am currently rewarding myself with a truckload of mint truffles. You do whatcha gotta do. Heaven forbid I actually get ahead of the game. :) Just thought I'd share the water love. Sharing is caring right?

Who's Got the Power? or The Devil Made Me Do It

2009-01-08T21:52:00.001-07:00

I haven't been doing what I said I would do. But really, how is that news? When it comes to caring for myself, I'm a rotten liar and serious slacker. I can't be trusted.

I have, however, gone to karate twice this week. But that in no way excuses me because I've eaten my weight in chocolate and pretzels, I think.

But, I said, I was going to work through the Church's twelve step program for addiction and I'd better get going because they have a lot of scriptures for us to cover.

To reiterate, the first step is:

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable.

The Church calls this first step,

Honesty.

The first scripture they recommend is 2Nephi 26:22:

Do you know what a flaxen cord is? It's a silky, golden rope made from a plant with delicate flowers. It's appearance would appear benign, it's texture soft and luxurious, it would slip around your neck and it would be desirable.

One string of flax is weak. A few are still weak. But many, bound together, are terribly strong and are virtually unbreakable. It's been used as a hangman's noose.

So the devil slips a flaxen cord about our necks and pulls us down into hell. For an addict, that cord is easy to create, easy to slip into place. The devil simply needs to figure out what is most desirous to us, what flaxen cord would we bend our necks for, inviting its silky softness against your tender skin.

For me, and, likely for you too, it's food. Imagine it: soft and smooth, it melts in our mouths like heaven itself. Chocolate. Or salty and crunchy we can munch and crunch it and exert all our feelings into the punch of each crunch.

But with each and every bite beyond what is healthy and good for us, we are allowing ourselves to be drawn down into hell.

We think it is our own personal hell, that we alone created it for ourselves. We think that because then we are free to punish ourselves for being so very bad.

But in all honesty, we are nothing. We are weak. It is the devil who has the power to deceive. It is him who desires to trap us by our own choices. We have bowed our necks so the flaxen cord can be slipped in place. However, it is the devil who holds the cord.

Recognizing that the devil holds the power, not you, that it is him who plots your destruction using your addiction as the weapon, will free you to fire up some good old righteous indignation.

You no longer need to punish yourself for being a bad, bad over-eater-person. Put the blame where it belongs. And get that cord off your neck.

At least ... that's what this verse says to me. What do you think?

To Drink, or Not to Drink?

2009-01-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

To Drink, or not to Drink? That is the question now isn't it. I have such an issue with drinking water. I absolutely detest drinking the nasty stuff, and I always have. I will drink it if there is nothing else to drink. People say, "Add a fresh lemon to it...it's so refreshing". Um...without the 1/2 cup of sugar? You have got to be kidding me. I can down a pitcher of lemonade in a heartbeat. Give me a cherry Pepsi (I know...I am SO evil! I am not nursing now, so in the past week I have done some serious damage!) and I can gulp it down in two minutes. Any sort of beverage with sugar in it, I can drink it lickity split. I know the health benefits of drinking water. I took all the health and anatomy classes. I went to massage school for crying out loud where a lot of the courses were on nutrition for the "whole" body healing. I know all that stuff, but I can't get myself to do it. And I know that without the water intake, I will never lose any weight, or be healthy.

When I read Ali's daily water intake struggle I realized that I am not the only one who battles this issue. It seems like such a simple thing...drink water, yet we have to make a conscious effort to do it. So.... What to do? Am I going to commit and drink some water? I am. I am going to commit to one glass a day. Hey...better start slow or I'll never accomplish it. I always tend to go overboard starting anything new. My "old" me would go to Walmart and buy a gallon size water bottle, fill it up first thing in the morning, then by 10:00 am realize that I am never going to finish that bad boy. Ever. Or drink so much in such a short time to accomplish the goal that I am water logged and want to die. Defeat. So...One cup it is. Look out America, Kristi is breakin out the water glass. If I am really living large, I'll drink two. OH yeah.

The Twelve Steps of Recovery

2009-01-04T22:51:00.001-07:00

I've long known that I can't do this alone. My problems with food, with my weight, is way beyond my ability to fix on my own. I need help.

I read an excellent blog the other day in which a woman related to Moses 1:10 where Moses comes to realize he is nothing in the sight of God. Not nothing in that we mean nothing, but nothing as in we can do nothing without His help.

This is where my blog is going to take a religious tone, so please feel free to exit the building if it's not to your liking.

I am a Latter Day Saint. I recently discovered that my church has an addiction recovery program, and that they treat compulsive eating in addition to the more obvious addictions. A friend of mine who is a counselor in the program (and has no idea that I needed this information for myself,) provided me with the program's pamphlet.

I'm going to work on the twelve steps of the program over the next twelve months and will dedicate a post or two to the steps each month. The LDS program is based on the alcoholics anonymous twelve-step program, but is customized to our faith.

The first step is to,

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable.

Step one focuses on honesty. To be honest with myself, with God and with those around me. I have a problem with overeating. I created the problem, but I cannot fix it on my own.

I have told my husband. I have told Heavenly Father. I have asked for help from both of them. I am on my way.

Am I A Compulsive Eater?

2009-01-02T20:14:00.001-07:00

Like Kristi, I checked out Overeaters Anonymous before I started this blog. I was looking for answers - any answers. I didn't want to commit to a whole group-thang, so I passed on that, and I didn't notice the questions that Kristi mentioned about whether or not OA was for you. So I went back there the other day and answered the questions.

All I can say is, WOW.

These are the questions, lifted off of the Overeaters Anonymous website, to find out if you are a compulsive eater:

1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?

Umm ... yes. Is that a problem? In fact, I'm not sure I ever eat when I am actually hungry - at least, not if I can help it.

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

Yes. That's why I'm here. I manage my eating perhaps 80% of the time, but there's that pesky 20% when I can't get enough.

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

Pretty much all the time, because either I'm eating the wrong stuff, too much stuff, or I'm wishing it was something better tasting.

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

I think about food pretty much all of the time. What I will eat next, when, where. All the time.

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

Yes! This is my favorite reason for my hubby to go on business trips, which I otherwise hate. When he's gone, I don't have to feel guilty (or at least, I don't have to be SEEN) when I have my late-night pig-outs.

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

YES! I dream of when he's away, or when the kids are out of the house so I can eat that last chocolate bar, or spoonfuls of peanut butter.

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

Absolutely. I'm the picture of health. Other people have no idea what I eat (or how much) behind their backs.

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

Perhaps not so much yet. Although, my friends want me to go walking with them in the mornings, but I can't keep up with them, so I miss out on that. And I would like to be able to go sledding with my boys and other stuff like that, but I don't dare.

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

Oh yeah. Every single time. I am totally afraid of diets now because they always end in failure.

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?

Yeah, that and when they are full of ideas as to what will work for me, or the "you just need to ..." advice. I've BTDT and NONE of it has worked.

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

I'm getting over that, but otherwise, I would have said yes. Up until maybe two or three months ago, I totally thought that if I really did just TRY harder, I would and could lose weight. Now I'm just totally discouraged and think maybe I never, ever will lose this weight.

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

Yes. Mostly in the mid-afternoon when I wish I could have privacy for half an hour to eat alone - and whatever I want, and in the late evenings.

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

Absolutely. There's this commercial for Paul Blart - Mall Cop where they guy is having a piece of pie and smearing it with peanut butter after he has failed the police officer test for the umpteenth time. He says "Pie, it just fills the cracks of your heart." Yup, I totally get that.

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?

No. But I think mainly because I haven't ever told anyone about my secret eating habits. I'm quite sure I have what's called "binge-eating disorder".

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Yes. Here's my biggest guilty admission: I've eaten treats my boys were looking forward to eating and blamed it on the dog.

So it's clear I have an eating problem. But I'm hoping that coming clean with my behavior, pulling back the curtain, so to speak, will help me heal those cracks in my heart - NOT with pie, but with truth and love for myself.

A New Year. A New Me?

2009-01-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Is it possible? Could it be?

I'm always full of hope at the start of a new year. I feel strong, and hopeful, and courageous. I can do it (anything!)!!

I haven't been posting for the past two weeks because I've been surrounded by family, enjoying the holidays. But I've never once stopped thinking about food or about how I look/feel.

I'm back now, armed with a few new ideas.

During the holidays I practiced standing up straight. Pulling my shoulderblades back and lifting my chest. It's a little hard on the back at first, because that lower back isn't used to supporting my weight, only my poor over-worked shoulders and chest muscles. But I look better when I'm standing up straight and a strange thing happens ... I feel more confident.

I'm a fan of Flylady and get her emails daily. Today I got an email from Leslie, a.k.a. Mrs. Smarty Pants, that confirmed my recent train of thoughts:

Dear Friends,

With the start of 2009 we are full of hope and promise for the New
Year. Whether we set a New Year's resolution or not, we all secretly
wish to do better than in we did in the previous year.

If you want to improve your health, lose weight, manage your life or
finances better than last year, I believe you need to feel better
about yourself FIRST.

To make our goals (or resolutions) attainable, we should feel
confident about ourselves and only set goals that are truly realistic.
This means taking baby steps to improve yourself instead of attempting
gigantic leaps.

I see way too many women vow to lose (a set number of pounds they
think they need to lose) at the start of the New Year. They may or may
not attain this number goal, but usually gain it back again. Don't do
this!

Start feeling better about yourself today! When you dress for your
body type and take care of yourself, your confidence will soar! Just
think of what you can attain when you are more self-assured and
positive? You can improve yourself when your attitude is more optimistic.

Begin by updating your style. Wear styles that are best for your shape
(you'll look slimmer) and follow my 2009 Style Do's and Don'ts.

MissusSmartyPants Top 11 Style Do's for 2009

A Styled hairstyle…you' ll look years younger.
A lighter lip color…it gives you a youthful pout.
A straight-leg pant…so kind to your curves.
A semi-fitted jacket…adds friendly feminine curves.
A good fitting bra…puts the "girls" up where they belong.
Find your most flattering color & wear it…look prettier.
An A-line skirt…works that hourglass shape, ladies!
Pants long enough they touch your shoes…longer is leaner.
Body skimming top…makes the most of your shape.
Dark dressy jeans…sassy and stylin'
Classic good fitting clothes & the right attitude to wear
them…confidence +

MissusSmartyPants Top 11 Style Don'ts for 2009

Don't wear:

Baggy sweats…at home comfy-wear.
A worn-out purse held together by safety pin…c'mon you need a new one!
A 3 piece suit all worn together…so "old lady" and matchy.
Cargo pants…unless job related, a big fashion NO.
Ripped acid-washed Jeans…leave these to lead singers in rock bands.
Promo "give away" crew-neck shirts…there is a reason they are FREE.
Big boxy jackets…you will look hmm…BOXY!
Ankle length dresses, skirts or pants…don't do this to yourself, please.
Overalls…for farmers ONLY!
Rainbow socks…why?
Dark lipstick…dreary, old and UGLY.

All my blessings for a fabulous 2009!

Love,

Leslie aka MSP

I also have some thoughts for the New Year that I hope will help me work through my food issues. Stay tuned though ... I don't want to blow all my good ideas in one day, lol!

By the way, I hardly drank any water at all over the holidays, but I didn't overly pig out, either. At least, no real binges, so that's cool.

Who Has the Power?

2008-12-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

Not me.

I had an epiphany the other day. And it involved physical intimacy, or at least, that was the catalyst.

I often don't enjoy touching so much with my husband because I have far too much time to think about my fat, and I know he can feel it. How can he say I am beautiful, or that he loves me when he's touching me? It feels like a lie because I hate the fat, and how can he touch me and say he loves me, when he has to hate the fat too?

The other day, in a moment of unusual generosity, I let him touch me and tried to put myself in the moment, away from the negative thoughts. For a fleeting moment I had a feeling of POWER. I felt powerful. And I realized that that's the problem I'm having right now with food in my life. There's been a power shift, and I've given over my power to someone else - something else. Food.

But when did I give up my power? How did I lose it? I think I know when it happened. I think I know why it happened. That was all part of my epiphany. But I'll have to tell you more about it another time. That's my carrot to dangle in front of you so you can come back another time.

For today, I did much better on the water. I drank four glasses! Hurray! I even have a graphic for that one:

It's the start of a new week, but I'm going to stick with my six-glass baby step. I did four well, but I struggled with six, so I'm going to continue to work on it. Plus, with Christmas this week, there's no way I can do more than that.

I ate quite a bit of sweets today, but I'm not sweating it too much. No food feelings, that I can identify today. I'm really happy with the water, so I'm going to celebrate that and not worry about anything else right now.

Sharing

2008-12-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I'm sharing this blog with Kristi. She's an awesome, funny, real person who struggles with many of the same things as I do. I thought she might benefit from this journey too, and that maybe she might have something to offer you, that will help you too.

And if there's anyone out there who would like to share your story of how you are struggling with overeating, or binging, feel free to email me your story and I'll post it on our blog.

I thought this blog was just all about me. And let me tell you, make no mistake, it still IS about me, lol. But I realize now, that it's about all of us. I realize now that I'm not alone, that there are many people out there struggling, just like I am. Just like Kristi, and you. Perhaps if we share, together we can overcome.

The Biggest Loser

2008-12-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

I have never actually written on someone elses blog before. I love this. I love watching the Biggest Loser. The first episode I was sitting in my chair with a bag of doritos in my lap. I was watching these obese people get on the scale and I asked myself, "How on earth did they let themselves get that fat?" Huh...go figure as I am literally shoveling chips into my mouth by the hand full. I stopped what I was thinking and had to chuckle at the irony of the situation. I know exactly how they got into the position they are in. By doing exactly what I am doing in my life right now. By "not caring" about myself, or being "self-destructive" and eating and eating to fill some kind of void, and then beating myself up for it later. Who's the Biggest Loser now? I chant to myself.

So, do I get off my bum and exercise as I watch all the episodes of The Biggest Loser? Do I put away the snacks and crack down and take charge of my life? Nope...food controls me. How can that be? I don't know. What I do know is that I am looking forward to the next season of the Biggest Loser starting in January. Maybe I'll have some epiphany and change my life as I watch others change their life. Who am I kidding? We could all lose 100 pounds living on the Biggest Loser Ranch right?

So, You're After Gettin' Fat, Eh?

2008-12-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

That's my Canadian-self showing itself for your snickering enjoyment. Not that you'd snicker at me, I know, but ... still, just in case.

I used to look at very fat people, even chubby people, and scoff. "How can they let themselves get like that?" I'd wonder.

I mean, I could always tell when I was putting on some weight, when I was starting to get a bit chubby. Then I'd work out harder, watch what I ate. I always knew that I loved food and sometimes would get a little 'thicker' but I knew what I needed to do to reign myself in and so I thought I could always control it.

I'd see the others, the one who did not reign it in, who did not control it, and I'd think they had failed somehow.

My mom was one of those. Mind you, she'd always been a chubby girl, but as a woman, she allowed herself to get fat. That's what I thought she'd done, anyway.

But now I find myself trapped inside this body that is not responding to my efforts to reign it in. I literally felt like I was in some sort of fun-mirror house, watching my body spread wider and wider while I bang on the mirrors from the other side. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. I couldn't escape the image in the mirror.

And then I just gave up. I slid down to the floor with my back to the mirror, and wrapped my arms around my knees. That's where I am today.

The girl on the outside is after gettin' fat. (Nova Scotia speak for "Gee, you're getting kind of fat, aren't you?") The girl on the inside has given up.

And that's how those fat women do it. They didn't just allow themselves to gain enormous amounts of weight. Rather, I think now, that something happened to them. Something trapped them inside of themselves, looking out, helpless to stop the gaining, helpless to get out.

So yep, I'm after gettin' fat. No water today, well, maybe two glasses. See? It's a small thing, but so hard for me. No binging per se, but I did eat till I was stuffed to the gills when we went out for dinner tonight. I have got to get myself recommitted to drinking my water. I need to break out of this fun-house. It's a lie, after all. It's not fun, at all. Food Feelings? ENTITLED, UNCONTROLLED.

Uh Oh ... My Good Intentions are Failing ...

2008-12-19T22:54:00.001-07:00

Another bad water day. I don't know about the food. Not too bad, I guess. I think I'm going to check out some books, like the one Jeri recommended, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman.

Jeri wrote in the comment trail:

"It has a "script" in it that you use to "process negative emotions." While I am not 100% sold on everything in the book, I have found the script somewhat helpful. I'd be REALLY interested to see if "scripting" the emotions curbed the need to "eat" them."

My local library has it checked out at the moment, so I put it on hold. I think it's time to get some more input or ideas as to what's going on in my messed up brain.

So, I only got two glasses of water in today. There's no excuse for that - tomorrow I WILL do better.

No real food feelings today - I was busy enough that I didn't really get any time to hang out with food at all, I just ate what and when everyone else was eating.

Whatever

2008-12-18T22:32:00.001-07:00

This has been a whatever day.

It didn't start out that way. It started out fine. But, somewhere along the way, it took a dark turn.

That family trouble I told you about the other day? It got a little yuckier today and I think that was when I turned down the broken road. My dog ate all the cookies I had made to make me feel better.

I should be grateful, right? But instead it made me really, really ANGRY.

I did not drink my water. I think I got three glasses in today.

Food feelings? First, strangley (the family stuff triggered ... ) FEAR, then I felt APATATHETIC, and now I just feel ANGRY.

Hello, Bulimia, come on in ...

2008-12-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wished you had an eating disorder? Like the kind that actually made you get smaller?

I know it sounds wildly crazy to admit out loud, but I have.

When I was a girl I thought about anorexia, but I liked food too much and the thought of shunning it altogether just wasn't going to happen for me. I hadn't heard about bulimia then, and the idea didn't occur to me on my own.

Later, I heard about it, and gave it a try. Yes, that's right, I tried several times to induce vomiting after a big meal. But I could never do it. I mean, I could do it, I just couldn't figure out how to make the vomit come.

I also tried going the stool softener route, but my poor bum couldn't handle it after a while.

All of this was many years ago, but still ... it lingers in my mind. It's still a part of me. It's still a part of my inner dialogue.

In a weird way I think the women/girls who have been able to follow through with their anorexic or bulimic behaviors have amazing willpower and self-control. They just used their powers for evil instead of for good.

*sigh* I guess I need to read some books by women who've been there. Like "A Future For Tomorrow" by Haley Hatch Freeman. Thing is,, I don't want to read about how someone survived their weight issues by doing this thing or that. I don't want a project. I don't want to be told how I can do it too. I just want to know I'm not alone, where I am right now.

Well, on that kind of melodramatic note, I'm here to tell you that I did drink my water today, but it was hard. Six glasses is hard for me. I might have to stick with six for a while before I try to do eight.

But for now, here's my reward for today:

I noticed an interesting food feeling today: ENTITLEMENT. I have no idea why, or where that came from, but that's definitely what I was feeling. Gonna have to explore that one some more and try to figure it out.

The Benefits of Tight Pants

2008-12-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

Because they're so tight, you have to get up and move around fairly often or else you're circulation gets cut off - leading to more exercise.
They act like a girdle, making you look like you're five pounds lighter than you really are - never mind that you think you can't breathe.
And because you feel like you feel like you might throw up from the super-tight waist band, you might not eat quite so much.

So resist those lazy-girl pants - you know the ones. The ones with the stretchy waist band? The comfy ones that let you all hang out? Yeah, don't do it! Resist! Those tight jeans are terribly uncomfortable, I know, but think of them as your life-line ... the last barrier between you and the next size up.

At least, that's what I've been telling myself all day long as I've been squishing around in my getting-too-tight jeans.

I nearly didn't make my water goal today, but I did.

However, I did eat, eat, and eat. Oh, about a half a bag of Doritos in a t.v.-watching stupor, later, a whole tube of Townhouse crackers and then, in an effort to do something healthy-ish, and craving something sweet, I had a cottage cheese bowl with strawberry. Blech.

Not 'blech' the cottage cheese, just ... blech. I'm full, unhappy with myself and, in my too-tight-jeans, uncomfortable. I need my plaid flannel jammies.

My food feelings today? FRUSTRATED, because my day wasn't going the way I needed/wanted it to go; BORED, because we were watching t.v. and, well, bored. Now? SORRY.

Can't ... Stop ... Thinking ... About ... Food ...

2008-12-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Or at least, that's how I usually feel.

On every diet, and during every post-diet binge, (or mid-diet binge, as the case might be) I canNOT stop thinking about food. What I'm eating, what I'm

not eating. Hating it, loving it, didn't matter, I still wanted it to go into my mouth. I jealously watched other people ate too. Make food off-limits, and I'm all over it. My food feeling? OBSESSED.

After a couple weeks of strictly NOT dieting, I'm finally coming to a point where I am enjoying food again. What an amazing relief. I've always loved food, the way it tastes, it's smell, even the way it looks. I love food. I want to eat it. The super nifty thing about the changes I'm experiencing is that I am just beginning to enjoy food again. It's wonderful. Hurray!

And, amazingly, when food is not consuming my every waking thought - when I'm going to eat again, what I'm going to eat again, can I do it, no I can't, ahhh ... must have junk food, hurry, stuff, stuff, stuff, *gasp* - I don't seem to need to eat quite so much.

There are no rules as to what I can eat or when I can eat it. I can just enjoy food again. Ahhhh ... (picture me sinking into a warm, soft bubble bath, that's how this feels - a release of the most sublime kind.)

So, there has, once again, been no binging today. I still didn't eat great, I know, but I'm beginning to think I might actually get there. Just perhaps by my own meandering route. Still, I think if I take my time, I'll want to stay once I get there.

About my baby steps for today. I had planned to up the water ante to six glasses a day, and add exercise three times a week. But I began to feel pressured and scared about the exercise, certain I would fail. So, it's not a goal, after all.

However, I did exercise today! I thought, maybe three or five minutes on the elliptical. But I did ten! Might not sound like much to you, but seriously? I'm sooo out of shape. So I am thrilled with ten. I'm going to put exercise as a possibility for me throughout the week. If I do it, great, if I don't, I won't sweat it. It is not a goal, and because of that, I will not be disappointed in myself if I don't exercise at all for the rest of the week.

The one and only goal I did set for myself this week was to drink six glasses of water today, which I did without any problem.

I thought of another baby step to add to my list too. To not eat after 7:00 p.m. That would be a good one.

Wanna Know What I Ate today? (and let my kids eat?)

2008-12-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

I had toast with margarine and peanut butter and hot chocolate for breakfast.

We all had waffles and syrup with milk for lunch, or rather, linner since it was like four o'clock in the afternoon.

We had cookies and pop for dinner. Yep, you read that right ... cookies and pop.

It was just that kind of day. A day that screamed for comfort food and Mommy. Except, my cupboards were bare and my Mommy has long since left this world so ... I gave myself what counted as comfort food, and took the day off of mommy-hood myself. Although, I think I scored some major mommy-points with my kids, lol.

My food feelings today were TIRED, and, not sure how to say it ... ESCAPIST? Is that even a word? You know what I mean, right? I wanted to take the day off of life, to run away, just for the day.

BUT I did get my four glasses in AND I think I'll start wtih some new goals tomorrow.

A Heavy Burden

2008-12-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

Life gets heavy sometimes. Like a sumo-wrestler suit pressing heavily on your shoulders, willing you to sink to your knees, fall to the floor.

Today was a bit like that for me. The day itself was fine, nice, great. But, tonight? Tonight was heavy.

But this blog is not the place to air my family's stuff. We all have stuff, right? It's how I deal with the stuff that is the reason I'm here.

Tonight I am alone - Skinny Man is out of town again for another week. I have this heavy burden and no one to share it with. Normally, I would eat. Maybe by filling myself up, becoming larger, I would be better able to carry that burden.

Holy Smokes?!!! Is that it? Is that the revelation? The reason behind my largeness? Or my seeming compulsive need to BE large? So I can deal? So I can carry the heavy burdens?

Wow. That's ... heavy.

It occurred to me, while I was having my little epiphany there (and you are my witnesses!) that I could just as easily carry my burdens if I were actually STRONG, and not just LARGE, ya know? In fact, I could better carry those burdens.

Anyway, today was not normal. Despite my better judgement, I have continued to repeat my mantra to myself. It is a gift. I swear it is helping me.

I've been careful to keep my words framed positively in my mind. That's all. Just a bit of internal policing going on. No recriminations for a piece of chocolate here or pizza for dinner.

But you know what? I only ate two small pieces of pizza (and there was some left over!) I normally eat three, or four. Today though, I was satisfied with two. I was blown away. I kept looking at those other pieces and thinking "I should want to eat those! Why don't I want to eat them?" The answer? Because I was totally satisfied with two. My food feeling today? CONTROLLED and SATISFIED.

Sorry, I made this blog to talk about my food fights and binges, but instead, I'm having all sorts of personal epiphanies and happy experiences. Maybe one day I'll have to rename my blog. Heck, I HOPE I get to rename it!

In the meantime, I'm still baby-stepping my way to a positive self-image - to a positive relationship with food.

I did drink all four of my glasses of water today. Hurray!

I'm trying to think of what baby steps I ought to do and in what order they might go.

work up to eight glasses. Probably 6, then 8 - just because I like water bottles and they hold 16 oz. so its' just easier to go in two's.
add in exercise. Probably just a few minutes to start, just a few days a week. Remember, the goal here is to make attainable goals so I can build up my confidence.
get more sleep and/or better sleep.

Notice I didn't say 'eat less food' or 'eat less junk food'. I'm definitely not ready to go there any time soon. I think I might be super brave and cocky and try for two new baby steps on Monday. Six glasses and maybe 5 minutes of the elliptical three times a week.

I'm mulling it over .. I'll let you know what I decide!

Super Late ...

2008-12-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

So this'll be just a quickie.

Day Three of the Four-Glass Challenge and I did it ... AGAIN!!!

But I've just GOT to tell you the good news: My rings and watch were slightly looser today. MUCH more comfortable. It's got to be the water. If that's what four glasses'll do, I wonder what eight glasses will do? Hmm ...

I ate pretty darn good today. Skinny Man and I actually went on a date and I did not eat the whole large popcorn! Hurray for me! Usually he eats this dainty amount, like an inch's worth, while I eat all the way down the crumbs at the bottom. But tonight, I was the one who stopped first.

But then I was so surprised by my behavior that a few minutes later I dipped in again. But I didn't enjoy it as much and only ate a couple more handfuls before throwing in the towel for good. I really didn't want it. Surprise! When we threw out the box, there was more than half of the popcorn still in there. A HUGE accomplishment for me.

My mantra continued to work well for me today. I'd like to post more about that, but for tonight, I'll just repeat it one more time:

I am Beautiful, Healthy, and Happy.

Switching Things Up ` Day Two of the Four-Glass Challenge

2008-12-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ta Da! I did it again! Hurray!

I've eaten like a pregnant woman carrying septuplets, but hey, at least I drank my four glasses of water :) And I'm not even knocking the fact that I'm only drinking four glasses instead of the recommended eight. It's more than i was drinking and that, my friends, is success.

Last night I had a thought: I should check out a book I read earlier in the year "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmsetter. A girl I met at karate suggested this book. She said it had changed her life. It was like magic. A miracle.

I read the book with an open mind. I could definitely see how it could help and bless your life. But I just didn't feel like putting in the effort to make it work. Plus, no one has tape cassettes anymore and all that jazz.

But last night it occurred to me that I had a digital voice recorder. It's tiny and is easily portable. Heck, my phone has a voice recorder in it. If I need some positive affirmations, I can put them on it. I can listen to them (the affirmations) whenever and wherever I want.

I'm gonna give it a try. What's wrong with me is manifesting itself as a physical problem, but it's an internal one, really. I think if I can change my inner dialogue, I'll definitely be further ahead in the game.

When I woke up this morning I actually felt HAPPY. And the mantra that was going through my head, for the first time in a long, long time ... maybe even ever ... was "I'm Beautiful, Healthy and Happy."

I've felt pretty darn good all day. Despite the extra helpings of Christmas goodies.

Day Six ~ I made a goal and I met it!

2008-12-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm breaking it down to the basics. Drink my water.

My goal for today ... just four glasses. Not the entire amount I'm supposed to get, but hey, it's a start. And remember, on the past days I've jounralled here, I've barely drunk one, let alone four. So for one week, I am challenging myself to drink four glasses of water a day. And guess what? I made my goal! Hurray!

As for eating, I've been a bit of a garbage can today. Cleaning up the kitchen, I find a chocolate here, a cookie there, and instead of putting them away, I eat them.

I remember back when I was first married and struggling with a little post-wedding-day weight gain. My Aunt Jean, an incredible wise woman who counselled men and women with eating disorders, what I could do. She suggested gauging my hunger on a scale of 1-10. One was starving, while ten was so full you would burst. I don't remember the details right now.

What I do remember is how she said that anything else we eat, past that happy, satisfied feeling (around a 7 on her scale) was just garbage. And she looked at me and said "Do you want it to be garbage in the can, or garbage in your body? Are YOU a garbage can?" I was shocked, and of course I said "No way!"

I'm sad to say that today, I am a garbage can. My feeling as I'm hoovering up the kitchen and throwing stuff away into my stomach? DISGUST and WORTHLESSNESS.

But I did drink my four glasses of water, darn it!

Day Five and Can God Help Me?

2008-12-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

You might be thinking my only intent is to write about my eating habits, but not to make any changes or to try to fix my problem. That's not it at all. I'm just here because I needed to take stock of where I was, why I continued to gain weight instead of losing, and why each diet or weight-loss effort I made set me back further in my efforts.

I've tried Weight Watchers in person (you know, where you go to the weekly meetings and keep a little notebook). I followed the rules and stayed within my points carefully for about seven weeks but didn't lose a single pound. My ounces fluctuated, but I didn't actually lose any pounds.

At that time I went to see a doctor to find out why I couldn't lose weight. Turned out they said I was pre-diabetic and because my body wasn't using insulin properly, my body was retaining fat. They put me on the South Beach diet.

I followed that religiously for four months. I lost five pounds. I liked how I felt, but the diet was hard and the holidays came. I became frustrated trying to follow the diet during that time and became resentful of the meager weight loss. I gave in and binged like a maniac. And that's pretty much where I stayed for another eight months ... no diet, no real care taken for my health.

Then I had my check up with my Gyn. I had a total hysterectomy of June of 2007. Yes, it's been since then since I've really not been able to control my weight. But I'm not sure if it's had anything to do with my huge weight gain or state of mind or what. Anyway, my Gyn. said I really ought to go back on Weight Watchers because it has the best long-term success rate.

I immediately enrolled again, though this time I went online, and have been keeping track of my points and 'trying' again. Except each week since I started (four months or so now) I would do great for about four days or so, then I would go over my points, or nearly, and then I would feel like I just couldn't stay within my points, so I would throw in the towel. I became resentful and would binge every weekend. And that's been my nasty cycle pretty much every week.

So that brought me to where I am now. I was trying to get my water in, my veggies, my dairy, and stay within my points, AND exercise. That's a lot to ask of a girl who wasn't doing anything right before.

And that's when I prayed for help. I am a very religious person and love Heavenly Father, but for some reason I hadn't turned to Him for help. But I have a friend who had struggled for weight for a long time who finally lost his weight when he asked Heavenly Father for help.

I felt that i needed to break my weight loss efforts down. First, buy a fun small plate to help me reduce my portion sizes. I've been doing that, but I'm not sure how much it's helping me. Then, concentrate in drinking enough water. I've been totally stinking at the water thing. Move a little more. Ahh, nope.

Will He help me if I don't help myself? I don't think so. I don't think He can. Or should, really. These are the things I felt prompted to do, and I haven't done a good job at them. It's been two months or so since I felt I should do these things.

I think I've been crying in my soup for the past week and unfortunately, you've been my victims. But I really ought to try harder. Just ... TRY.

So for today? I did well for most of it, until two things happened: 1) I found myself alone (everyone was out) and 2) I got some very disturbing and stressful news.

My cravings for sweets skyrocketed from there and I ate about five cookies. Just pacing the floor, stressing out, stuffing cookies in my face. Argh.

And again, maybe not even a glass of water today. It's not like I'm downing tons of pop, either. I usually have one caffeine-free diet Coke at the end of each day, but otherwise I don't drink pop (unless we go out to eat which we don't do every day.) With other meals I have water or sometimes milk. I don't drink anything in between unless it's water. Guess I just haven't been drinking anything really at all. No wonder I've been having a lot of headaches lately.

So, I'm really going to TRY. Just drink my darn water tomorrow. Come on, it can't be that hard, can it? Really?

Day Four

2008-12-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

Other than having a Big Mac combo for dinner today for lunch today, this has been a good day and I have been a good day.

Sorry, I started this blog and ya'll probably expected some serious binging behavior to relate to, and here I'm having good days. But this is how it goes for me ... good followed by bad.

But here's the thing, I've gained almost thirty pounds during this past year alone. I'm only 5'2 and should weight between 100-135 lbs or something like that. Personally, I like myself at 130. But right now, I weight about as much as I did when I was pregnant with my twins.

Oh, and before you go thinking I am justified to weigh that much after having twins, I was back to 130 and wearing my size 6 jeans just ten months after the boys were born. Go figure. I think it was the nursing that helped me there though ;)

So, good day for me. Hurray! I still only drank about one glass of water today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot for TWO. Woo! Go Marge!

Day Three

2008-12-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

Today was mostly a good day ... Again, family around me, doing family stuff, and not any time really to sneak off and eat. I felt full most of the day anyway. Except, there were cookies - lots of cookies.

I didn't think I would have anything at all to post today until it became late. I hit my 'have-to-go-to-bed-now' spot right around 10:00, but I still had a lot to do.

An hour and a half later I am finally ready to head uip to bed, but have eatern four more cookies just while I was cleaning up the kitchen. I eat them behind my husband's back, so he can't see me. I don't offer him one, because then I'll have to admit I'm eating one (or two, or three or four). It's not that I don't want to share (thought sometimes that IS it) - just this time, I didn't want to be seen.

So now, again, I'm going to bed feeling full and really fat. I guess the food feeling tonight was TIRED.

Day Two

2008-12-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day, with no bad eating.

Partly, it's becasue I haven't been alone all day, so there hasn't been a chance to sneak food or to crave it, really. I've felt loved and happy with my family. All is well.

Although we went to Red Robin for dinner and I ate everything on my plate (huge hamburger, huge steak fries). Pretty much no water at all. Oh well, I'm happy at least that I had a day that I can't feel too ashamed of.

11:40 p.m.

Scratch that. I did the late-night-eating-thing and it wasn't veggies and dip, if you know what I mean. It wasn't too bad, as in, it wasn't a full-on binge. But still, I'm going to bed with my tummy full and a disappointed feeling.

I was a little hungry (we had dinner early) which started the eating, but when I didn't stop at full, my feelings were probably PLEASURE. I liked what I was eating (wheat thins and cream cheese) and didn't want a handful of them to be all I got. I wanted lots.

The First Day ...

2008-12-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

3:30 p.m.

I usually start the day out alright. I love Fiber One's Honey Bunches of Oats so I always have that for breakfast and I like it. So I'm going along feeling fine, not hungry, not snacking (not drinking water either, but that's a whole 'nother issue).

Until the boys ask for lunch.

"Lunch?" I asked, surprised. I mean, I'm not hungry, are they really hungry? What time is it anyway? Is it really lunch time? Wow.

Ok, so I head to the kitchen to scrounge up something for lunch. In the fridge is left over pizza from earlier this week. The boys don't want it for lunch. But I'm feeling lazy and bored with my food choices so I pull it out of the fridge and start munching on it while I look for something to feed the guys.

There were three pizzas in the fridge, but by the time I've finished making the boys roast beef sandwiches, I've eaten all three. Didn't I say I wasn't hungry? Huh.

I ate the pizza cold and without a drop of water or milk or anything to drink. I'm sure that can't be good. I don't care. Now I feel yucky and like I didn't really enjoy my lunch and like I need something else to make my lunch better.

So I have a piece of chocolate. Then another. And another.

I did manage to get in two glasses of water between 8:00 this morning and 3:30 this afternoon. But I'm aiming for EIGHT. Argh.

My feelings when I started eating were LAZY and BORED.

9:00 p.m.

Again, at dinner time, I was not hungry, but I ate. I ate a big meal, everything on my plate. Two feelings: RESIGNED and ANGRY.

Resigned because of course I'm going to eat it all. Of course it's too much. Of course my stomach will hurt from being filled too much. Of course.

Angry because of all of the above. I think there's something else there, but I'm not sure what. Angry at myself for not taking more control of myself? I'm not sure. Probably that.

And here's another thing ... when I've eaten a meal, I feel like I want, that I NEED to keep eating. It doesn't matter how much I've eaten or whether I'm full or empty. What matters, is that I eat. Eat, eat, and eat. So I had some more chocolate. I'm only talkin' the mini bars here, but still, I had three of them.

Another feeling: SHAME. I don't want people to see me eat, especially the treats. I stand behind the pantry door to eat them. Tonight the boys and I were watching a movie and I had a bag of chocolates (given by a neighbor as a Christmas gift) that I brought down to share with them. But I was glad they had their faces turned toward the TV and didn't see that I ate twice as many chcolates as them.

They can leave their food if they are full. They can stop at one chocolate if they're sweet tooth has been satisfied. Will I ever have that kind of control over my eating? I hope so.

Why I'm Here

2008-12-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

This blog is not for you. It's for me. Except, I don't really like writing for me, it helps when I think someone is reading what I'm writing ... and that's why I'm here.

I have an eating problem. I don't know what kind of problem it is, but it's a problem nonetheless. I think, from the reading I've done, that it's binge eating. I have all sorts of feelings about what I'm doing, but I'm not sure if I'm 'eating my feelings' or not.

I've tried dieting and like a lot of people, my issues with food are just getting worse and I've gained a ton of weight. I know, logically, that I'm not alone, but I sure feel alone.

I decided, after researching what was going on with me, that I needed to write what I felt when I was eating. So I tried to keep a journal, but I hate writing by hand (can't write as fast as I think) and it really helps to write in a public forum.

At least for the moment I'm not linking this blog to my other blogs. I'm not sure I'm ready for people who know me to know the real me, ya know? For now, you can call me Marge, because my Mom was Marg and people sometimes called her Large Marge when she was a girl. Because I can relate, I'll be Large Marge too.